"There have always been women who
remember the old ways.
Women who refuse to please others
by becoming smaller than they are.
Women who take space
with their thoughts and feelings,
their needs and desires,
their anger and their dreams.
Women full of themselves."
-Patricia Lynn Reilly
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
On Friendship Among Women
UCLA Study "On Friendship Among Women"
By Gale Berkowitz
A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are.
By the way, they may do even more. Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women.It's a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research--most of it on men--upside down.
Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible, explains Laura Cousin Klein, Ph.D, now an Assistant Professor of Bio-behavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study's authors. It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers.
Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just fight or flight; in fact, says Dr. Klein, it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect.
This calming response does not occur in men, says Dr. Klein, because testosterone---which men produce in high levels when they're under stress---seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen; she adds, seems to enhance it.
The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic "aha" moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded, says Dr. Klein. When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own. I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew instantly that we were onto something.
The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one scientist after another from various research specialties. Very quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that women respond to stress differently than men has significant implications for our health.
It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the "tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol.
There's no doubt, says Dr. Klein, that friends are helping us live longer. In one study, for example, researchers found thatpeople who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%. Friends are also helping us live better.
The Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidantes was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight!
And that's not all! When the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend and confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were not always so fortunate.
Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That's a question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D., co-author of BestFriends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls' and Women's Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998).
Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women, explains Dr. Josselson. We push them right to the back burner. That's really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women. It's a very healing experience.
By Gale Berkowitz
A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are.
By the way, they may do even more. Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women.It's a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research--most of it on men--upside down.
Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible, explains Laura Cousin Klein, Ph.D, now an Assistant Professor of Bio-behavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study's authors. It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers.
Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just fight or flight; in fact, says Dr. Klein, it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect.
This calming response does not occur in men, says Dr. Klein, because testosterone---which men produce in high levels when they're under stress---seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen; she adds, seems to enhance it.
The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic "aha" moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded, says Dr. Klein. When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own. I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew instantly that we were onto something.
The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one scientist after another from various research specialties. Very quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that women respond to stress differently than men has significant implications for our health.
It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the "tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol.
There's no doubt, says Dr. Klein, that friends are helping us live longer. In one study, for example, researchers found thatpeople who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%. Friends are also helping us live better.
The Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidantes was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight!
And that's not all! When the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend and confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were not always so fortunate.
Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That's a question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D., co-author of BestFriends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls' and Women's Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998).
Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women, explains Dr. Josselson. We push them right to the back burner. That's really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women. It's a very healing experience.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
We are Objects
"The voice of women and the voice of nature have been muted under patriarchy. Women and nature are considered objects under patriarchy, and objects do not speak, objects do not feel, and objects have no needs. Objects exist only to serve the needs of others."
- Marti Kheel
- Marti Kheel
Friday, March 5, 2010
Islamic Law
I have been thinking a great deal about my situation lately in terms of Islamic Law. Prior to our marriage, my husband agreed to abide by the rules of my religion.
I had asked my husband to sit down with me and write up an Islamic prenuptual agreement. These are standard in all Islamic marriages. They can be as simple or as complex as you want them.
I think these are really important because it sets up the dialoge ahead of time as to what each parties expectations are and spells out what will happen if these expectations are not met.
Unfortunately, I got tied up and busy with the wedding plans and my husband was in no hurry to draft such a document. So, we never did one.
I really regret that.
Contrary to popular belief, Islam at its root was a very progressive religion for women. It was the first religion to give women the right to divorce. It was the first religion to give women property rights - and many other financial rights.
In Islam, motherhood is valued.
I feel strongly that we do not value motherhood in our culture, and I think that is really wrong.
There are a lot of things built in to many Islamic countries (via Islamic Law) that protect women and mothers.
For one, the extended family plays a much greater role. If one party is acting out, the family calls that party into account.
Women are free to work if they chose to, but if they do, the money they earn is theirs alone to keep and not intended to support the family. The man is supposed to support the family at all times and would be audited upfront to make sure they were capable of doing that before a marriage could even take place.
If the man strayed or the couple decided to divorce, the man would still be required to support the family.
A woman also receives her family inheritance when she marries, so she has a nest egg going into the marriage that no one can touch. So if all else fails in the rare situation where a man did not support his family after a divorce, the woman would have something to fall back on.
Interest is forbidden in Islamic Law, so there is very little debt in most Muslim countries (although this is changing unfortunately). Most men live with their families well into their mid-thirties and save money so they can pay cash for their home. Most cars are purchased with cash. People live within their means more often, so there aren't all the same financial issues that we have here in the United States.
I guess what I am getting at is that the position that I am in right now would just never happen in most of the Muslim world.
Obviously, these laws to not apply to my situation here in the United States. But I wanted to point them out because I frequently find that people have major misunderstandings about Islam.
I had asked my husband to sit down with me and write up an Islamic prenuptual agreement. These are standard in all Islamic marriages. They can be as simple or as complex as you want them.
I think these are really important because it sets up the dialoge ahead of time as to what each parties expectations are and spells out what will happen if these expectations are not met.
Unfortunately, I got tied up and busy with the wedding plans and my husband was in no hurry to draft such a document. So, we never did one.
I really regret that.
Contrary to popular belief, Islam at its root was a very progressive religion for women. It was the first religion to give women the right to divorce. It was the first religion to give women property rights - and many other financial rights.
In Islam, motherhood is valued.
I feel strongly that we do not value motherhood in our culture, and I think that is really wrong.
There are a lot of things built in to many Islamic countries (via Islamic Law) that protect women and mothers.
For one, the extended family plays a much greater role. If one party is acting out, the family calls that party into account.
Women are free to work if they chose to, but if they do, the money they earn is theirs alone to keep and not intended to support the family. The man is supposed to support the family at all times and would be audited upfront to make sure they were capable of doing that before a marriage could even take place.
If the man strayed or the couple decided to divorce, the man would still be required to support the family.
A woman also receives her family inheritance when she marries, so she has a nest egg going into the marriage that no one can touch. So if all else fails in the rare situation where a man did not support his family after a divorce, the woman would have something to fall back on.
Interest is forbidden in Islamic Law, so there is very little debt in most Muslim countries (although this is changing unfortunately). Most men live with their families well into their mid-thirties and save money so they can pay cash for their home. Most cars are purchased with cash. People live within their means more often, so there aren't all the same financial issues that we have here in the United States.
I guess what I am getting at is that the position that I am in right now would just never happen in most of the Muslim world.
Obviously, these laws to not apply to my situation here in the United States. But I wanted to point them out because I frequently find that people have major misunderstandings about Islam.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
God counts her tears
"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
- Hebrew Talmud
- Hebrew Talmud
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Mule
"Women are the mules of the world." - Zora Neale Hurston
I have thought about this quote often since I became pregnant with my son. It seems I am nothing but a mule to my husband and his family. Just a work horse with no feelings or expectations, there to take care of their offspring and expected to work and meet all of their expectations.
I have never had this feeling before and I certainly never want to experience it again.
From here on out I will regain control of my own life and live to meet my own expectations, no one else's.
My children are everything to me and will continue to be so. But I look at life very different now than when I began this relationship.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Stepping Stones
My son made a stepping stone yesterday at church to put out in the garden there. If you look closely, you will see that in addition to the gems, shells, etc. they gave him to work with at church, he also put money in his stone. I thought that was pretty humorous!
My daughter actually went to Children's Church for the first time so I was able to listen to the entire service! Two of the women from the congregation took over and gave a very special service, so I was very glad to be able to participate fully. It is wonderful to be a part of a community that honors women, and believes in the value of all people. I have my religious questions, but when it comes down to it, that's what matters the most to me.
One of the women is someone I have been getting to know better and admire quite a lot. She's in her early 60's and just finished her PhD in Psychology. I told her that is a goal I have for myself someday. (In due time, and I don't know what I want to study yet.) In any case, she gave the sermon and it was very touching.
She talked about forgiveness and turning the other cheek. She talked from a psychological perspective about how it is hard for us to forgive because of the way our brains are wired, especially if we have been wounded as children. She said the natural way of things is for us to not want to get hurt again. But she said that she didn't think that when Jesus said to turn the other cheek that he meant for us to be fools or to accept abuse. She said she interpreted the verse as turning towards the other person to see their perspective, and to understand why they might be abusing us. She talked about the abuse she experienced as a child from her father and how it took her a long time to forgive that. She said she still can not forgive the abuse itself, but she was able to come to peace around her father and felt very close to him before he died.
It gave me a lot to think about.
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