Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Thoughts Circling in my Head

I feel like I need to clear my head.

A lot has happened and I have not had the time or desire to write about it here.

My husband seems to have gotten his act together for the time being.

I say that somewhat, but not entirely hopefully, because he has done this before, although not to this extent.

He has become a father to the kids in a more active role than he ever has before.

He is sober, obviously sober.

He is working his program.

He is helping me.

He is bringing dinner when I am tired.

He is washing the dishes.

He is doing the laundry.

He is actively engaged with both of the children.

He is bringing me roses.

He is being thoughtful and considerate.

He is paying our children's tuition (on time).

He is giving me money when I need it.

But I am still tired and I am still hesitant to trust anything.

He continues to say he does not want a divorce, and I have continued to say that too much damage has been done. He says he wants to repair it. I say some things can not be repaired. He thinks anything can. I say, look at Katrina.

What impresses me about my husband is that he does not give up.

In any case, there have been a lot of things circling through my mind.

First of all, being divorced or separated from someone you have kids with is really not a whole lot different than being with that person. I still see him nearly every day. I still talk to him constantly. He just goes home to his place and sleeps there. There is still a relationship. It's just a lot more responsibility for me and a whole lot less money.

It is very exhausting being a single parent. I know I have said that before and I don't want to constantly complain about it, but I don't think it is a one-person job. I think I am very lucky to have my mom, and now, a husband that is helping quite a bit. But I am still quite tired all the time. I really think that there should be more help offered to people who are doing this on their own. That was one thing that really impressed me at the memorial service for Dick the other day - how many single mothers and children he had helped over the years. To me, that is making a difference.

At the end of the day, it is a very lonely and alienating job. Raising children is a big job period, but doing it alone is just a lot.

But that being said, there is also the nagging thought I have of, what if he relapses again? I can not put my kids or myself through that, again.

And I have said to him even, you are better off starting fresh with someone else, because I have given you so many fresh starts, and there will be no fresh start this time. He says he does not want a fresh start - he wants his family.

It seems that everyone has their opinions and dislikes of my husband. A lot of people want to see him suffer. But in the end, it is me that is suffering mostly because I am carrying the workload.

I am angry about a lot of things and a lot of those will take perhaps a lifetime to get over. I am mostly angry at my father-in-law though because I truly believe he set my husband up to fail in nearly every way.

My husband has failed me in so many ways, and that has been painful. Very painful. But I have to think that had he been raised differently, he would have made different choices.

When I look the children my father-in-law "raised", I see three things:
He raised the eldest to be "mentally unfit" and then left him to rot in a state home.
He raised my husband to be a dependent addict.
And he raised the youngest to believe he was stupid and incompetent.

Perhaps that is harsh, but that is how I see things.

What I believe about children is that you set them up to win. You give them wings to fly, not strings to hold them back.

Nothing has to be, or will be, decided today, or anytime soon for that matter. But these are my thoughts today.

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