Children Model Your Behavior

I was very curious to watch Mackenzie Phillips on Oprah. I have mentioned here that I always DVR her show and watch it later. This show was of particular interest to me because of her family's drug history.

What I took away from it was something I have always thought. CHILDREN MODEL YOUR BEHAVIOR. When you have your children roll your joints for you, what else can they possibly become except drug addicts? When your kids try your cocaine that you leave out in a bowl when they are 11-years-old and you teach your kids how to shoot up at 16, what else can you expect?

I have very similar frustrations with my husband's family, except that his family seems to be surprised by his addiction. In Ms. Phillips case, they seem to be proud of it.

My husband was given beer by his father as a child, and then, surprise, surprise, he became an alcoholic. His mother used to buy him beer as a teenager. The unhealthy behaviors they both modeled are the same behaviors that I now have to deal with.

I have a real problem with all of this. A real problem. Because his addictions have cause me and my children some real grief and there has been no attempt on any of their part to heal any of that.

You don't give children drugs or alcohol. That is also breeding ground for sexual abuse of all kinds to occur.

What surprises me, is their surprise (and anger) at why I don't want my kids around them when they have made no attempts to make any sort of changes. I have told my husband for years if his father wants to see the kids, he needs to get counseling. Has he done it? NO! But 3 times this week, I have been asked about him seeing the kids.

What the hell is that about?

My kids are precious. I am not letting them around just anyone. I did not bring them into this world to be broken by people who have an obvious disregard for life.

Addiction is generational, in my opinion, because no one steps forward to break the cycle. No one says, this is not acceptable.

I was very proud of Ms. Phillips for stepping forward and telling her story. It took courage. I just hope she stays sober. But somehow, this time, I think she will - because she has finally told her truth.

Get off my Ass!!!

I tape Oprah every day on my DVR. I don't have much time for TV, but if it's a good show, I watch it - and most of her shows are good. Yesterday she had Dr. Phil on. I'm not a huge fan, but I'm sick, so I watched it anyway. He's a little too abrasive for me. (Ironically, my in-laws LOVE him!) But the show was worth it for this one quote - which I thought was great!

"You know what I wish every abused person in America would do? I wish they would stand up and say if you had a bad childhood, get over it. If you need therapy find it. But get off my ass!"

Dr Phil

I Didn't Know My Own Strength

I loved the Whitney Houston interview with Oprah that has aired over the last 2 days. I grew up listening to her and I have often wondered how she lost her way. I thought it was a beautiful and illuminating interview - and I loved the song she sang at the end.

Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out of the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break


I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiUoIDQOcC8

Loving Madea

I saw Tyler Perry on the Oprah show about 6 months ago and was very impressed...but then I sort of forgot about renting his movies. A friend recommended the Madea movies to me and I am so grateful to have found them.

First of all, they are just hysterically funny and real. But I have never laughed so hard and then cried so hard, back and forth, throughout an entire movie.

The laughing part has been so good for me. It's been a great release with everything else that has been going on.

But I also have to say that I just LOVE Madea's character. She is such a strong woman and I have been so inspired by her to stop putting up with all my husband's bullshit.

My kids have even caught on and just love watching Madea in action.

They stayed up and watched the last movie (Madea's Family Reunion) with me and just laughed hysterically when Madea shows her granddaughters what to do about a man that beats his wife.

Cook a big pot of grits, bring him into the kitchen, then toss the grits on him. Then after you toss them, swat him with a frying pan. You gotta get you a good balanced weight, toss and swat, toss and swat, Venus and Serena, that's called grit ball.

We all laughed our heads off.

But she also said something that was so profound - and I wish I had the right words here to quote. (I tried to google them unsuccessfully and I already returned the movie). The words go something like this.

You can't help a woman that doesn't want to be helped. When a woman is tired of being abused, she will get out on her own.

Those words have been in my head for days now.

Thank you Madea!

Wisdom from Anaïs Nin

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. -Anaïs Nin

Everything is starting to make more sense to me now. I have always had family as my number one priority. For my in-laws, it is money. That explains the disconnect. It seems so obvious now.

I could never understand why they put more value on me bringing in a paycheck than raising our kids. For me, your kids are only young once. You have to spend that time ensuring that they are well taken care of.

I remember once I told the fourth wife a quote I had heard from Dr. James Dobson about how a children’s personality and entire being is shaped by the time they are 5-years-old. She strongly disagreed with me. Oprah reiterated that a couple months back on her show and I found myself hoping my in-laws were watching. (They often watch Oprah and Dr. Phil together.)

I feel that the best thing you can do for your children is to have one parent stay home and nurture them. I have always felt that was extremely important. And I told my husband I was willing to do with less to make that happen.

I could see my worth going down in his eyes as I began to bring home less money. The way he drilled me about when I was going to have a check again.

My husband always gets irritated with me when I talk about my passionate views on literature, politics, the war… I could never understand why he didn’t like to discuss these things with me. I see now that he has never been interested in me or my opinions. I was just supposed to be someone pretty to smile and stroke his ego.

I tried so hard to push a family on my in-laws.

I remember my first Mother's Day, about a month after my son was born, I had a special function for everyone at my house. I had included the fourth wife and had a gift there for her, as well as food prepared for both of them. They didn't show up. They didn't call. I was so offended.

It turned out they had wanted to play golf instead. Since they play golf at least 3 times a week, I don't know why that was so critical. They could have at least let us know they weren't coming. I was working 60+ hours a week and taking care of a newborn, but I still managed to pull this event together.

I remember once at my in-laws house in the desert, she started talking about a certain country club down there and I mentioned that my uncle was a member there. The fourth wife narrowed her eyes at me coldly, and said, “What uncle?” in a tone that could only be recognized as – who the hell in your family could ever belong to any country club?

I felt my face get hot with a blush as I explained which uncle it was and rambled on about how he was also a member at our club at home.

The thought of the scene now makes me angry again.

I have never felt like any less of a person because I did not share their wealth. And I have always felt very proud of my family. Because we are a family. We support each other. We love each other. And all the money in the world can not buy that.

I have been trying to interpret my husband’s family as I see the world, and not as they are. And it has been killing me for 7 years.