Showing posts with label single mothers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single mothers. Show all posts
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Mothering
"In the end, I didn't need to be the mother of all mothers. All I had to be was what I am, what most people are, a person who learns." - Hilda Raz
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Gratitude
There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. I think I feel a heavy weight on me from dealing with the constant texting and calls from my ex. It is very exhausting. I don't think he hears what he writes or says. I don't think he hears me when I do bother to respond, so I rarely do. Yesterday was a better day between us, but I feel still we need some distance.
He seems to think that because he is paying alimony and child support, he is entitled to know every detail of my life and to harp on the past. He constantly questions me about things that are none of his business, and then accuses me of lying.
He texted me yesterday about how if I am such a strong, independent, feminist woman then I should be happy to take care of everything myself.
I told him, being a feminist, especially in Islam, is about knowing your worth as a woman and a mother. It is knowing your rights and believing that you are entitled to them. There is no holier profession in Islam than being a mother. And mothers are expected to be taken care of, so that they can meet the needs of their children.
I regret that I am still dependent on him. That was my mistake. I believed someone who I had no right to believe. I chose my kids instead of my own independence. That's a hard thing to swallow, but I am still glad I chose my kids. I can't imagine what would happen to them if I had not been here for them during this time. You build a solid foundation for your children when they are young. If you don't, there is no way to rebuild it later.
I believe women can work and take care of children well if they have a good partner. This still would not be my first choice, but I know many women who do it well. When there is no partner, working to support a family and meeting all their physical, emotional and spiritual needs is nearly impossible. I think we often blame the woman or the mother in this instance. But there is no blame - for them - here. At least as far as I'm concerned. We need better fathers. We need men to be partners in the household and family.
My ex has been nagging me about my lack of income and his support of me. He does not think I am grateful enough to him.
To me, that is like carelessly killing a young child and being required to pay the parents for their loss - and then expecting them to be grateful to you.
What is there to be grateful for? Can anything make up for the loss of a child? Can someone's destructiveness with the lives of others ever be atoned for? Certainly not financially.
When you ruin something, you repair it, at your own cost, whatever that may be. You don't ask for gratitude. You beg for forgiveness.
How dare he even ask for gratitude.
He seems to think that because he is paying alimony and child support, he is entitled to know every detail of my life and to harp on the past. He constantly questions me about things that are none of his business, and then accuses me of lying.
He texted me yesterday about how if I am such a strong, independent, feminist woman then I should be happy to take care of everything myself.
I told him, being a feminist, especially in Islam, is about knowing your worth as a woman and a mother. It is knowing your rights and believing that you are entitled to them. There is no holier profession in Islam than being a mother. And mothers are expected to be taken care of, so that they can meet the needs of their children.
I regret that I am still dependent on him. That was my mistake. I believed someone who I had no right to believe. I chose my kids instead of my own independence. That's a hard thing to swallow, but I am still glad I chose my kids. I can't imagine what would happen to them if I had not been here for them during this time. You build a solid foundation for your children when they are young. If you don't, there is no way to rebuild it later.
I believe women can work and take care of children well if they have a good partner. This still would not be my first choice, but I know many women who do it well. When there is no partner, working to support a family and meeting all their physical, emotional and spiritual needs is nearly impossible. I think we often blame the woman or the mother in this instance. But there is no blame - for them - here. At least as far as I'm concerned. We need better fathers. We need men to be partners in the household and family.
My ex has been nagging me about my lack of income and his support of me. He does not think I am grateful enough to him.
To me, that is like carelessly killing a young child and being required to pay the parents for their loss - and then expecting them to be grateful to you.
What is there to be grateful for? Can anything make up for the loss of a child? Can someone's destructiveness with the lives of others ever be atoned for? Certainly not financially.
When you ruin something, you repair it, at your own cost, whatever that may be. You don't ask for gratitude. You beg for forgiveness.
How dare he even ask for gratitude.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Blessing for All Mothers
We said this prayer together at church this morning and I thought it was beautiful and inclusive.
Today we bless mothers who sat up all night with sick toddlers saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here.
Today we bless mothers who gave birth to babies they may never see. And the mothers who took those babies forever to be their own children.
Today we bless mothers who attended ball games, recitals, rehearsals, etc. etc. and said, "I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and meant it.
Today we bless mothers who show up for work with milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.
Today we bless mothers who put pinwheels, teddy bears, or flowers on children's graves.
Today we bless mothers whose children have gone astray, who haven't the words to reach them, and yet have never put them from their heart.
Today we bless new mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And today we bless mature mothers who are learning to let go.
Today we bless all mothers: working mothers, stay-at-home mothers, single mothers, and married mothers. We also bless all women in life giving and nurturing roles. We thank you. We honor you. We bless you. Amen.
- adapted from a prayer of Dan Bottorff
Today we bless mothers who sat up all night with sick toddlers saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here.
Today we bless mothers who gave birth to babies they may never see. And the mothers who took those babies forever to be their own children.
Today we bless mothers who attended ball games, recitals, rehearsals, etc. etc. and said, "I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and meant it.
Today we bless mothers who show up for work with milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.
Today we bless mothers who put pinwheels, teddy bears, or flowers on children's graves.
Today we bless mothers whose children have gone astray, who haven't the words to reach them, and yet have never put them from their heart.
Today we bless new mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And today we bless mature mothers who are learning to let go.
Today we bless all mothers: working mothers, stay-at-home mothers, single mothers, and married mothers. We also bless all women in life giving and nurturing roles. We thank you. We honor you. We bless you. Amen.
- adapted from a prayer of Dan Bottorff
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Sexuality for the Single Mom
This is a taboo subject unfortately. It's as if once we leave our marriages we are suddently supposed to have no desire left, except to care for our children. The same stigma is not put on a man who has a girlfriend but it is for mothers.
I made some decisions about how I would pursue my sexuality after my husband moved out. I had left a basically sex-less marriage, and I was certain I did not want to waste my sexual prime.
I had toys, lots of them. But that's not the same thing as having a real person. Not even close.
So, I made a commitment to myself that if I had an opportunity, and it was right, I would take it.
By right I mean that I knew the man and his sexual history, we used condoms and my children were in no way involved.
Of course, that often meant sex in bathrooms and cars - and at odd hours of the day...
But I did not want to have a "boyfriend". Coming out of a long relationship that felt stiffling, I did not want anyone else to have any say over me anymore.
I have always had a lot of male friends and I work primarily with men. I had several fun encounters, but not as many as I would have liked over the course of 2 years.
I felt I was being responsible. Afterall, I was putting my children first and I was cautious.
However, I made the mistake of telling one particular friend who took it upon herself to become God after an argument we had. She used the term whore and said I had slept with half our city. I told her I wish.
I thought it would end there, but she also took it upon herself to tell one of my lovers, an old high school sweetheart who I cared deeply for. He did not take the news well, despite our agreement that I would do as I pleased and keep it to myself. He lives in another city and only comes to town once or twice a year.
Then she called my husband, who I was in the process of divorcing.
Mind you, my husband is an alcoholic who brought cocaine into our home and cheated on me numerous times during our marriage. But he is still the father of my children, and this was information he didn't need to have.
To his credit, he didn't use it against me. He said it hurt his feelings and asked a few questions. To which I responded, look, you have your private life and I have mine. It's best to keep some of this stuff to ourselves.
He agreed.
So how do you maintain a fulfilling sexual life as a single mom?
First, I'd advise you to keep it largely to yourself.
I made some decisions about how I would pursue my sexuality after my husband moved out. I had left a basically sex-less marriage, and I was certain I did not want to waste my sexual prime.
I had toys, lots of them. But that's not the same thing as having a real person. Not even close.
So, I made a commitment to myself that if I had an opportunity, and it was right, I would take it.
By right I mean that I knew the man and his sexual history, we used condoms and my children were in no way involved.
Of course, that often meant sex in bathrooms and cars - and at odd hours of the day...
But I did not want to have a "boyfriend". Coming out of a long relationship that felt stiffling, I did not want anyone else to have any say over me anymore.
I have always had a lot of male friends and I work primarily with men. I had several fun encounters, but not as many as I would have liked over the course of 2 years.
I felt I was being responsible. Afterall, I was putting my children first and I was cautious.
However, I made the mistake of telling one particular friend who took it upon herself to become God after an argument we had. She used the term whore and said I had slept with half our city. I told her I wish.
I thought it would end there, but she also took it upon herself to tell one of my lovers, an old high school sweetheart who I cared deeply for. He did not take the news well, despite our agreement that I would do as I pleased and keep it to myself. He lives in another city and only comes to town once or twice a year.
Then she called my husband, who I was in the process of divorcing.
Mind you, my husband is an alcoholic who brought cocaine into our home and cheated on me numerous times during our marriage. But he is still the father of my children, and this was information he didn't need to have.
To his credit, he didn't use it against me. He said it hurt his feelings and asked a few questions. To which I responded, look, you have your private life and I have mine. It's best to keep some of this stuff to ourselves.
He agreed.
So how do you maintain a fulfilling sexual life as a single mom?
First, I'd advise you to keep it largely to yourself.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Trying to Make Things Work
I am irritated this morning that my husband continues to ask me about trying to make things work. He does not seem to understand that he has done too much damage. He wants to continue to play the victim, when he has been the one to victimize me and the kids - continually.
He asked me again this morning after I did not respond to his message last night. I told him he had managed to strip any desire I had left to want to stay in the marriage. Let's just focus on the kids and try to get along.
For a long time, I have held on to this idea of being married and raising our kids together. But as my counselor always told me, I was holding onto a dream of how I wanted things to actually be and not the reality of how things are with my husband.
Our society puts so much emphasis on being a part of a relationship - especially when you have children. I think I have really bought into that. Single mothers are second class citizens in so many ways.
Mothers and wives also seem to be weary of a single attractive woman. As many of my male friends keep telling me, you just need to put on about 20 pounds, and then all the wives will feel comfortable around you. I am really not interested in being with anyone's husband. I am not really interested in being with any man.
I think it is sad that fear makes us do so many things. Tony Robbins says people will do more to avoid pain than to obtain pleasure.
I'd rather be a whole person than a half of a dysfunctional relationship.
Friday, October 2, 2009
The Things We Miss
I have not had much time to write. Frankly I have been exhausted and overwhelmed with being a single working mom. I don't think it is a one-person job, especially when you are working hard and worrying about paying the bills.
I have been subsisting (again) on up to 10 Excederines a day to keep going during the day. My headaches have come back in full-force and I am back on my daily migraine meds. I don't have the money or the time for all the treatments I used to get to keep my headaches and other stuff at bay, and stress accelerates all of that.
On Friday night, I could not sleep. My kids sleep with me. We decided to start sleeping in my bed because it is bigger and we were running out of space in my daughters bed. The kids always fight over who gets to sleep next to me, so oftentimes I rotate. I started off next to my son, but then I decided I was on the "wrong" side, ie, not my usual side, so I decided to move and get more comfortable.
I moved over, but then my daughter had hogged that side. I had already moved around so much that I didn't want to wake her. So I decided I would sort of roll off. Instead, I landed really hard on my wooden bedframe, that extends about 3-4 inches past my mattress, and then onto the floor.
I screamed, and then I started laughing at myself. Neither kid woke up, but then I stayed up most of the night. It hurt like hell. I have a horrible deep-purple bruise that takes up most of the left side of my ass.
I didn't want to get pain killers, so I just waited for my chiropracter to open on Monday. I have been going and getting treatments there this week. My whole body is out of wack.
I think I knocked something out of myself because I have continued to laugh my ass off all week. I am still in a lot of pain, but everything just seems hysterically funny to me this week. I guess I have decided that my situation is what it is, so I may as well have fun and laugh.
That being said, I still think it is bull shit.
My daughter had her ears peirced a few months ago. She took one out just to be weird, and has been walking around with only one earring for a while. She finally decided she wanted to get the other ear peirced, so we rushed her over to the mall. Then we discovered her ear was infected. I don't know how I missed that. Well, actually I do. I'm too busy working, running kids around, keeping a house up, cooking, and doing everything else.
Then, the other night, I took my daughter out of the bath and noticed that her ear had completely puffed up with puss in the back. Not only had I missed it once, I had missed it twice. That never would have happened before. The front looked fine, but the back was horrible.
It was the end of a long, exhausting day, and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. But I called the doctor, and they wanted me to bring her right in. So I put hats on the kids wet hair, and we all drove into the doctors office in our pajamas. (To my husband's credit, he met us there.)
It is those little things that really matter and little mistakes can end up being big mistakes.
My husband just keeps saying that he wants to be together again, but I don't want to be treated the way he has treated me. I don't want to go through all the same stuff again. I don't want to be in this situation that I am in right now either, but that's all I've got.
My mom has always told me, "This too shall pass." And that give me a lot of comfort. I just hope that nothing too bad happens in the mean time.
I have been subsisting (again) on up to 10 Excederines a day to keep going during the day. My headaches have come back in full-force and I am back on my daily migraine meds. I don't have the money or the time for all the treatments I used to get to keep my headaches and other stuff at bay, and stress accelerates all of that.
On Friday night, I could not sleep. My kids sleep with me. We decided to start sleeping in my bed because it is bigger and we were running out of space in my daughters bed. The kids always fight over who gets to sleep next to me, so oftentimes I rotate. I started off next to my son, but then I decided I was on the "wrong" side, ie, not my usual side, so I decided to move and get more comfortable.
I moved over, but then my daughter had hogged that side. I had already moved around so much that I didn't want to wake her. So I decided I would sort of roll off. Instead, I landed really hard on my wooden bedframe, that extends about 3-4 inches past my mattress, and then onto the floor.
I screamed, and then I started laughing at myself. Neither kid woke up, but then I stayed up most of the night. It hurt like hell. I have a horrible deep-purple bruise that takes up most of the left side of my ass.
I didn't want to get pain killers, so I just waited for my chiropracter to open on Monday. I have been going and getting treatments there this week. My whole body is out of wack.
I think I knocked something out of myself because I have continued to laugh my ass off all week. I am still in a lot of pain, but everything just seems hysterically funny to me this week. I guess I have decided that my situation is what it is, so I may as well have fun and laugh.
That being said, I still think it is bull shit.
My daughter had her ears peirced a few months ago. She took one out just to be weird, and has been walking around with only one earring for a while. She finally decided she wanted to get the other ear peirced, so we rushed her over to the mall. Then we discovered her ear was infected. I don't know how I missed that. Well, actually I do. I'm too busy working, running kids around, keeping a house up, cooking, and doing everything else.
Then, the other night, I took my daughter out of the bath and noticed that her ear had completely puffed up with puss in the back. Not only had I missed it once, I had missed it twice. That never would have happened before. The front looked fine, but the back was horrible.
It was the end of a long, exhausting day, and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. But I called the doctor, and they wanted me to bring her right in. So I put hats on the kids wet hair, and we all drove into the doctors office in our pajamas. (To my husband's credit, he met us there.)
It is those little things that really matter and little mistakes can end up being big mistakes.
My husband just keeps saying that he wants to be together again, but I don't want to be treated the way he has treated me. I don't want to go through all the same stuff again. I don't want to be in this situation that I am in right now either, but that's all I've got.
My mom has always told me, "This too shall pass." And that give me a lot of comfort. I just hope that nothing too bad happens in the mean time.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Resentful
I am really in a rotten mood this morning.
I have not heard back from my husband since I snapped at him. Probably good in many ways, but then I find myself wondering if I pushed him off the edge and he started drinking last night.
I wonder when this blame game will ever be over. Him blaming me, me blaming him, me blaming everyone who doesn't do things the way I want them to.
I feel very exhausted by the job of being a single mom right now. It's never ending. My mom and sisters are helping a lot but I think I'm also just emotionally tired.
I missed my Al-Anon meeting yesterday because I was taking care of a clients loan file. And I found myself resenting them this morning. Then I realized how stupid that was. They never asked me to miss my meeting. They don't even know I go to meetings. They are lovely people. I am just always trying to fix things for everybody else and then I get mad when there is no time left for me.
I missed my women's weekend to go to a funeral. And in retrospect I think I really needed that weekend alone out in the middle-of-nowhere. I have such a firm sense of right and wrong but lately it seems when I do all the "right" things, I only find myself alone and tired. (And resentful.)
I have not heard back from my husband since I snapped at him. Probably good in many ways, but then I find myself wondering if I pushed him off the edge and he started drinking last night.
I wonder when this blame game will ever be over. Him blaming me, me blaming him, me blaming everyone who doesn't do things the way I want them to.
I feel very exhausted by the job of being a single mom right now. It's never ending. My mom and sisters are helping a lot but I think I'm also just emotionally tired.
I missed my Al-Anon meeting yesterday because I was taking care of a clients loan file. And I found myself resenting them this morning. Then I realized how stupid that was. They never asked me to miss my meeting. They don't even know I go to meetings. They are lovely people. I am just always trying to fix things for everybody else and then I get mad when there is no time left for me.
I missed my women's weekend to go to a funeral. And in retrospect I think I really needed that weekend alone out in the middle-of-nowhere. I have such a firm sense of right and wrong but lately it seems when I do all the "right" things, I only find myself alone and tired. (And resentful.)
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Magazine
The magazine got back to me and said that they had narrowed down their decision and had a few questions for me. One was about how much time I could devote to them. They are a start-up and it sounds like it would be a pretty big commitment.
I spoke to a few trusted friends earlier in the day, as well as my husband. He's actually a very good businessman and was very helpful (as were my friends).
I sent them an email back saying it was more than I could commit to time-wise right now. I'm a little sad because I really believe in what they're doing.
But, it all comes back to my kids...they are going through a lot right now and I need to give them my all. I know myself. If I took on a project like that, I would be consumed by it. It would be a great distraction right now. But I need to keep my priorities straight. When the time is right, something will come along.
I spoke to a few trusted friends earlier in the day, as well as my husband. He's actually a very good businessman and was very helpful (as were my friends).
I sent them an email back saying it was more than I could commit to time-wise right now. I'm a little sad because I really believe in what they're doing.
But, it all comes back to my kids...they are going through a lot right now and I need to give them my all. I know myself. If I took on a project like that, I would be consumed by it. It would be a great distraction right now. But I need to keep my priorities straight. When the time is right, something will come along.
Group Interview
I honestly can't tell if the interview went well yesterday or not. I do think I probably looked OK because when I went to Kinkos to get my copies, the guy started flirting with me and gave me all my copies for free.
I haven't had anyone flirt with me for so long that when he said they're on me, I made a total idiot of myself and was like, What? What did you say?
I don't think he really wanted to advertise that he was giving away free copies, but he repeated, it's OK, they're on me. He gave me a huge smile, I blushed, said thank you and sort of stumbled away.
So I left a little flustered, but glad that someone had noticed me and been kind.
I couldn't sleep the night before and had been up at 3am so I felt out of sorts all day. I actually got lost going back to my moms condo to pick up my kids. When my first husband and I split up, I found myself constantly getting tickets, getting completely lost, running over nails, just random things. I haven't had a ticket once since then, but I remember at that time, it was so bad that they threatened to take away my license. Of course, being 23 doesn't help either...
In any case, I have not had an interview in 5 years, since I started at the current mortgage company I'm at. And a lot has changed in 5 years. For one thing, this was a group interview, and I was in with 2 other women and 2 interviewers. It often takes me a while to get to know people and feel comfortable around them. And I'm not a competitive person, so I'm not sure this was the best setting for me. Halfway through I looked up at the clock and wished to GOD it would end soon!
Either way, it was good practice for me to get an interview in and I really like the magazine and what they are trying to do. They have a great slogan - Happily Ever Now - and its all about promoting that its OK to be a single parent and you don't have to wait for your prince (or princess) to come to be happy.
Ah well, back to what's important...my son just walked in with total bed-head and threw his arms around me. I asked him, how come I love you so much? He started backing away, gave me a huge smile and answered, because of my butt!, giggling hysterically down the hall...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
New Job?
Well, the answer to my question about leaving careers has been answered.
Last week, I had to give up half my commission to keep a loan going (their lock had expired). My clients didn’t even say thank you. I have been working on their loan since January.
Yesterday, a loan I have been working on for several months was declined at the very last minute. No good answer as to why. The market has just changed and they are really sticking on things that wouldn’t have mattered 6 months ago.
Today, another loan got declined after months of work. I have done 3 other loans for these people. Perfect credit, perfect income, perfect assets, they have equity….everything. The underwriter didn’t like the property.
Seems like I am just spinning my wheels. Since I am on commission income, if the loan doesn’t fund, I don’t get paid anything.
I have a job interview tomorrow. That is one good thing about my husband. He has been supportive there. When I told him about the job, he said I’d be great at it.
It’s at a magazine. I didn’t want to tell him what it was because it is a magazine for single parents. LOL, he guessed it though and we both started laughing hysterically.
He said something like, well, I guess that will be perfect for you now! And we both just kept laughing our heads off!
Last week, I had to give up half my commission to keep a loan going (their lock had expired). My clients didn’t even say thank you. I have been working on their loan since January.
Yesterday, a loan I have been working on for several months was declined at the very last minute. No good answer as to why. The market has just changed and they are really sticking on things that wouldn’t have mattered 6 months ago.
Today, another loan got declined after months of work. I have done 3 other loans for these people. Perfect credit, perfect income, perfect assets, they have equity….everything. The underwriter didn’t like the property.
Seems like I am just spinning my wheels. Since I am on commission income, if the loan doesn’t fund, I don’t get paid anything.
I have a job interview tomorrow. That is one good thing about my husband. He has been supportive there. When I told him about the job, he said I’d be great at it.
It’s at a magazine. I didn’t want to tell him what it was because it is a magazine for single parents. LOL, he guessed it though and we both started laughing hysterically.
He said something like, well, I guess that will be perfect for you now! And we both just kept laughing our heads off!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Inhumane
Inhumane.
That is what I told my friend being a single mother is when my husband left our house and that is how it still feels to me.
Dr Suess says alone is something you'll be quite a lot - and that is something I feel all the time now. I am alone. I am exhausted. I am fuming inside all the time and occasionally this spills over onto these two small children that I absolutely adore.
Unfair. That is how it feels. My two-year-old runs around saying "I am angry. I am sad. I am not OK". My five-year-old kicks her in the gut hard. He says it is because he is angry his dad is gone.
Sometimes I feel we live like animals. Mostly I feel he is an animal for leaving us this way. For his fucking booze and the cocaine he still won't admit to after all this time.
Addicts are animals. My father-in-law who told me I was stupid the last time I talked to him. When I had called him sobbing after I found the cocaine and later wrote him a poem about him making me feel like a nobody. He said he didn't understand "this commentary". It was a poem you animal, you nobody, you stupid, terrible man.
Inhumane.
No one offering to help me with these children other than my mother. The exhaustion that creeps in every day. The chores that don't stop. The bills that don't stop. My to-do-list that only seems to grow.
Inhumane
My friends' girlfriend tells me 'sometimes I just say yes because they just keep asking and asking and asking and I am just too tired to say anything else and I just cannot take it anymore.'. Her kids are 10 and 7 and I think - this is what I have to look forward to. Life just getting more and more out of control and making sacrifices with future boyfriends because I have children while he is out doing whatever he wants - like it has always been. Because we are the mothers. That is what we are supposed to do.
I see a mother at the doctor’s office speaking to her children in that mother voice that isn't real and I think at least, I hope, I am always real with my children. At least I have not come to that. But then I think, isn't it sad that I even have to ask now? I am not sure of anything anymore.
Inhumane.
The looks I get from people when I am with my children when I don't wear my six-carats of wedding ring. Yes, it changes things. Substantially.
Inhumane.
I am now wearing a size Zero. I have become a Zero. This wasn't supposed to happen to me - I look like Catherine Zeta-Jones for God's sake - at least that's what everyone is always telling me - or did before I started disappearing. I don't know who I am anymore or where I am going or especially how the fuck I got here. I have an MBA. I was making a good salary. This wasn't the plan. This wasn't the life I thought I would have. But here I am. A single mother. And it just feels inhumane and wrong.
The sad thing is that I know that I am one of the lucky ones. I am privileged. I at least have some money. I could make the difficult choice to go back to work to support my children. And things are not as rocky as they could be.
But whenever I think of my situation, or what is happening to my children now, only one word comes to mind….
Inhumane.
* I wrote this last year while separated from my husband.
That is what I told my friend being a single mother is when my husband left our house and that is how it still feels to me.
Dr Suess says alone is something you'll be quite a lot - and that is something I feel all the time now. I am alone. I am exhausted. I am fuming inside all the time and occasionally this spills over onto these two small children that I absolutely adore.
Unfair. That is how it feels. My two-year-old runs around saying "I am angry. I am sad. I am not OK". My five-year-old kicks her in the gut hard. He says it is because he is angry his dad is gone.
Sometimes I feel we live like animals. Mostly I feel he is an animal for leaving us this way. For his fucking booze and the cocaine he still won't admit to after all this time.
Addicts are animals. My father-in-law who told me I was stupid the last time I talked to him. When I had called him sobbing after I found the cocaine and later wrote him a poem about him making me feel like a nobody. He said he didn't understand "this commentary". It was a poem you animal, you nobody, you stupid, terrible man.
Inhumane.
No one offering to help me with these children other than my mother. The exhaustion that creeps in every day. The chores that don't stop. The bills that don't stop. My to-do-list that only seems to grow.
Inhumane
My friends' girlfriend tells me 'sometimes I just say yes because they just keep asking and asking and asking and I am just too tired to say anything else and I just cannot take it anymore.'. Her kids are 10 and 7 and I think - this is what I have to look forward to. Life just getting more and more out of control and making sacrifices with future boyfriends because I have children while he is out doing whatever he wants - like it has always been. Because we are the mothers. That is what we are supposed to do.
I see a mother at the doctor’s office speaking to her children in that mother voice that isn't real and I think at least, I hope, I am always real with my children. At least I have not come to that. But then I think, isn't it sad that I even have to ask now? I am not sure of anything anymore.
Inhumane.
The looks I get from people when I am with my children when I don't wear my six-carats of wedding ring. Yes, it changes things. Substantially.
Inhumane.
I am now wearing a size Zero. I have become a Zero. This wasn't supposed to happen to me - I look like Catherine Zeta-Jones for God's sake - at least that's what everyone is always telling me - or did before I started disappearing. I don't know who I am anymore or where I am going or especially how the fuck I got here. I have an MBA. I was making a good salary. This wasn't the plan. This wasn't the life I thought I would have. But here I am. A single mother. And it just feels inhumane and wrong.
The sad thing is that I know that I am one of the lucky ones. I am privileged. I at least have some money. I could make the difficult choice to go back to work to support my children. And things are not as rocky as they could be.
But whenever I think of my situation, or what is happening to my children now, only one word comes to mind….
Inhumane.
* I wrote this last year while separated from my husband.
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