My Letter to The Betty Ford Center

Dear Betty Ford Center,

My husband attended your center last summer for 90 days. I came down for both Family Week and the marriage retreat. I left with high hopes and great respect for your center. But all of that has been shattered in the last few days.

My husband left his BF workbook out and I made the mistake of leafing through it. He notated that he had UNPROTECTED SEX with 3 women while married to me. I had specifically asked him for his medical records while he was there, and he would not give them to me. Now I know why. I am very certain that your Center was aware of this and you must be fully aware of how dangerous unprotected sex is for people who are cocaine-addicts.

I am the mother of two young children. At your Center, you encouraged me to look at my part, and I have done that. But now I am outraged. I wasted more of my life on this addict, who also relapsed after leaving your center no-less. Had I known of his infidelities, I would have left him. Instead, your Center engaged in a cover-up which could have cost me my life.

I am thinking back to the culmination of the week, when the addicts are supposed to "come clean" and tell their partner everything. His assigned counselor actually sat in, along with 2 other counselors to make sure he said EVERYTHING. She said was satisfied with his answers. The other two counselors and the rest of the room looked over at her for her sign of approval. Afterwards, she even shook my hand. I spent the week with your counselors - a week of my life that now makes me sick. Because I feel not only betrayed by my husband, but also by your Center. And I thought you were "the good guys".

There was nothing said about the UNPROTECTED SEX he dictated in this book.

I am aware you are a center for addicts, but I ask you to consider what would happen to my children if something happened to me? Is their addict father going to take care of them? Who do you think takes care of these children? Certainly not him.

I wish your counselors would have told me the truth, even if my husband didn't have the balls to - because I could have moved on with my life at that point instead of wasting more time.

I also believe you can not reach or maintain sobriety without rigorous honesty. So in many ways, by allowing him to hide behind his lies, you also contributed to his relapse.

Make no mistake; my husband is still 100% responsible for his actions. But I think you need to strongly consider your approach at "Family Week" and look at YOUR PART in all of this.

Fuck Family Week

I am unable to sleep. I am angry at my husband and worried about what I am going to do with my life.

If it were just me, that would be one thing. But I have two young children and I need to minimize their pain as much as possible.

This isn't the life I had planned for either one of them.

In thinking about it, I have to also say that I am very disappointed in the Betty Ford Center.

My husband blamed not telling me on the 9th Step, which says something about not telling someone if it would do more harm than good to tell them.

But I told him he was manipulating that into his own BS to make it work for him.

I specifically asked him for his full medical records from there for months to check for this very thing. He evaded me, and gave excuses and everything else and this is why. That was on there.

Everything was written in a Betty Ford workbook that they went over with him. His counselor and the other counselors had to have known. I spent a week with them there.

Unprotected sex with 3 women who were also likely coke-addicts put my life at risk. And they should have told me if he didn't.

I'm thinking back to the culmination of the week, when the addicts are supposed to "come clean" and tell everything to their partner. Their assigned counselor actually sat in, along with 2 other counselors to make sure they say EVERYTHING.

There was nothing said about the UNPROTECTED SEX he dictated in this book.

And there I sat with him and all his buddies in group and at various dinners and no one said ANYTHING to me.

I seriously hate addicts and their little cover-up clubs. I suppose since they are all in the same boat, they have no problem with covering up anything for anyone else. Can't be worse than anything else they did themselves.

So there I was at the Betty Ford Center, wasting a full week on "Family week", which should really be called "FUCK-Family week" and flew down for another marriage counseling workshop. And they all just encouraged me to "look at my part". Which is great, but I have already done that. Maybe addicts should look at THEIR part for once and say "I Fucked up." Maybe they should look at their lives and say, yeah, my parents screwed me over big time, but I don't have to screw everyone else over. Maybe Rehab clinics should protect some of these family members instead of the ADDICTS WHO PAY THEM - so that we all don't end up dying from HIV or HepC, or in cars our addicts are driving when we don't know they are completely out of their minds....

I left there was such gratitude for that center, but now I hate it. I wish they would have told me the truth, even if my husband didn't have the balls to - because I could have moved on with my life at that point instead of wasting more time.

Time to face the Day

I did not sleep last night.

I woke up too early and my mind was racing just like all the hours before that I was trying to sleep.

I got up to go to the bathroom and then tried to lay back down and meditate. But I am just too upset.

Everything is spinning through my mind now. The relief wore off quickly and now I feel now is pain and fear.

I'm having coffee with all the moms from school in a few hours and I don't know how I'm going to make it. But it is the kids last day so I want to make sure it is special for them.

The Miserable Cunt

My husband left out his Betty Ford workbook and I came across it this afternoon. I actually had seen it hidden away in a drawer in the garage several months ago but didn't really look through it.

It seemed odd to me that it was out. Almost like he left it there. When I asked him about it later, he said he had taken it out to take it with him to the condo. There are multiple places he could have left the book. The condo for one, or the box he keeps at the bank that he doesn't know I know about. But it seemed to me like it was there for a reason.

In any case, I read through it.

I have always thought my husband has had affairs. But I have never been able to prove it.

I have asked him about it point blank numerous times. But he always denied it to the hilt.

And I'm a pretty liberal person in this regard. What bothers me is the lies.

I think you always know in your heart when someone is unfaithful to you.

My husband has always denied any infidelity. He acted like I am completely crazy for even thinking it.

Even when he has stayed out all night.

Even when I have found condoms.

But what I have found tonight confirms it.

In a lot of ways, I am just relieved to finally know the truth. There is something very liberating about that.

But in another I am very angry that he lied about it and did not tell me sooner.

I was ready to file for divorce 2 years ago. I went to see an attorney then and was ready to file. Had I known, I would have made different choices. And I wasn't in this financial mess then. I could have walked away and been done and today would be completely different for me.

It's not just the infidelity. It is the lies. It is everything else. And there were 3 women. He had unprotected sex with 3 women.

And I know specifically who one of them is. She is not someone anyone wants their husband sleeping with.

It's funny because she was always the one I had suspected before. He had told me when she started using cocaine again and I was suspicious as to why he started talking to her again. He said he was trying to help her get sober, but that didn't ring true to me.

Someone else had also told me he was with her when I was pregnant with our son. It was my ex-lover V, who later ended up killing himself. And I remember so specifically the last time I talked to him on the phone...him telling me, and his intonation when he said, "I can't believe you left me, and are now with that guy." It was pure disgust in his voice. He just couldn't understand it.

I have thought about that last sentence so much over the years. Especially when V killed himself. And I know now why J never made it to his funeral. It was too much for him. It was almost too much for me.

I thought about just holding onto everything and not letting him know I knew, but I couldn't. He called about half an hour after I read everything.

So I told him I had read it. And that I knew. And I also told him I had read all the parts about him driving drunk with his family and kids in the car and putting us all at risk that way.

And instead of taking responsibility or saying he was sorry, he called me a miserable cunt.

Honesty

If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know

When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the only one that I depend on

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

- Billy Joel

I actually posted this on both my blogs tonight. Maybe I will go down and listen to it a few times after I finish the next post.

To see it performed live - copy and paste this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgmJ1miBzek

Report Card

Tomorrow is the last day of school for my children. I received a comprehensive report card for my son. He's in Montessori and this was his last year so essentially it was kindergarten. No grades but 3 pages of assessments on all of his social and mental skills. It was all very good. Not one negative.

But there was one line that I feel has been my most important achievement as his mother.

J always tells the truth.

That is the line that I fixated on because that has been one of my greatest fears as their mother. I know both my children are both naturally smart. They get that from their dad. Not that I'm not, I have just always had to work harder whereas my husband is a walking encyclopedia even though he rarely reads and did not pay attention in school.

So I haven't worried as much about how smart my children are, or how successful they will be. I know they will go far in whatever they do. But I have worried a lot about their moral compass.

That one line means the world to me because it is what I have struggled with over and over again with my husband and if there is one attribute I hope my children will get from me it is honesty. And mostly, for their own sake.


"Honesty is not a social duty, not a sacrifice for the sake of others, but the most profoundly selfish virtue man can practice: his refusal to sacrifice the reality of his own existence to the deluded consciousness of others."
-Ayn Rand

The Marriage Counselor

I went to a marriage counselor today with my husband and it was awful. He was very direct and I didn't like him very much.

Seemed like my husband was giving him a real song and dance about our life together and I was just getting more and more angry and interjecting at all the false spots.

He asked if I was willing to try and asked why I hadn't filed for divorce. I said because I feel totally stuck financially like I don't even have a choice. Our finances are completely fucked.

So my husband started saying that wasn’t all his fault and I disagreed because he was the one who stopped working for a year and that's when this all started.

So he said something about me not working and I barged right in and said NO! I have been working and you never acknowledge that taking care of kids is work too even if you don't get paid for it.

We went round and circles around him not coming home all night and to the birthday party. He gave explanations for both, but I said there is just no explanation that will ever be good enough for me. I just don't understand. And the counselor said, No, you just don't like it.

And I said, that too but I just can't understand or comprehend his behavior.

I told the Counselor that I didn't grow up with a father this way and I was not used to living this way or being around drugs.

My husband said, that's not true!! Your step dad is an alcoholic and your mom had drugs in the house!

And I said, No, my mom had some marajuana and that's not the same thing. And my dad always came home for dinner and never stayed out all night long. And even my step dad never acted like you have. And I have never been called a BITCH, or had cocaine in my home right where my daughter could access it.

My husband told us that his dad had told him not to come to the birthday party and that he had also been talking to a lot of other people about it. He said that everyone had told him that all my friends and family would be at the party and if he couldn’t contain himself he shouldn’t go. He said his dad had more than 20 years of sobriety and that he had been divorced and was on his fourth marriage so he knew a lot about these things. He was insinuating that it was some sort of a set-up for him to lose it in front of a bunch of people I reminded him that I had invited all his friends too. Of course, none of them came.

I said that his dad was the most dysfunctional person I have ever met so I don’t understand why he would ever got to him for any sort of advice.

The Counselor asked when the last time both of us had felt good about our marriage. My husband said it was when he got back from Betty Ford. I responded that it was when our daughter was a baby, right before he relapsed.

Then I broke down. I said if I had ever known he was ever going to relapse again - even if there was a slight chance - I never would have married him. It's just too hard for me. I can’t live like that.

Towards the end he asked if I was even willing to try and I said that I don't feel any hope. The only way I can do it is if we remain separated. I can't live with him now and put my kids (and me) through him not coming home again.

So my husband said he wanted more time with the kids then and I said I wasn't willing to let him drive anywhere with him. I told them I wasn't willing to take any sort of risk with my kid’s lives. I carried those kids in my stomach for 9 months and I have been the one taking care of them 24-7 and I am not going to let anyone take them away from me. Even if the risk is .000000008%, I won't do it. And if he demands that I will get a lawyer and fight it.

So my husband backed down. And said he would stick to the original agreement in good faith while we are separated.

The Counselor said that all the research shows that kids do best when parents raise their kids together - even when they are divorced. And I said I realize that and I have talked to our son’s counselor about it and read the Sandcastles book (about helping kids get through a divorce) but with my husband’s drug and alcohol addictions I still need to protect my kids. And he said he understood that and all advice was the ideal and that he knew we had special circumstances.

He asked if we were willing to date or spend time with each other during the separation. I told him we had done some of that but for the most part I needed my space. I explained that when my husband stayed too long at the house I tired of him and wanted him to leave. This seemed to really piss off my husband. I said the only way we can build back trust is for him to actually do the things he says he will over time with me and the kids and in meeting our financial obligations. If he didn’t do that, nothing would work.

So my husbands tone got nasty and he said, Fine! You can just stay separated and do whatever you want to do and wear your ring on the other finger or take it off altogether.

And then I started laughing and said yeah but your tone is totally pissed off and you don't sound like you mean that at all.

The Counselor did tell my husband at the end that he got bad advice about not going to the party.

I’m not sure if we will go back or not. My husband left very angry and I said I wasn’t sure that we could resolve anything. He told us to call him if we want to set up another appointment.

My husband just sent me a text saying, thanks for going and being honest. At least I know where we stand.

Taking a Break...

I took a little break from the blog this morning. I had an upsetting argument with a friend and I am re-evaluating a lot of things right now.

As much as my husband has hurt me on many levels, he is still probably my best friend and the one I go to for sorting out things like this. He has been in AA for a long time and he does have some good insight as to what a healthy relationship entails, even if he doesn’t always act that way himself.

I am very conflicted about where to go from here.

I wanted to start to blog to sort through a lot of issues in my life but I don’t really feel any closer to resolving anything.

I’m just very sad about where life has taken me. It seems like most of us still follow the same path we know from our families of origin regardless of how much we try to change.

And I’m frustrated even with myself on that end. I have read so much, listened to so many lectures, gone to church/mosque, therapy, retreats, meditated, prayed, written it all down…you name it…and I am still me.

And many of my “mistakes” in life have been the same mistakes that my parents and grandparents have made.

So I suppose I should expect the same from everyone else.

I am very hard on myself. But I am also hard on everyone else. My expectations just kill me.

Picnic

We went to the end of the year school picnic as a family tonight. I just picked up some pizzas on the way but it was actually great. As a "couple" on a social level we actually get along really well (so long as my husband is not drinking).

This is the end of our sons 3rd year in Montessori and I really like the families we have been in with. My husband met a few men that he really gets along well with. He hasn't interacted with these families nearly as much as I have but he's good at walking right in anywhere and becoming friends with everyone.

The kids were happy he was there too.

My son’s teachers know what has been going on at home but other than that, no one does. Even last year when J was in rehab for 90 days, it is not anything I shared with anyone. There's such a stigma with alcoholism and I haven't wanted my son to be singled out or be the family that no one wants to be around.

The Yesterday of Youth

In the yesterday of youth I dared to dream
I had a song to give the world.
In the caverns of my mind,
Where light never makes things clear,
I had a lifetime left, I thought,
To make those dreams come true.

Now the yesterday of youth has gone forever;
It won't return no matter what.
Through the cobwebs of my mind
Drift the visions I had long ago.
Whatever happened to the years
That once stretched far ahead?

-Jo Fulkerson

Taurus Bull

We spent a lot of the day yesterday with my husband. One thing about a separation, is you're supposed to be separate!

It was only supposed to be a movie and lunch. The kids have been wanting to see Up. But my daughter decided she didn't want to watch it as soon as we got into the theatre, so I took her home.

The boys came back with a nice bouquet of flowers for me.

My husband did some things that have been needing to be done in the garage. All in all, it went well, but by dinner time I was really ready for him to leave.

My daughter started acting up and he tried to discipline her but she wouldn't listen to him. Then he got angry and demanded that I do something with her. I really didn't think she had done anything wrong, so we were back in the irritation phase that both of us get into with each other around the kids.

Well, let me back peddle. She was running with some dull scissors. Not ideal, but all that needed to be done was to ask her to give them back or gently remove them from her hands. Instead, my husband started yelling and getting all upset that she was going to "hurt" herself with them. Possibly so, but knowing my daughter, that's the wrong approach. She's a very feisty girl. And most of the time, if you don't make a big deal of something, she will just back right down. But when my husband comes on so strong with her, she becomes adamant and will NOT do anything.

So he got mad that she told him no, and I didn't agree with him yelling at her because it seemed like it was a lot more about his need for control than her actually starting out doing something wrong. So she ended up on my lap crying and he was mad she wasn't standing in the corner.

He stomped up the stairs and I stayed with my daughter, who didn't really care about the scissors. She's 3. I don't know how those two will survive each other. They are both Taurus signs, and their birthdays are a day apart. From the start, they have rubbed each other the wrong way.

I know addicts have arrested development, which would put him somewhere in his teen years in terms of where he is emotionally, but he is still the adult. And I am often irritated that he doesn't act more like one.

I started making dinner early because I was tired and wanted to get to bed as soon as possible. He came in when it was almost done and asked if he was joining us for dinner.

I said, looks like you're here, doesn't it?

He got upset with my tone and told me I wasn't very gracious to him. I don't know how much more gracious I could be.

In any case, he finally left around 6 and we went to bed very early.

It was nice to have him take the garbage cans out for trash day, wash the dishes, and do some other things around the house. Sometimes doing IT ALL every day becomes completely exhausting.

He mentioned wanting to come home numerous times during the day. I told him I didn't see that happening. He says he misses us,but he still has that very negative energy, even when he's trying to be nice. I just don't want to live that way. I also told him I didn't want to wonder when and if he was coming home.

"Always On Your Side"

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But your demons and your angels reappear
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought you'd be
Too afraid to hear the words you always feared
Leavin' me with only questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

-Sheryl Crow

I gave these lyrics to my husband a few years ago because I can really relate. He was sort of offended that I have them to him, but the shoe fits...

To watch her perform this with Sting, cut and paste this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FAD3GmlB1c

Resentful

I am really in a rotten mood this morning.

I have not heard back from my husband since I snapped at him. Probably good in many ways, but then I find myself wondering if I pushed him off the edge and he started drinking last night.

I wonder when this blame game will ever be over. Him blaming me, me blaming him, me blaming everyone who doesn't do things the way I want them to.

I feel very exhausted by the job of being a single mom right now. It's never ending. My mom and sisters are helping a lot but I think I'm also just emotionally tired.

I missed my Al-Anon meeting yesterday because I was taking care of a clients loan file. And I found myself resenting them this morning. Then I realized how stupid that was. They never asked me to miss my meeting. They don't even know I go to meetings. They are lovely people. I am just always trying to fix things for everybody else and then I get mad when there is no time left for me.

I missed my women's weekend to go to a funeral. And in retrospect I think I really needed that weekend alone out in the middle-of-nowhere. I have such a firm sense of right and wrong but lately it seems when I do all the "right" things, I only find myself alone and tired. (And resentful.)

Tired of Alcoholics

I am very tied of alcoholics tonight.

Tonight one of my dearest friends came for dinner from out of town, and to spend the night. My kids and I have been looking forward to her visit for months. She has lived over 2000 miles away for over 7 years, so I don't see her often. But we are always texting and emailing so we are very, very close.

She brought a friendship necklace for me with her tonight and I really love it. We had a lovely evening together....but a few hours in her step mom called and told her that her dad had been missing for four hours. And while I empathized with her I felt myself angry with her dad.

Why can't he just let her live her life? Why can't he let her enjoy her evening?

My husband called right after she left and I snapped at him.

He said but I'm in recovery.

Well, you weren't 3 weeks ago when you didn't come home all night long.

Or the week after when you didn't come to your daughters 3rd birthday.

So this all hits pretty close to home for me.

And I'm wondering if there's any peace in alcoholic families or if my kids will have to go look for their dad in a ditch or a hospital someday.

I told my friend how I felt and I think we understand each other. We've been friends for 22 years. I told her I was not mad at her. And I'm not. I just am frustrated that one more thing was ruined by an alocoholic.

I'm sorry for her and I'm sorry for me. Because this is just one more instance where an alcoholic has screwed up our night. And it has happened to both of us so many times.

And does he really care?

Probably not.

The Magazine

The magazine got back to me and said that they had narrowed down their decision and had a few questions for me. One was about how much time I could devote to them. They are a start-up and it sounds like it would be a pretty big commitment.

I spoke to a few trusted friends earlier in the day, as well as my husband. He's actually a very good businessman and was very helpful (as were my friends).

I sent them an email back saying it was more than I could commit to time-wise right now. I'm a little sad because I really believe in what they're doing.

But, it all comes back to my kids...they are going through a lot right now and I need to give them my all. I know myself. If I took on a project like that, I would be consumed by it. It would be a great distraction right now. But I need to keep my priorities straight. When the time is right, something will come along.

Group Interview

I honestly can't tell if the interview went well yesterday or not. I do think I probably looked OK because when I went to Kinkos to get my copies, the guy started flirting with me and gave me all my copies for free.

I haven't had anyone flirt with me for so long that when he said they're on me, I made a total idiot of myself and was like, What? What did you say?

I don't think he really wanted to advertise that he was giving away free copies, but he repeated, it's OK, they're on me. He gave me a huge smile, I blushed, said thank you and sort of stumbled away.

So I left a little flustered, but glad that someone had noticed me and been kind.

I couldn't sleep the night before and had been up at 3am so I felt out of sorts all day. I actually got lost going back to my moms condo to pick up my kids. When my first husband and I split up, I found myself constantly getting tickets, getting completely lost, running over nails, just random things. I haven't had a ticket once since then, but I remember at that time, it was so bad that they threatened to take away my license. Of course, being 23 doesn't help either...

In any case, I have not had an interview in 5 years, since I started at the current mortgage company I'm at. And a lot has changed in 5 years. For one thing, this was a group interview, and I was in with 2 other women and 2 interviewers. It often takes me a while to get to know people and feel comfortable around them. And I'm not a competitive person, so I'm not sure this was the best setting for me. Halfway through I looked up at the clock and wished to GOD it would end soon!

Either way, it was good practice for me to get an interview in and I really like the magazine and what they are trying to do. They have a great slogan - Happily Ever Now - and its all about promoting that its OK to be a single parent and you don't have to wait for your prince (or princess) to come to be happy.

Ah well, back to what's important...my son just walked in with total bed-head and threw his arms around me. I asked him, how come I love you so much? He started backing away, gave me a huge smile and answered, because of my butt!, giggling hysterically down the hall...

Talking Things Through

I had a really good talk with my husband last night.

He asked me again what we are going to do, and I told him I don't know.

He said it sounded like I was already done from the things I said.

We shifted back to talking to the kids. I told him that my father always came home at night. Even when he was dating.

He was married to a miserable woman for 17 years - and my husband knows that very well because we used to interact with her.

In any case, I told him, all those years, my dad still always came home and we always had dinner as a family. I think when I put it in those terms, he could understand it better.

In listening to him, it seems like he has justified not coming home in his mind because he thought that I had done something wrong.

I told him, even if I had, it doesn't matter. You don't just not come home. You have no idea what that does to someone - especially your kids.

Then I asked him, did your dad ever do that to you?

His face sort of faltered, like my words had really stung.

He hung his head, and said yes.

I told him I had carried both those children in my stomach for 9 months, and breast fed both of them for 2 years and taken care of every little aspect of their lives - and I wasn't going to let anyone hurt them like that.

He started to say that he was their father...

I interrupted and said, it's NOT the same. You didn't carry them. You don't feel the things I feel.

I told him, I know you had a raw deal with both of your parents, but you are 38-years-old now and things need to change.

Regardless of what happens between us, I want the kids to have a good father. And I want us to get back to being respectful and kind to each other. Because there will still always be a part of him that I love - he's the father of my children - and I see him in their little faces every day.

We talked for hours. I think it helped that we did it at our club. The kids have a play room upstairs so we were really able to talk without distractions. And, although there were a few times when we both got pretty frustrated, we also managed to hear each other and make it through the entire conversation.

Decisions

I really feel a lot of push and pull.

I feel conflicted about almost everything right now.

I didn't sleep much last night. Probably not helping me much this morning.

I am thinking about resigning from my job this morning. Some things have happened that I just don't feel are right.

I'm also just tired of spinning my wheels there.

On the other hand, I don't have another job, and the kids and I are already struggling financially.

But somehow I feel like it is time for me to go.

New Job?

Well, the answer to my question about leaving careers has been answered.

Last week, I had to give up half my commission to keep a loan going (their lock had expired). My clients didn’t even say thank you. I have been working on their loan since January.

Yesterday, a loan I have been working on for several months was declined at the very last minute. No good answer as to why. The market has just changed and they are really sticking on things that wouldn’t have mattered 6 months ago.

Today, another loan got declined after months of work. I have done 3 other loans for these people. Perfect credit, perfect income, perfect assets, they have equity….everything. The underwriter didn’t like the property.

Seems like I am just spinning my wheels. Since I am on commission income, if the loan doesn’t fund, I don’t get paid anything.

I have a job interview tomorrow. That is one good thing about my husband. He has been supportive there. When I told him about the job, he said I’d be great at it.

It’s at a magazine. I didn’t want to tell him what it was because it is a magazine for single parents. LOL, he guessed it though and we both started laughing hysterically.

He said something like, well, I guess that will be perfect for you now! And we both just kept laughing our heads off!

Every Little Thing

Last night, I pulled out my 4th Step workbook and worked through that for a while. I was pretty distraught yesterday, and I woke up feeling lighter.

That said, it only took a few hours and my husband called. I could feel all the life drain out of me.

I’m exhausted. I keep waking up earlier and earlier and maybe that’s good, because those early hours seem to be when I feel best and no one can get to me.

It seems like if I could get just a little break from my husband, I might feel better. I might be able to release some things.

But right now, with his incessant calling and texting, every little thing is driving me nuts.

I’m trying to bring some of the lightness back into my days. Spending time with the kids, reading, exercising – doing things that make me feel good.

It has become more challenging now because we have a lot of financial restrictions. But the kids and I have started to take picnics most days and they really love that.
I hate having to tell them we can’t afford things.

I feel like I’m ready for some big changes. I haven’t wanted to leave my job because this is all I’ve known for more than 10 years. But it seems like the time has come…