New Baby

I woke up this morning to my kids bringing me breakfast in bed. They have been so sweet and thoughtful lately.

I have been rather sad. Between my grandma holding on to her last bit of life, and feeling like my life is too tired to start something up again.

I saw some pictures on my Facebook page that gave me some hope. A friend of mine that I have known for over 20 years had a baby with his wife. This is not so significant in and of itself. But I know what they went through to get there. Both went through very, very difficult divorces. And he in particular had some other major trials as well. New babies always bring new life, whether they are yours or not. I am very happy for both of them. They really deserve the happiness they found.

I have been feeling like I really don't want to meet anyone and start over with someone again. I don't want to go through that phase of getting to know someone. I don't have time for that with my kids. I can't take the risk that they won't be the right person. I can't fail my kids.

Perhaps that day will come when I change my mind. For now, I have enough to take care of with my kids. And I need to find a job soon.

This morning will be spent with my grandma. It is bittersweet because I know it may be the last. My uncle shaved her head and my aunt will be here soon from Texas. She called my mom the other day and asked her to come help her. This is so unlike my grandmother that it almost makes me want to cry by itself.

My mom keeps saying she's not ready to go. Life is so cruel sometimes. You don't get to pick your time. It seems too young and too unfair to me too. But for now, I will just try to enjoy this day.