Friday, October 8, 2010

Irritated at my own Co-Dependency

I am irritated with myself this morning. My house is a mess, my weight is slightly up and my body hurts everywhere.

I started cleaning up yesterday and found several things that should have been dealt with weeks ago, if not months ago. Birthday invites, information for teachers, things that just should have been filed away. I went through each thing and took care of it, little by little, making amends where I needed to.

I have not been doing my Kundalini Yoga, which really helps me with so many things. I started doing some of the moves and promised myself I would get to the video when my ex-husband has the kids this weekend. My body has not felt like this for a long time. I've gone back to taking way too many Excedrin's as a way of powering through my day instead of resting or stretching when I need to.

It's a familiar feeling, but one I don't want to go back to as my "normal." Feeling bad was my "normal" for so damned long.

I have not been eating remotely right. I have mostly been eating ice cream and Popsicles because I just don't feel like eating anything else. My stomach is bloated, as this obviously is not a good food choice for me. I am starting to crave salads and vegetables now, so I will go to the store and get some better options (no ice cream!).

I am struggling between wanting to change and not be so codependent and thinking that we are essentially who we are. Perhaps I will always be this way, but I am getting better at taking care of myself and at least realizing when I go down the dark tunnel again.

It seems to be a fine line between being compassionate and wanting to help and going completely overboard and neglecting myself and my own responsibilities.

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