They Can't Take That Away From Me

I am so upset today and I just can't seem to pull it together.

Anti-depressants are good for one thing. You feel nothing. Not that that is an attribute but I think people prefer it.

I managed much better with j for the months I was on it. And I was able to deal with the death of my first grandma without much fanfare. Even at her funeral and burial, I barely cried.

I am not proud of that.

My other grandma seems to be getting worse day by day and it is completely heartbreaking. I cannot come completely to terms with it. It comes in waves. The hardest part seems to be when I cannot see her.

Monday, when I visited her, I rang the door and no one answered for a long time. Finally my uncle came out and explained that she was too sick to see me. Too sick to see anyone. She had been vomiting nonstop for days. The doctor told her she needed to just completely rest and see no one. Her kids have been fighting. There has been too much stress. I was heartbroken, but I knew my uncle was right and I am so grateful for all he is doing for her.

This afternoon is the first I have spoke to her, and it is not good. The news seems to be worse and worse. She is always so worried about everyone else and no one seems to really see her.

In the midst of this my bankruptcy was finally filed and I got some bad news from my attorney. I had just finished an email to him when she called and was crying about that but I sucked it in and told her that everything here was fine. She is always so concerned with everyone else's problems. It's probably what is killing her. Everyone is troubling her with all their shit and she doesn't need to know mine.

I was here alone with my daughter and wanted to scream at her. NEVER MARRY AN ALCOHOLIC. It will ruin your life. Your body will become rotted with cancer and prior to that they will Fuck you in every way possible.

I just held her and cried. I don't want her to be laden with my problems.

I suppose in 10 years all of this will be off my record and I will move on.

But right now I am so Fucking angry.

I realize how expendable I was to my husband and his family. It makes me physically sick. Everything I endured all that time was for nothing. They would have killed me. They practically did.

Here is a lesson for anyone who has been in my shoes. If you are suffering from the actions of an alcoholic, don't make the mistake of feeling sorry for them. They don't give one tiny good god damn about you. They don't and they never will. They will not change. They will not ever care for anything. When all is said and done, they will still come back and BLAME YOU for everything that has happened - THAT THEY FUCKING DID.

And that's not just my story. That is every Al anon meeting I have ever been to.

How easy it would have been for them to pay all of this. They are so opposed to welfare for single mothers or any "handouts" for the poor.

They are so quick to take any handout they can, so long as someone Else pays the price.

Do they need a $150,000 handout? Hell no. It makes me sick, sick, sick.

It is wrong on every level, every single level. But who helps someone like me? The only people who get help are people who don't need it and don't deserve it - like my ex and his parents.

They are all failures as far as I can see. They leave their own to die alone. They would rather pay for rehab and bailouts for addicts than for education and a way forward for their grandchildren.

My father in law went as far once to burn down the cardboard box a homeless man lived in on "his Property".

So it should be no surprise to me that he and his son would burn down my own house. That they would destroy everything.

My ex-husband has no respect for me taking care of our kids or especially my grandmothers before they die. He told me he was "glad he could support my charity work."

I hate him. I hate all of them. It has just become too much for me to swallow.

I had to take a withdrawal last month from my 401k again so we could live.

It killed me. But I did it.

Previously I had decimated 3 different accounts because he didn't want to work. This boy with every resource in the world at his feet - did not want to break a sweat for his own fucking blood.

This recent withdrawal was my start up from 6 years ago when he got sober.

I feel like I will never catch up.

Who is going to take care of me when I am old?

I don't even want to burden my children with this. I hope they will not be like their dad's family. That would be my greatest failure as a mother and a human being.

But I also hope that they will not be like me and my mom and end up with nothing.

Today the bankruptcy attorney told me that they would take away the last $1000 from that withdrawal.

I just lost it. Why the fuck for?

I can't begin to say the crazy thoughts that have gone through my head this afternoon, but they amount to

OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!.

Why should I give up one more god damned thing? That money is for my kids. Lord knows his family or him won't give up one damned cent.

It is just too much. Too god damned much for me today.

I may die with nothing, but I will always be proud that I took care of my family. No one can take that from me.