The Absense of the Mother

"There were no religious images in the churches or synagogues of our childhood that celebrated the birthing powers of women. According to religion's myths, the world was brought into being by a male God, and woman was created from man. This reversal of biological process went unchallenged. Most of us didn't even notice the absence of the mother. Although we may not have been consciously aware of her absence in bible stories and sermons, her absence was absorbed into our being. And its painful influence was intensified as we observed the design of our parents' relationship and the treatment of our mothers by our fathers and brothers. Our families mirrored the hierarchical reality of the heavens. In a society that worships a male God, the father's life is more valuable than the mother's. The activities of a man's life are more vital and necessary than the mother's intimate connections with the origins of life. The father is God."

- Patricia Lynn Reilly, Be Full of Yourself pp 69-70

Riches

I don't think there is such a thing as
An intelligent mega-rich
person.

For who with a fine mind can look
Out upon this world and
Hoard

What can nourish
A thousand
Souls.

-Kabir

"The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages. " ~ Virginia Woolf

Letter to My Ex

We have danced this dance enough now for me to know when you are not sober.

Your inability to keep your word or be honest even with simple things is always the first clue. Your son has been trying to call you for several days with no return call. Your voicemail is full and you are not responding to me either anymore. This is not a sign of someone who is managing his life or sobriety.

Things have gone increasingly downhill over the last month or so with you. Verbal abuse, extreme lateness and missing parenting time are all additional signs of your relapse.

This is notice that we are back to the 90-day sobriety clause in our divorce decree. I will be enforcing it.

It is disappointing that I can not count on you to be honest with me even on this count, when your children's safety is at risk. You say you love your kids but you have no idea what real love is.

You need to be paying child support based on the actual time you are spending with the children, which has never been 25%. Based on my detailed records for the last 2-3 years, it has actually been somewhere between 0-6.33%.

I also took less support based on you paying the kids tuition. You have been jerking both schools along for the entire school year and now are behind more than $8,000.

There has been an unfair burden placed on me since the very beginning of our relationship, which has increased since you relapsed over 4 years ago. I want you to know that this has also affected your children in so many ways. The fact that you refuse to pay for their counseling after all the pain you have caused all three of us is sickening to me. Especially when you taunt me constantly with "Get help!" and other verbal abuse such as calling me a "whore" or a "slut". The only "help" any of us ever needed was in direct response to the abuse we suffered at your hands.

Your half of the counseling needs to be paid for, along with their educational expenses. You should be paying for ALL counseling expenses in my opinion.

I made the personal sacrifice to stay home with the kids and take less in support payments because I believe in education as a way out of this dysfunctional mess you and your family have created. You owe them this much. You owe us all so much. I don't have hopes for that any more, but I will hold you to your word. I am not willing to take one penny less than the inadequate amount you already agreed to.

I know you and your family don't value me as a mother or even a human being but I will say this. Despite the financial hardships, I will never regret staying home and raising my children. These are the children that we created and they deserve love, care and stability. I have had to be 2 parents pretty much since they were both born. I have had to cover the gap of all your inadequacies as a father. This has been both exhausting and maddening.

I expect payment for the back dental and medical expenses you owe me as well as your late support. I will be filing with the State for both and have everything deducted directly from your check from here on out.

The fact that you have been spying on me electronically and otherwise is troubling as well, and I will apply for protection from the state if it does not stop immediately.

You can get weekly drug and alcohol tests for 90 days to prove your sobriety. Obviously your word is no longer sufficient proof. Until then, you can arrange for supervised visits with the children as we have done in the past.

Fed Up

My ex is very late again with his support payments etc. I'm very sick of dealing with him.

To make matters worse, it appears that he has also been spying on me for some months. I suspected this in my previous relationship as well. It's a very sickening feeling to know he has gone through my personal photos between me and my lover. Who does that? He says he's worried about his kids. Wow. I told him that I have never put my kids at risk for anything - and HE HAS - so he should look at himself.

All the while, he's been bringing my kids around some floozy named "Boo" with her two kids - at the same time he's been giving me shit about introducing my kids to someone next month to someone I have been getting to know for 4 months. He's such a hypocrite.

It's frustrating to me that someone that completely fucked-up my life both financially, personally and just about every way you could possibly think of, now feels entitled to butt in and give his opinion on things he has dug up on my personal email and Facebook.

I am beyond livid and frustrated. It's obvious to me he is using again, because he is completely unreliable, once again.

I don't have any great hopes with the legal system, but it looks like I will have to file for direct support payments as well as possibly getting a restraining order. I should have done it when he physically attacked me a few summers ago. If nothing else, what I want to say in this post is, don't ever feel sorry for the addict in your life. Do what is in your own best interest and that of your kids. I regret that I did not testify against him. He should be in prison. At least then, he would be sober and not messing with my life and the kids emotions.

He's a train wreck waiting to happen. I hope he just doesn't crash with my kids.

I'm sick of forgiveness. What for? He does the same things every time. What's the point? Same with his dad. I don't want to have anything to do with either one of them. They are both dirtbags who only care about themselves. '

And, I just love that my ex is "paying back" his dad who has millions of dollars that he's just sitting one instead of taking care of his own kids, who have nothing.

Deeper Wisdom

Women within the 12 Step community experiment with the image of ”Deeper Wisdom”.

The use of “Deeper” acknowledges that our journey is one of descent. We turn inward—
instead of looking to higher powers outside of our lives for salvation, we journey “home” to ourselves. Instead of ascending to enlightened states of being that involve the denial of the self, we look deep within to reclaim forgotten aspects of ourselves.

The use of ’Wisdom’ acknowledges that in our descent, we rediscover the original Wisdom that orchestrated our movements from crawling to walking to running, our sounds from garbles to words to sentences, and our knowing of the world through our amazing senses.

We rediscover our shape-spinning center, pulsating through us in harmony with our unique interests and talents, and essence and purpose.

Inspired by “Deeper Wisdom,” women are personalizing the 12 Steps based on their own
beliefs. Step 2 as written states: “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.” Here are some the ways women are rewriting this step to harmonize with the “god” of their understanding:

• I have come to believe in Deeper Wisdom reaches beneath the changing nature of life. I believe that my life is unfolding according to its own trustworthy design. I am restored to trust.

• I have come to trust that Deeper Wisdom has been faithful to me since childhood. I have always found a way to thrive in life. I have made a choice to live that is deep and abiding. I say it’s fragile, but I’m seeing how tenacious it truly is.

• I have come to believe that Deeper Wisdom resides within me, reaching beneath my
wounding and ineffective behaviors. Deeper Wisdom restores me to my original power:
I no longer defer to men. It restores me to my original connection: I celebrate women. It restores me to my original goodness: I embrace the rich resources within me.

- Patricia Lynn Reilly

Troublemakers

Since no one really knows anything about God
Those who think they do are just
Troublemakers.

Rabia of Basra (717-801 AD)

All are forgiven-moreover, dears,
No one has ever been
Guilty.

- Kabir

LOVE

Love makes bitter things sweet.
Love turns copper to gold.
With love dregs settle into clarity.
With love suffering ceases.
Love brings the dead back to life.
Love transforms the King into a slave.
Love is the consummation of Gnosis.
How could a fool sit on such a throne?

Visit the sick, and you will heal yourself.
The ill person may be a Sufi master,
And your kindness will be repaid in wisdom.
Even if the sick person is your enemy,
You will still benefit,
For kindness has the power to transform
Sworn enemies into firm friends.
And if there is no healing of bad feeling,
There certainly will be less ill will,
Because kindness is the greatest of all balms.

The book of Sufi wisdom
Is not written on the blank page,
But on a heart white as virgin snow.
Scholars pursue penmarks.
Sufis track footprints in the snow,
Like hunters tracing a musk – deer’s trail,
Until they breathe in the sweet scent
That the deer exudes from its navel,
And rush to catch their quarry.

- Rumi

Substituting "Great Men" for Ourselves

"To step outside of patriarchal thought means...overcoming the deep-seated resistance within ourselves toward accepting ourselves and our knowledge as valid. It means getting rid of the great men in our heads and substituting them for ourselves, our sisters, our anonymous foremothers."

- Gerda Lerner, The Creation of Patriarchy

IF YOU COME SOFTLY

If you come as softly
As the wind within the trees
You may hear what I hear
See what sorrow sees.

If you come as lightly
As threading dew
I will take you gladly
Nor ask more of you.

You may sit beside me
Silent as a breath
Only those who stay dead
Shall remember death.

And if you come I will be silent
Nor speak harsh words to you.
I will not ask you why now.
Or how, or what you do.

We shall sit here, softly
Beneath two different years
And the rich between us
Shall drink our tears.

-Audre Lorde

Beliefs

Some beliefs are like walled gardens. They encourage exclusiveness, and the feeling of being especially privileged. Other beliefs are expansive and lead the way into wider and deeper sympathies. Some beliefs are divisive, separating the saved from the unsaved, friends from enemies. Other beliefs are bonds in a world community, where differences beautify the pattern. - Sylvia Fahs

God as a Woman in Labor

“For a long time I have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant. I will lead the blind by ways they have not know, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42: 14,16

Women

God has
A special interest in women
For they can lift this world to their breast
And help Him
Comfort.

-Mirabai

Mirror

You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right.

What's the point of bringing gold to the gold mine, or water to the Ocean.
Everything I came up with was like taking spices to the Orient.

It's no good giving my heart and my soul because you already have these.

So- I've brought you a mirror.
Look at yourself and remember me.


- Jalaluddin Rumi, Essential Rumi, Coleman Barks, pg141

Interesting Thought on War

"There seems to me to be a chilling parallel between the ability of men to detach emotionally from their penises and their sexuality and to detach from the consequences of killing people. Dropping bombs and shooting people seemed like one step away from anonymous sex." - Charlotte Davis Kasl

Our Deepest Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-by Marianne Williamson

Cherish Myself

I know how it will be when I die,
My beauty will be so extraordinary that God will worship me.
He will not worship me from a distance, for our minds will have wed,
Our souls will have flowed into each other
How to say this: god and I
Will forever cherish
Myself.

- Rabia of Basra (717-801 AD)

For our daughters, and ourselves

Spirit-Filled One,
Your Grandma is God and so are your favorite star and rock.
God has many names and many faces.
God is Mother, Daughter, and Wise Old Crone.
She is found in your mothers, in your daughters, and in you.
God is the God of Sarah, and Hagar, of Leah and Rachel.
She is Mother of all Living, and blessed are Her daughters.
You are girl-woman made in Her image.
You can run fast, play hard, and climb trees.
You are Batwoman, firewoman, and Goddess.
The spirit of the universe pulsates through you.
Be full of yourself. You are good. You are very good.

-Patricia Lynn Reilly

After a While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much

so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

Compassion

"If we find ourselves unworkable and give up on ourselves, then we'll find others unworkable and give up on them. What we hate in ourselves, we'll hate in others. To the degree that we have compassion for ourselves, we will also have compassion for others. Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don't even want to look at. Compassion isn't some kind of self-improvement project or ideal that we're trying to live up to."

-Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart p 104