Sexuality

Today was my son's 7th birthday. Once again, it was ruined by my husband, with my son ending up in tears.

My husband decided to bring up a bunch of stuff at my son's birthday dinner about what he imagines my sexual life to be currently.

No thanks to my ex-friend (who is no more or less a "whore" than me), who took it upon herself to supply my soon-to-be-ex-husband with her version of reality.

I only wish I was having as much sex as everyone supposes. Literally, I can think of nothing better.

I am a sexual woman. I always have been. I do not have guilt or shame around that.

I never cheated on my husband while we were together. He did. At least 3 times that I know of, and I'm guessing much more.

But because I am a "woman" there is some bullshit double standard.

And I don't buy into that.

But I also don't think that it is appropriate for him to bring up what he "thinks" I have done - after our relationship is over - in front of our 3- and 7-year-old at our son's birthday dinner.

I have never told my son what my husband did with other women. Why would I??

It has nothing to do with him.

The only aim in that would be to hurt my son. And I would never do that.

Even if I were a "whore", I don't believe that would make me less of a person.

I absolutely do not believe that.

We as woman have intrinsic worth, above and beyond what society labels us. Jesus himself hung out with the prostitutes, which is something "Christians" seem to forget.

I remember as a young girl, my dad's second wife, in a fit of rage, told me that my mother was a whore. I burst into tears. I never got over it until I was in my late twenties. I realized, my mother was no whore. She is the best and kindest woman in the world. I was so sorry I had misjudged her, based on a vindictive and mean-hearted woman. Children are so innocent. God sees that and God makes his own marks.

There is nothing wrong with our sexuality. Nothing. God him/herself created it.

I will not let my son suffer. Perhaps this was a lesson he can learn now - and better for him to learn it now. Women are women. They are not whores or sluts or lesser than any man for having the same sexuality that a man is free to express without question or remark. Our sexuality does not determine who we are as a person.

I took my son aside, held him tight, and told him, YOU KNOW WHO I AM. NEVER FORGET THAT.

Later, my son told my daughter and I, "What daddy called you is something no one should call anyone."

He was right.


This is a poem I wrote when I was 19.

Whoring Lives

You left and suddenly,
you were fucking dad's employee
Wasn't quite appropriate for a Music Minister's wife
Mad, unstable mother -
we lived with dad
Visits were sneaking into a "no kids allowed" shit hole after your lover left you
hiding in the bathroom of a tiny studio inside a cabinet that was of course
empty.
That scrawny, bent-over manager tried to bribe you
with a little fix it all in the bathroom talk

we left.

There was an Albertson's dumpster out back
a new apartment for unwed mothers
digging out donuts bread cereal
you'd feed us Tuesday nights,
our nights.

Finally, your friend came back
pregnant mommy got married
"mommy moo moo"
but you were bigger than a cow,
then.

Years later, I heart your mother, a whore
and the weeping never stopped
2 men and a rape were too much
sleeping around for the pretend-to-be-wife
of a Minister of Music
who was really only a daughter
of an alcoholic and a whore.

Fidelity

I have been thinking a great deal about fidelity lately. I have been on all sides, so it an interesting question to me. I think the thing that is difficult for most people is not so much the sex, but the dishonesty that often accompanies it. I saw that the Dalai Lama was going to be on Larry King, so I taped it on my DVR. It was an interesting interview - but this is the part that stuck out to me.

Fidelity takes discipline. That's not hard because it's in your own best interest. All morals and values are in your own self-interest. Just like taking care of your own body.

-Dalai Lama to Larry King (in response to a question about Tiger Woods)

My first husband always says, if someone cheats on me, it is not hurting me so much as it is hurting the person who cheats. (rough translation of his Lebanese English.) But I've always thought that was very true.

Cheating

You don't expect to ever have to worry about AIDS or STD's when you get married. At least I didn't. Maybe I was naive. I've since heard statistics that 80% of men cheat and 65% of women do (which is likely under-reported).

However, I think I felt like my husband was still in the process of making amends to me and never would go there.

I remember a friend of mine who went through a very similar story to mine, with an alcoholic husband and 4 children. After getting through recovery with him, she then found out her husband was cheating on her. My husband said at the time he thought that was horrible.

I have known for some time that my husband cheated on my during our marriage. I thought it was only once and with one woman. I assumed he would have at least given me the courtesy of using a condom, but he did not.

I am done pretending that it wasn't as bad or that he did it while we were separated. I know that was not the case. I am done letting my husband think he has gotten away with something or trying to make him feel better about the situation.

One of the most humiliating experiences of my life was having to go in to my doctor and ask for an AIDS test. After asking me why and talking to him about the cocaine in the home, he asked me if my husband was sleeping with prostitutes. He suggested I get fully tested for everything. Luckily, nothing came up but, it scared the hell out of me. And I have yet to get even an acknowledgement from my husband, yet alone an apology.

It is just excuses, excuses, excuses.

Yesterday, my husband asked me when the last time I tried to make him feel good was. I gave him 2 recent examples. The first was when I tried to make him feel better about our daughter not wanting to go with him. The second was late last week when I made tostados. I know he likes them and I let him take all the leftovers, despite the fact that we barely have money for groceries right now.

He was not able to acknowledge either thing. I told him I have always been nice to him and done things to make him feel better, but he has taken me for granted.

I told him it never mattered how nice I was to you - you still ended up with your dick inside someone else - or multiple someone else's.

He started giving me excuses. He said I left him. That I had left him a long time ago.

I told him to stop lying. I told him I knew that he had done this during the time we were living together. He seems to forget that I found proof of a $500+ hotel bill. I told him that I knew the truth, and have always known it.

My husband seems to think that all his behaviors have some justification. But there is no justification for cheating on your wife with 3 women without condoms. He feels that I didn't take care of him. Even if that were true, it does not make it right.

I seem to remember his mother dying, and that was an excuse to stop drinking again. But I was there for him then. I ran out of the vet's office the second he called, mid-appointment and rushed out to be with him. I called his dad and said I was worried that this would cause him to relapse. I did everything in my power to make sure he had adequate support.

But in the end, it was his choice to drink again. It was his choice to be with other women. He never told me then that he felt neglected. It is only now, that everything is out that he tries to blame me for his actions.

And it's not going to fly. I will not take responsiblity for his actions. He needs to take responsiblity for himself. He can not blame me, he can not blame his parents, he can not blame his friends. He needs to look at himself.

I am done trying to make him feel better. If anyone should be making anyone else feel better it should be my husband, trying to fix the damage he has caused to me and our children.

What's the Point?

So, I finally said something to my husband about the other woman. We were discussing money and how there doesn't seem to be enough for us. I told him perhaps he should spend the money we do have on this family instead of lushes in bars.

Of course, he denied it.

He now says that my co-worker only told me this because he wants to "screw" me and that he's lying.

Um, what about the rumors about his indiscretions while I was pregnant with our son? What about the 3 confirmed women that I already know about.

And he wonders why I have no respect for him anymore.

Just tell the truth for once!

I told him I want a divorce.

He told me I was making a really bad decision based on bad information.

I told him I have 7+ years of information.

And now he keeps bugging me to "talk" about it. What's the point? What is there to talk about? Why would I continue to waste my time so he can give me the runaround and a bunch of bullshit answers.

I know what I know.

This made me laugh!

Today was a rough day, but this actually made me laugh, hard.

Wife Shames Cheating Husband During Rush Hour
Aug 27th 2009 By Emerald Catron

Burning shame combined with the August morning sun and about a gazillion highly amused stares was the punishment one man endured for cheating on his wife.

William Taylor of Centreville, Va., got caught getting a little action on the side when he forgot to remove the incriminating evidence from his cell phone.

After finding the proof, his wife doled out a rather interesting punishment -- she forced him to stand at one of the busiest intersections in the D.C. metropolitan area wearing a sandwich board telling everyone he's a cheater. Consider it a modern-day version of a scarlet letter -- humiliating, but less catastrophic than some scorned women's destructive revenge tactics.

"I thought she was kidding, but she was serious," Taylor said.
"I figured I got to do what I got to do to makes things right. So here I am."

His punishment is set to last all week. Each day when morning rush hour winds down, William gets a text from his wife, giving him permission to stop the public humiliation for the day, although repeat sightings of Taylor suggest this is at least a week-long punishment. Those daily texts will probably make him happier than all the ones he got from his mistress combined.

And here is something very interesting: The Poll - over 100,000 people responded.

Is this a fair punishment? Yes, the cheater deserves what he gets!
55% (61,221)
No, his punishment should be a lot worse than a little embarrassment.
33% (35543)
No, this is cruel and unusual punishment.
12% (13629)

Letter to an Adulterous Friend

I am writing as a friend to you and your family. I am in no position to judge you, as I cheated on my first husband. I wanted to write and share some insight from that experience as well as my current marriage because I care about you and about your family. I meant it last week when I said you are a great husband and father. I still believe that. I hope you do too.

I was unfulfilled and lonely in my marriage to H and I began an affair. I thought I did a pretty good of hiding it, but he knew, and eventually I did come clean. It was a huge relief for me - and probably for him to finally hear the truth after so many months of lies. I don't know that I have ever felt so rotten about myself. H was of course hurt and devastated, but he wanted to continue on in the marriage. I felt at the time that he could never really get over it and so I made the painful decision to divorce him.

I also thought I was in love. The reality of that situation faded pretty quickly. I treated H pretty poorly during that time in retrospect because I think I just wanted to get on with my own life. I thought I could just move on easily to the next thing and it would all be all right.

We were only married for 4 years and we did not have children or property or anything that would make a divorce particularly hard. In most ways I think we had the easiest divorce imaginable. I felt guilty so I didn't fight for anything. It was amicable and he was more than fair.

All was glib until the day came to sign the final papers. I thought I could just sign on my lunch break and quickly go back to work. H asked the attorney to leave the room. He got on his knees and began to sob and beg me to reconsider. It was the hardest and most painful moment of my life. I wanted to, but I still felt that we could never overcome my adultery.

We signed and I went home weeping. I didn't return to work for days, nearly a week. I could not stop crying, even though it was my decision and I had been thinking about it for over a year. I was not normal for a long time. I put on weight. I started drinking more. I acted like I was having fun, but inside I was miserable.

My love affair fell apart and the men I dated became worse and worse, culminating with the stalking case with A. My self-worth was so low I didn't believe I deserved anything better.

Meanwhile, H and I worked very hard to rebuild our relationship. He told me, no matter what, you are still the best person I have ever known. He told me he forgave me, even if I could not forgive myself. He was always there for me. He was at my stalking hearing and he was there the nights J was too drunk to come home when J was just a newborn and I could do nothing to soothe him. Throughout everything, he has been one of the best friends I could ever ask for, even after everything I put him through. He taught me so much about grace, and about love. Despite the divorce papers, there is nothing that can really separate you from someone you have made that vow to. He will always be with me, and I will always have that sorrow that we were not able to make things work. I blame myself for that mostly. There have been many times when I wished I had not divorced him.

Fast forward to today, and you probably know a lot of my situation with J. What I learned from before is that I will do anything and everything before I go through a divorce, especially now that I have children. J and I were separated for 9 months because of his drinking. Being a single parent is inhumane. There is nothing harder. I was never separated from my children and I can not imagine ever being separated from them. But J and H suffered so much from being separated from their dad. It was necessary for us, but they will always carry some of those scars. J has been in counseling for over a year. Even though J has been home since September, he still cries when his dad has to go out of town. There is nothing worse than seeing your children suffer. I only hope we can rebuild that love and trust back into our home. Its hard work, but we're doing it.

Yesterday I sat next to H and his wife at a memorial for one of our dear friends. I held hands with his wife and watched H cry. Even 10 years later, it was hard not to be the one to comfort him. We talked for a long time afterwards. I am grateful that he is still in my life, but I am still sad. After all this time, the sex and all the irritating things about him have faded. What remains are his kindness of heart, which is truly one of the most important things for an enduring relationship.

Our dear friend died - not much older than us - leaving 2 small kids behind. At the end of the day, it is our families and the kindness that we bring to our lives that really matter.

You have 10 beautiful years together, 2 gorgeous children, and a life most people would envy - a life I have envied many times over. You are free to make your own choices, we all are. Just please, think everything through. Give your marriage the chance it deserves. I know this is none of my business, but I wouldn't feel right if I didn't share some of my mistakes and regrets because you are a dear friend. And, I have been in your shoes, in many different ways.

I was there on your wedding day and I hope I will always remain a friend to your entire family. And I will be here for all of you during this difficult time.

My Letter to The Betty Ford Center

Dear Betty Ford Center,

My husband attended your center last summer for 90 days. I came down for both Family Week and the marriage retreat. I left with high hopes and great respect for your center. But all of that has been shattered in the last few days.

My husband left his BF workbook out and I made the mistake of leafing through it. He notated that he had UNPROTECTED SEX with 3 women while married to me. I had specifically asked him for his medical records while he was there, and he would not give them to me. Now I know why. I am very certain that your Center was aware of this and you must be fully aware of how dangerous unprotected sex is for people who are cocaine-addicts.

I am the mother of two young children. At your Center, you encouraged me to look at my part, and I have done that. But now I am outraged. I wasted more of my life on this addict, who also relapsed after leaving your center no-less. Had I known of his infidelities, I would have left him. Instead, your Center engaged in a cover-up which could have cost me my life.

I am thinking back to the culmination of the week, when the addicts are supposed to "come clean" and tell their partner everything. His assigned counselor actually sat in, along with 2 other counselors to make sure he said EVERYTHING. She said was satisfied with his answers. The other two counselors and the rest of the room looked over at her for her sign of approval. Afterwards, she even shook my hand. I spent the week with your counselors - a week of my life that now makes me sick. Because I feel not only betrayed by my husband, but also by your Center. And I thought you were "the good guys".

There was nothing said about the UNPROTECTED SEX he dictated in this book.

I am aware you are a center for addicts, but I ask you to consider what would happen to my children if something happened to me? Is their addict father going to take care of them? Who do you think takes care of these children? Certainly not him.

I wish your counselors would have told me the truth, even if my husband didn't have the balls to - because I could have moved on with my life at that point instead of wasting more time.

I also believe you can not reach or maintain sobriety without rigorous honesty. So in many ways, by allowing him to hide behind his lies, you also contributed to his relapse.

Make no mistake; my husband is still 100% responsible for his actions. But I think you need to strongly consider your approach at "Family Week" and look at YOUR PART in all of this.

Fuck Family Week

I am unable to sleep. I am angry at my husband and worried about what I am going to do with my life.

If it were just me, that would be one thing. But I have two young children and I need to minimize their pain as much as possible.

This isn't the life I had planned for either one of them.

In thinking about it, I have to also say that I am very disappointed in the Betty Ford Center.

My husband blamed not telling me on the 9th Step, which says something about not telling someone if it would do more harm than good to tell them.

But I told him he was manipulating that into his own BS to make it work for him.

I specifically asked him for his full medical records from there for months to check for this very thing. He evaded me, and gave excuses and everything else and this is why. That was on there.

Everything was written in a Betty Ford workbook that they went over with him. His counselor and the other counselors had to have known. I spent a week with them there.

Unprotected sex with 3 women who were also likely coke-addicts put my life at risk. And they should have told me if he didn't.

I'm thinking back to the culmination of the week, when the addicts are supposed to "come clean" and tell everything to their partner. Their assigned counselor actually sat in, along with 2 other counselors to make sure they say EVERYTHING.

There was nothing said about the UNPROTECTED SEX he dictated in this book.

And there I sat with him and all his buddies in group and at various dinners and no one said ANYTHING to me.

I seriously hate addicts and their little cover-up clubs. I suppose since they are all in the same boat, they have no problem with covering up anything for anyone else. Can't be worse than anything else they did themselves.

So there I was at the Betty Ford Center, wasting a full week on "Family week", which should really be called "FUCK-Family week" and flew down for another marriage counseling workshop. And they all just encouraged me to "look at my part". Which is great, but I have already done that. Maybe addicts should look at THEIR part for once and say "I Fucked up." Maybe they should look at their lives and say, yeah, my parents screwed me over big time, but I don't have to screw everyone else over. Maybe Rehab clinics should protect some of these family members instead of the ADDICTS WHO PAY THEM - so that we all don't end up dying from HIV or HepC, or in cars our addicts are driving when we don't know they are completely out of their minds....

I left there was such gratitude for that center, but now I hate it. I wish they would have told me the truth, even if my husband didn't have the balls to - because I could have moved on with my life at that point instead of wasting more time.

The Miserable Cunt

My husband left out his Betty Ford workbook and I came across it this afternoon. I actually had seen it hidden away in a drawer in the garage several months ago but didn't really look through it.

It seemed odd to me that it was out. Almost like he left it there. When I asked him about it later, he said he had taken it out to take it with him to the condo. There are multiple places he could have left the book. The condo for one, or the box he keeps at the bank that he doesn't know I know about. But it seemed to me like it was there for a reason.

In any case, I read through it.

I have always thought my husband has had affairs. But I have never been able to prove it.

I have asked him about it point blank numerous times. But he always denied it to the hilt.

And I'm a pretty liberal person in this regard. What bothers me is the lies.

I think you always know in your heart when someone is unfaithful to you.

My husband has always denied any infidelity. He acted like I am completely crazy for even thinking it.

Even when he has stayed out all night.

Even when I have found condoms.

But what I have found tonight confirms it.

In a lot of ways, I am just relieved to finally know the truth. There is something very liberating about that.

But in another I am very angry that he lied about it and did not tell me sooner.

I was ready to file for divorce 2 years ago. I went to see an attorney then and was ready to file. Had I known, I would have made different choices. And I wasn't in this financial mess then. I could have walked away and been done and today would be completely different for me.

It's not just the infidelity. It is the lies. It is everything else. And there were 3 women. He had unprotected sex with 3 women.

And I know specifically who one of them is. She is not someone anyone wants their husband sleeping with.

It's funny because she was always the one I had suspected before. He had told me when she started using cocaine again and I was suspicious as to why he started talking to her again. He said he was trying to help her get sober, but that didn't ring true to me.

Someone else had also told me he was with her when I was pregnant with our son. It was my ex-lover V, who later ended up killing himself. And I remember so specifically the last time I talked to him on the phone...him telling me, and his intonation when he said, "I can't believe you left me, and are now with that guy." It was pure disgust in his voice. He just couldn't understand it.

I have thought about that last sentence so much over the years. Especially when V killed himself. And I know now why J never made it to his funeral. It was too much for him. It was almost too much for me.

I thought about just holding onto everything and not letting him know I knew, but I couldn't. He called about half an hour after I read everything.

So I told him I had read it. And that I knew. And I also told him I had read all the parts about him driving drunk with his family and kids in the car and putting us all at risk that way.

And instead of taking responsibility or saying he was sorry, he called me a miserable cunt.