Anger

I am feeling very angry lately, nearly all the time, at my ex.

On one hand, I feel like life keeps getting better and better. I have many relationships that I get a lot of satisfaction from and that I am very grateful for.

I have been able to spend a lot of time with my grandmother - more than I thought I would have several weeks ago. I am trying to stop by there every day.

My grandmother amazes me. She is so damned tough.

I also must say that my uncle has amazed me. He has truly risen to the occasion and given her the best care anyone could ever imagine. I have stereotyped alcoholics a lot lately. And he is certainly an alcoholic. But he has been able to put that aside and really, really care for her the way she needs to be cared for and the way she deserves. I am so grateful that he is there with her at all times. I have not seen anyone give the level of care that he has given her. It is truly heartwarming.

It reminds me that we do all have a choice. He certainly could have dug his head in the sand, drank too much, and ignored my grandma's needs - and in typical alcoholic fashion felt sorry for himself. I always worried when I was married to J, that if anything ever happened to me, he would never have it in him to take care of me. I still feel that very strongly to this day.

I am done with most of my grieving and sadness. Several weeks ago that had completely consumed me. There were days where I spent nearly the entire day crying. Her death seemed so completely unfair to me. It seemed too early.

She did not want that from any of us. And she has told me as much many times. I really had to get a grip on myself. You can't just bury your emotions - I don't believe that is good. But I did need to work through them in order to get where we are now. I feel like now we can just enjoy each other. And even though she is sick and there are things we have discussed that are sad, I always look forward to my time with her.

For the last 6 years she has lived less than 10 minutes away from my house. But I really took that for granted. I felt like she was my young and healthy grandma and I would have at least 20 more years to spend with her.

It occurred to me today that we take life for granted here so much. We assume, like I did, that we are entitled to so much time with our parents or grandparents, and life promises us nothing.

At the same time, we are so flip about our policies in this country, which cause the premature death to millions around the world. It is so hypocritical really.

I have always known this on some level, but today it really hit me. Perhaps because today is the anniversary of the Sabra And Shatila massacres. (If you don't know what this is, and most Americans seem not to, there is a good article at www.countercurrents.org - Remembering Sabra And Shatila by Sonja Karkar).

In any case, this flipness is one of the things that enrages me about my ex.

The fact that he's this spoiled little rich boy who invents problems like drugs and drinking too much while there is an entire world out there that is suffering - and many times they are suffering as a result of our own excesses and fucked up policies.

He made a flip comment the other week about how a lot of people are having financial problems right now.

That just infuriated me.

Yes, this is true. Our economy is really screwed up right now and there are millions and millions of people who are barely hanging on by a thread.

But here he is with every resource in the world - a wealthy family, connections, a good job, an inheritance, and on and on and on....

He chose to stop working - for years - because he didn't fucking feel like it. Work was beneath him. It was more important for him to get high, to get drunk and to fuck random women than to take care of his family. He made a conscious choice to fuck over his family. He will always be fine because his family will always be right there to bail him out. He will always have a huge inheritance to bank on. But I don't have that.

And now, not only does he take zero responsibility, or try to fix it, he tries to put himself in the same category with people who truly did not have a choice or any other options.

It is sickening. He makes me sick.

I have developed a hernia and not been doing my Kundalini Yoga for the last month. I notice a huge difference in my anger level. That seemed to release a lot for me. So I think I will get back to that. I'd rather pop my hernia out than feel this constant anger eating at my soul.

I am really regretting the day we ever had sex, the day we got married, the first day that I ever put up with any of his bullshit.

I should have walked so long ago. I can't get that time back. It is gone. Just like my grandma's time is nearly up. I am glad that I have more choices than she had in her day. I don't have to stay married to an alcoholic for 36 years. But it still burns. It is a bitter poison that I live with every day. How I wish I could be rid of it. How I wish I had made better choices years ago. Perhaps I am most angry at myself. But I still resent him so much, and I don't know if I will ever get past that.