Thursday, October 7, 2010


I just came from my grandmother's house. She is really out of it now. It is so sad to see her this way. It is good she had some extra meat on her bones to begin with because she is really skinny now.

Her brain is nearly gone. She got confused and told my mom she needed to leave. My mom ran out, and we all knew she was upset. I had been there for about an hour before that, so I knew that she was just completely out of it. I asked her if she wanted me to leave too and she said yes. Then she realized what she had done and they asked me to run back out and get my mom. She had already left.

The Social Worker helped me give her a bath. She perked up then, but it was humiliating for her when we washed her private parts and she started to cry. She broke my heart.

I was glad to have someone there helping me. She was very kind and it didn't seem as hard as it had with my other grandma when I had to do it alone. She kept things light. I will not let myself break down with my grandma again.

My grandma did not want hospice there again today and she has said that several times now. As it turns out, it is a profit thing. My uncle had reiterated to one hospice worker yesterday that she didn't want everyone there and the woman snapped back that he had to let them come because if they didn't come, they wouldn't get paid.

I have learned a lot about our system of dying in the last 3 years. This is the third grandparent to use hospice. There is a lot I would change.

It is too late now for any of the so-called assisted suicide to help us as my grandma had wanted. There is a 15-day waiting period and she will not make it 15 days. She just has to suffer until her death. All we can do is make her as comfortable as she can be.

I was so grateful to my uncle today for being there. Life is so complicated. People are so multi-faceted. I know that my uncle is the only one who could care for my grandma the way she needs to be cared for. She needs someone quick, competent and most of all, someone who will not baby her. She is such a strong and proud woman.

In one way, he's my hero - and certainly hers. In another way, he has traumatized my aunt and my mother and they have felt abused by him.

It's hard for me not to see him as a hero though. He has always been my favorite uncle, and I love him so much.

My grandma said again that her biggest fear is that all her kids will start to fight when she's gone. I told her they wouldn't but I suppose we both know the reality.

Last night, our Associate Pastor called me and asked if she could stop by with her boyfriend. She is a beautiful woman in her seventies who has connected with a childhood friend. They are both just gorgeous people - they shine. They give me a lot of hope about finding a partner one day. They are so happy with each other.

She brought her gong and tried do do some relaxation for me. The kids got a little too excited though so it ended up being more about them hitting the gong. She also brought a beautiful white prayer shawl that she had made for me with the ladies at church. They all signed a card to give me encouragement.

I feel bolstered by all the prayers and love. The women at church are so special to me because I know how close many of them were with my grandma.

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