Monday, September 6, 2010

A Vent

I have really been struggling lately.

I do not have a problem meeting people. I seem to meet and attract people everywhere I go lately - whether it is new friends or men and/or women who want to date me. I feel very fortunate in many ways. I feel very loved by my friends and family.

And yet, there is a loneliness in me that I can not seem to fill.

Lately, I have been feeling that I really screwed up my life.

I am starting to feel like I am getting old. I am starting to feel the weight of 2 divorces. I am starting to feel the consequences of my actions and the decisions I have made. Primarily, the decision to marry J and then to stay with him for so long when things were so bad.

I am angry at myself for being weak. No one can seem to understand how I got into or stayed in that situation. I suppose that is why I have stayed in familiar territory for so long. I am enjoying meeting new people but I am tired of explaining the whys of my life. That said, I feel that the future in moving forward, not in going back.

It is apparent to me now how much of a mental, physical and emotional drain J has been over the last 8 years - and even now.

I have tried to be a friend to J like I did with H after we divorced. But they are completely different men, and I am starting to realize that things are not remotely the same. Perhaps many other people saw this before me, but I did not.

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