Get over it...

Now I'm getting pissed.

After everything that my husband has put me and my kids through these last 7 years, he thinks he is entitled to harass me. He thinks I should feel bad. He thinks that it's my fault. Everything is always my fault.

His Felony conviction. His having to do community service. His lashing out at me yesterday. His relapse. His having to live somewhere else. Everything is always my fault.

And I just wonder when he will grow up, be a man, and leave it alone.

We are separated. And we are separated because of his actions.

All day long he has been calling and texting me. And I'm fucking tired of it. I'm not the one who fucked up here. I'm tired of hearing how hard this is for him.

The last seven years have been hard for me. All of them.

So, as he has repeatedly told me, GET OVER IT!!!!

Getting Nasty

Things seem to be taking a nasty turn with my husband. I feel really worn out physically and emotionally. My mom took the kids so I could sleep this morning and he kept calling and texting me. He's becoming very demanding and making a lot of accusations.

I keep telling him that he needs to do what the AA leader told him to do and start keeping his word to me. He just doesn't seem to get that. He thinks if he just keeps pushing me harder and harder, I will just give in. And we are not at that point. I don't know that that would work for anyone, at any point.

I told him this morning that I felt like he had a stronghold around my neck. He took offense to that and said he was just going to let me go. I reminded him that he was acting like his dad, and he should know how that feels. It doesn't feel good. It feels so constricting.

I told him I need some space this weekend. My mom is going to keep the kids a bit longer and let me breathe. I just feel so tired.

I don't know how we got to this place where we are just so terrible to each other. I thought a separation would help, but it just seems like things are worse.

Taurus Bull

We spent a lot of the day yesterday with my husband. One thing about a separation, is you're supposed to be separate!

It was only supposed to be a movie and lunch. The kids have been wanting to see Up. But my daughter decided she didn't want to watch it as soon as we got into the theatre, so I took her home.

The boys came back with a nice bouquet of flowers for me.

My husband did some things that have been needing to be done in the garage. All in all, it went well, but by dinner time I was really ready for him to leave.

My daughter started acting up and he tried to discipline her but she wouldn't listen to him. Then he got angry and demanded that I do something with her. I really didn't think she had done anything wrong, so we were back in the irritation phase that both of us get into with each other around the kids.

Well, let me back peddle. She was running with some dull scissors. Not ideal, but all that needed to be done was to ask her to give them back or gently remove them from her hands. Instead, my husband started yelling and getting all upset that she was going to "hurt" herself with them. Possibly so, but knowing my daughter, that's the wrong approach. She's a very feisty girl. And most of the time, if you don't make a big deal of something, she will just back right down. But when my husband comes on so strong with her, she becomes adamant and will NOT do anything.

So he got mad that she told him no, and I didn't agree with him yelling at her because it seemed like it was a lot more about his need for control than her actually starting out doing something wrong. So she ended up on my lap crying and he was mad she wasn't standing in the corner.

He stomped up the stairs and I stayed with my daughter, who didn't really care about the scissors. She's 3. I don't know how those two will survive each other. They are both Taurus signs, and their birthdays are a day apart. From the start, they have rubbed each other the wrong way.

I know addicts have arrested development, which would put him somewhere in his teen years in terms of where he is emotionally, but he is still the adult. And I am often irritated that he doesn't act more like one.

I started making dinner early because I was tired and wanted to get to bed as soon as possible. He came in when it was almost done and asked if he was joining us for dinner.

I said, looks like you're here, doesn't it?

He got upset with my tone and told me I wasn't very gracious to him. I don't know how much more gracious I could be.

In any case, he finally left around 6 and we went to bed very early.

It was nice to have him take the garbage cans out for trash day, wash the dishes, and do some other things around the house. Sometimes doing IT ALL every day becomes completely exhausting.

He mentioned wanting to come home numerous times during the day. I told him I didn't see that happening. He says he misses us,but he still has that very negative energy, even when he's trying to be nice. I just don't want to live that way. I also told him I didn't want to wonder when and if he was coming home.

Getting Even

It seems like my husband and I aren’t able to get along anymore even while separated. I am angry that he is not keeping his word regarding our financial commitments. The stress of that, keeping a job and a house up and taking care of two children 24-hours a day who are in a more fragile emotional state is a lot to manage – even without having to deal with him.

Yesterday, I was trying to get the house cleaned up before we had company over for dinner. I had a million things to do. I was worried he would not show up for my son’s play because of past experience. I had also texted him several times in the morning and I had not heard back from him.

Then when he does finally feel like calling, he wants me to drop everything and visit with him. I told him I was busy. He didn’t like my tone with him, so he hung up the phone on me. I was outraged. He sent me a text after and said, “Now we’re even.”

Even?

We will never be even.

The fact that you could even say that is laughable.

Maybe if I went to rehab for 150 days and still pulled the same shit.

Maybe if I didn't come home all night – night after night.

Maybe if shit and peed all over you and just expected you to forgive me again and again and again.

Maybe if I no-showed for your grandfather's funeral.

Maybe if I no-showed to any one of our kids events.

But the fact is that I am there. I am here. I have never missed anything. I am the one who does absolutely everything.

And you're right. Marriage counseling is a waste of time. I do hate you. How could I not?