As If!

Today is Father's Day but it is, once again, not a happy day because of my ex. Yesterday, I spoke to my kids in the early afternoon, while they were on a weekend visitation with their dad. They were at the swimming pool at my EX-father-in-law's country club. They were in the pool, so their dad said they would call me back. They never did.

I started trying to call them to say goodnight but no one was answering the phone. I texted several times and finally felt frantic. By 9:30, I texted my ex-father-in-law,who did not respond. My son finally called me at 9:45 on Skype. Their dad had left them with someone they did not know and had never met so he could go to a party.

Per our divorce decree, I have the right of first refusal if he wants to forgo his parenting time. He never told me he was going out. He never told me he planned to leave the kids with someone I did not know, which would NEVER have been acceptable. I have never left the kids with a stranger. The kids have had very few babysitters and I specifically told my ex on Friday that if he wanted to hire someone, I needed to meet her and she needed a background check.

When I spoke to the babysitter at 10pm, both the kids were still wide awake. She advised me that their dad had told her that it did not matter when they went to bed because it was "summer". I explained that it was not acceptable to me for the kids to be there alone with someone who I did not know and had never even met and that I was coming to get my kids. Everything fell apart from there with my ex calling me non-stop and ultimately coming back to the house after I told him I had texted his father.

When I got to the house, he was there with his girlfriend, who he says is not is girlfriend, but who clearly believes she is. I took the kids home with me and we all went to bed. I did not sleep.

I can't believe we are still in this same damn place. I can't believe that everything has to be this hard. I can't believe he can't understand where I am coming from.

As if I had nothing better to do than rent a zip car at 10pm at night, walk a mile to get it, drive out to his house and get my kids so he could yell at me and call me crazy. As if I have no reason to doubt his parenting abilities.

As if he did not bring cocaine into our home and leave it right out where our daughter could get it. As if he has not been to rehab a million times already. As if he didn't start right back up again after 90 days at Betty Ford. As if he wasn't driving around drunk with us all in the car and lying about it. As if he has not always hidden it when he was drinking. As if I ever had any reason in the world to believe ONE word out of his mouth. As if I haven't already been seeing signs of his drinking again for months and months. As if I haven't already emailed my EX-father-in-law about it only to be ignored again. As if he actually looks like a healthy, sober man. As if his face was not bloated up like a balloon, again. As if his hands were not dried out to the point of bleeding. As if all the evidence was not there already in the pictures that have been my sanity all along. As if he did not look like a completely different man than the man I married.

And now after a sleepless night, my EX-father-in-law has the nerve to text me saying that I am "emotionally damaging" my kids? As if he had ever been a father to his son? As if he even knew the extent of the emotional damage that he himself has done to this family over and over and over again. As if he has the right or authority to open his damned mouth about anything?

My EX-Father-In-Law told me, to "mind your own business" - AS IF either he or my ex-husband had held either of these children in their wombs for 9 months, birthed them or breast fed them for 2 years.

AS IF he has ever taken care of them. AS IF he had ever helped with anything. AS IF he even knows what minding his own business means. AS IF my own kids are not MY OWN BUSINESS. As if I want to give up my own Father's Day plans with my dad, who has been a DAD, to deal with all of this, again?

Despite Bad Teachers...

This has been an awful school year for us because my daughter had an awful teacher. The school refused to change her class and looking back, I should have pulled her out. Some people are so low, they need to feed off 5-year-olds. Some people have nothing better to do than read recovery blogs and pick at the single-mothers who write them. However, as we cross the finish line, despite tears and frustration and anger, what remains is my daughter's strength. And what I have realized, and perhaps known all along, is that NO ONE could take that from her. And while I worried about what would happen to her in this class, I also knew that there was always another caring adult there, and, more importantly, I also knew that she would make it despite this woman. And that her strength is what her teacher hated and envied in her. So today, I celebrate my daughter. She has more possession of her-self than her "teacher" will ever have. And perhaps, this year, she was there to teach the lessons.

I am here and not broken

" We can not change the past but we can rebuild our lives with an astounding work of art that screams "I am here and not broken" because I focus on the beauty that life reveals and inherent joy that waits in each human behind every beautiful scar. Without our scars, we know no smooth surface. This is the carving out of our soul-stones for lifetimes to come." ~Hollie Allen

Roots & Wings

"Children need two things: roots and wings." -Chinese Proverb

Threat & Punishment

“Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree that stands by itself.” -Pueblo Verse

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." ~Maya Angelou "Neon Nemesis" by Elisabeth Slettnes

Orgasmic Birth

I just watched the Orgasmic Birth movie. It was beyond moving for me. It brought up many things that I have not dealt with yet. I felt grief at seeing women actually supported , comforted and loved – even to the point of having multiple orgasms. Mostly I feel grief that I was so out of touch with myself during both my births. While I had my son without drugs, it was primarily by accident because my labor was so early and short. I immediately regretted getting an epidural with my daughter. That and circumcising my son remain my two greatest regrets in life. My frustration with Al-Anon remains and even grows. The only solution for co-dependents, in my opinion, is to leave the unhealthy relationship and find your-self again. I never would be healthy, happy and whole had I stayed with my ex-husband. I am certain of that. Al-Anon is a recycling of pain. I am grief-struck that I missed the healing birthing experience with both my children. I also know now how important that experience would have been for them, especially given the circumstances of their early lives of living with a father with multiple addictions. We do the best we can with what we know at the time, but I feel anger towards a medical system that perpetuates unnatural birth and a society that tells us to “stand by our man.” My hope is my daughter will do it different.