Pain and Closure

I finally got my divorce papers this morning and it looks like everything will be done next week. There are a lot of errors and things that aren't exactly what I want them to be, but at this point, I just want to be legally divorced. It sounds like the errors will mostly be corrected in the next few days, so that should improve things somewhat.

I am very frustrated and aggravated. I had to go to the doctor the other day for severe abdominal pain. I spent several hours there with both my children, getting tests and x-rays. I think we have figured out what is wrong, but I am still in a lot of pain. I don't check my home voicemail often, but last night I did after dinner. There was a frantic call from my doctor late that evening after the visit saying that he felt horrible because he had forgotten to give me my prescription. It was a little chaotic there in his office with young children waiting for hours. I had to leave them alone when I went to get my x-rays and they went a little nuts.

The kids and I went in to get that last night and I think it is helping. But I am just in a sad and pissy mood. After we returned home my sister called to let me know that one of my uncles from her side of the family had passed. It happened to be my favorite uncle, and unfortunately one that I had put off seeing because of the difficulties I've had with my step father.

We have been slowing healing our relationship, but I have a lot of sadness that I did not reach out to my uncle before he passed. The strain in the relationship had nothing to do with him - he was always so kind to me. My children never met him. I have stayed away from his family since his divorce with my mother, largely for self-preservation. They had 15 children in that family and there were many people that I loved and felt close to. I'm sure that no one can begin to imagine why I have stayed away all these years. It was a difficult thing for me, but I can't really see it any other way. I needed to build up strength and healing in myself. I just wish it had happened sooner.

I am looking forward to a point where things are easier and I have some closure. I see that happening soon on many fronts, so I am happy for that. I just need to take it a day at a time.


And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

- Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Kundalini

I heard about Kundalini Yoga several years ago and decided I wanted to do it. I purchased 2 DVDs and they have sat there unopened ever since.

I have told myself I would get to them, and today I finally opened one and began.

I have had constant back and neck pain for years and take Excederine and Ibupropen every day, which really bothers me. I try to live my life without toxins, and I know both of these are poisons that do not contribute to my well-being.

I think this yoga practice will completely transform my life. I immediately felt renewed energy and power. My back and neck opeened up. I didn't realize it was so aerobic - nor did I realize how out of shape I am! I have never been interested in weight training programs or things that just seemed otherwise unnatural to me. This is something I definately enjoyed doing and I felt an immediate benefit. I am hooked after one session and plan to make it a daily practice.

Remembering Family Week

For some reason, I thought back to "Family Week" at Betty Ford (which I usually refer to as "Fuck Family Week") today and an image has been stuck in my head.

There was a beautiful and kind woman there with me, and I grew to love her almost instantly. We still keep in touch, and she is very dear to my heart.

At one point during the week, we were supposed to confront the addict in our lives and express the pain they had caused us. Her husband was not there, so she addressed someone else, or maybe it was a chair - my memory fails me. Her face was so mesmerizing in that moment that I did not really notice anything else.

I do not remember most of the things she said, but I do remember how real and raw her pain felt. I remember thinking, here is this beautiful, amazing, compassionate woman - and she did not deserve any of this.

I do not remember my moment or what was said to my husband. At that point, I think I skipped over a lot of things because I don't like being under pressure or in the spotlight. In some ways, I think it would have been better if he had not been there because I think I tried to spare a lot of his feelings and humiliation instead of getting rid of everything in my heart.


“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- Maya Angelou

Unsent Letter #1 - Fall 2008

I am in constant pain all the time. Last week was the first time I actually considered taking prescription drugs - or even getting some pot. But I didn't. I have treated this with chiropractic care, acupuncture, massage, the inversion table and way too many Excedrin's. My back and neck are still killing me. I am going back to meditations and affirmations. I am listening and reading You Can Heal your Life again. I think that this must lie in my inability to forgive.

I don't want to take drugs. I don't want to even take all these Excedrin's. I am tired of being in this pain. The last few weeks I have been very short with the kids. I feel like there is literally a knife in my back. There seems to be no relief. One day it hurt so bad that I called J sobbing. I came home at noon and opened a beer and sat on a heating pad and let the kids do whatever they wanted until J came home with lunch. That seemed to help me relax some. When he walked in I started laughing hysterically, almost done with the beer and said, Now I'm going to Betty Ford! I don't think he thought it was funny.

But I can't drink beer every day. Especially at Noon. So for now I am working on getting to the bottom of this forgiveness issue. I think there are probably several things here. And what Louise says makes so much sense to me. Why am I continuing to punish myself? Why can't I let go of this? Especially when it is hurting this bad?

The person I am most angry with is my father-in-law, and then his wife.

Then I suppose my husband, to some extent, although I think the letter actually cleared a lot of that up. Maybe I should work the steps too. I think the fourth step is supposed to clear all this up. I emailed a friend about this but haven't heard back yet.

I think this last year really put us in a ditch and I resent that. I need to take more responsibility for that instead of just blaming my husband - and then my father-in-law for not helping us more. But that is hard for me. I know I did bury my head in the sand last year. I think I was depressed.

Perhaps it took me being in so much pain for me to be willing to do the work. But I am going to pour over the Heal your Life book and start to do the steps. I have a tape somewhere if I can't find someone to do them with me. And, I could find a sponsor. And, I noticed there is a workbook.

But I went to the chiropractor 3 times last week, and did everything else, and I am still in so much pain. So there has to be something else, something deeper that is holding that pain there.

So maybe I should start by doing letters. That always seems to help me.

I haven't been able to write a letter to my father-in-law in a long time. Since that seems to be most pressing, I will start there.

Dear J,

It seems that the silence between us really has not solved anything. Last night I watched the video of you dancing with H on her first birthday and I felt very sad. It has not been my intention to keep you from your grandkids. However, I did feel that there was work to be done before those relationships could resume. I don't know if that was ever conveyed to you. I think sometimes J has a hard time being in the middle of our relationship, especially now that it has become like this.

As you probably know, I have a very special relationship with my dad. He made many sacrifices for me as a single father, and I will forever be grateful to him. Likewise, my former father-in-law and I continue to share a very special love. I think I always had the expectation that we would also be close, and thus our relationship was always disappointing and painful to me. I have always felt that you held me at a distance, and when you did pull me in, you were very critical. I suppose in return, I became very critical of you.

I have had a very difficult time digesting J's childhood. It is very hard for me not to judge you. When I was at Betty Ford for family week, there was a man in my group who reminded me a lot of you and I developed a great affection for him. He was also a recovering alcoholic, who had a son at Betty Ford. He was struggling with a lot of guilt. He told me what got him through was the idea that you are only tried and convicted once for a crime. While I liked that idea, I am still struggling. The reason is that I feel like you have still treated both me and J poorly over the years. The reason that I blocked your email is I feel you have a pattern of displaying very bad, abusive behavior, and then apologizing. I think you need to change your behavior because without changed behavior an apology really means nothing.

To me, children are very precious, and you can't turn back the clock on abuse once it has happened. Wounds are very difficult to heal, and scars will stay forever. The fact that you often blow up on me or J makes me nervous to trust you around my children. I also don't come from this sort of background. As I've said before, my dad has never even raised his voice at me, so your behavior is especially frightening and concerning to me.

I don't know what the solution here is. I am tired of feeling angry and resentful towards you. I would like our family to heal and grow - and move forward. I know that you and J are healing, and that I deeply love my husband. I made a decision to try to forgive you when I was at Betty Ford, and I took the block off my email then. But I am still really struggling with this. I have been going to Al-Anon and learning a lot from that - and also reading a lot. I suppose this will be a journey and not something that I can just push all at once, but I wanted to let you know that I am trying.

I am sorry for my part in things, and I decided to make a first step towards some sort of a resolution.