Recovery is a circle

Oh where to start....

I have not written about my ex-husband's girlfriend before. I was trying to give her benefit of the doubt, but the benefit of the doubt has gone out the window.

My daughter has come home with multiple injuries that neither of them seemed to be aware of. Whenever I ask about them, I am told I am "sick" or "need help."

We had a full-on falling out earlier this week on the phone when I was unable to reach my kids all day.  Given the history, I am not OK with not talking to my kids at least once per day when they are in their dads care.

This morning, my kids called me scared because they woke up alone and couldn't find any adult cars.  They had no idea where anyone was and asked me to come pick them up.

I texted my ex, and as I was getting ready to leave received another phone call from my son worried that if I came his father would be mad.

I waited it out here while exchanging pissy text messages with both my ex and his girlfriend.

She told me her daughter, who is 11, was babysitting.  My kids had already told me that she was sleeping.

They arrived at 11am starving. No one had fed them all morning.

I know my kids.  They wake up starving before 7am.

I proceeded to feed them plate-fuls of pancakes. My son, who suffers from serious allergies went on to tell me that no one had given him his allergy medicine all week, with the exception of 2 occassions where he was given 4 times the amount he takes. He grabbed the bottle and said, "Oh thank God."

Then, my daughter told me that the 11-year-old "babysitter" got mad at her for some reason and ordered her younger brother to "beat up" my daughter.  My son chimed in and said that he had tackled her to the ground while the "babysitter" did nothing but watch and he had to pull him off her while she cried.

When I asked about this, I was told "Can you get over your sickness and pay attention your children?"  His girlfriend told me to "stop interrogating my children."

My husband's observation is that no matter how crappy they are with the kids, they continually try to blame me instead.

The only thing that is apparent to me at this point is that the girlfriend is as sick as my ex and that her home is not a safe place for my kids.

Later in the day, my daughter told me that the "babysitter" asked her if her mom ever bought her clothes.  Earlier in the week, the girlfriend had told me that my ex-husband, who she claimed to be a "good father" could not show up for his parenting time 90% of the time because he had to support everyone.

I reminded her of the minimal amount that he pays in child support and the fact that he admittedly cheats on his income so he can pay less.  So she told me that he "pays for everything", mentioning clothes.  At which point I burst into hysterics internally while trying to stay somewhat cordial.

Upon my daughter replying that, Of course I buy her clothes, she was told that the shirt she was wearing (which I bought her) was a "Mexican Junker."

This goes beyond just today.  They apparently have some issue with Mexicans, which makes my skin crawl.  My kids repeatedly tell me stories about how they are cautioned against "Mexican kidnappers" and all sorts of other nonsense.

And, the "N-word" is used "constantly" according to both my kids.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that my kids would spend time with racists of any kind.  I did not grow up that way.  It goes against everything I believe in.  It literally turns my stomach.

The moral of this story: for those of you who are in the process of divorcing an addict, you can not be too clear or too cautious when drafting your parenting plan.  Think ahead.

Recovery is a circle .  Some days/weeks/months are better than others.  Sometimes I feel like I'm over something but then I deal with the same crap over and over again.

As my husband says, you can't forgive someone when they keep doing the same things.  The behavior has to change first.

I feel very tired from all this.  My life is 3000% better divorced. I have the best husband in the world. My kids are terrific.

And yet.

There is not a moment I can sit still and enjoy the time my kids are away with their dad.  I am constantly in fear.  I have no reason to trust him.

And despite her initial attempts to tell me how trustworthy she is, the reality that I have seen does not give me any reason to believe her either.

I wish I had a better end to this post, but today I don't feel hopeful. I just feel sad. I am tired of the same shit.

So I will end with a quote a dear friend sent me during another time I felt this way.

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”

― Anaïs Nin