Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Adjusting to Reality

Every single time I see or talk to my ex, I have to remind myself of what the truth is.

I pondered this today as I walked to my kids' school (just in case, he did not pick them up.)

Yes, even after years apart, I still have to do this.

Yesterday, I put a firm boundary down.

Since the school year began 5 months ago, he has never once picked the kids up from school on time. Every week, he has an excuse; usually that he has to "work."

I reminded him yesterday that all parents have to work, including me. The $988 he pays in child support does not allow me to be flexible anymore.

As usual, it is me who is the unreasonable one.

As I walked to make sure he actually showed up, I heard his words in my head again.  The same words he has said to me so many times.

"You are a TERRIBLE person."

I know these words are not true. And yet, they still sting.

And I thought, I have never been the one who did not pick my kids up.

I have never been the one who no-showed while my kids waited for me by the door.

I am never the one who cheated, or didn't come home all night.

I have not lied. I have not cheated financially. I have not destructively destroyed my spouse, my-self or my kids.

And yet, I have never told him he is a terrible person.

My priority has always been my kids. Even when it hurt me to put them first.  I remembered a quote my friend sent me.

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." ~Anais Nin

My refusal to see my ex as he is has hurt both me and my kids for a long time.

His view of me is only a reflection of his terrible self.

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