Monday, January 31, 2011

I have been thinking a great deal lately about the way I was affected by the relationship with my ex-husband and with his family.

In retrospect, I wish I would have had the courage to leave these relationships sooner.

I have never been considered an unkind person, not by myself or anyone else. If anything, in the past, I would shrivel up into myself when in an argument rather than say something mean, or even defend myself. I very rarely used profanity, and now it just seems to pour right out of me.

There is definitely a balance to be found. And I remember my counselor telling me at the beginning of my relationship that sometimes we go to far in order to find it. I know I needed to learn how to defend myself. But I have come to realize that I went to far - and it is going to be another process to come back to central.

I had a lovely birthday dinner with my ex last night - and our children. We have been getting along well and I am glad for that. He made a comment last night that struck me - not in an unkind way - but one that made me realize for the first time that I had hurt him as well.

It was never my intention to hurt him or anybody else.

In my desperation to be heard, I started saying just anything as if that would finally allow me to be heard.

But instead I threw out all the rules of fighting fair and damaged several relationships in the process.

I have started dating again and met someone very kind. But I fear this relationship cannot last because I have not learned how to be in a normal relationship. And it seems he is getting the brunt of my practicing.

I don't know how to fix this. I just know that I need to.

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