I have been thinking a lot about recovery lately and I think the 2 things that have helped me the most are feminism and volunteering. Al-Anon is a good starting place, but I don't believe it finishes the job - especially for women.
The volunteering is probably an obvious thing. When you help others, you forget about your own problems. But there were many years where I was so enmeshed in my own life that I didn't even consider volunteering. I wish I had done this earlier. It would have taken me out of my own head. It also would have put me in touch with more positive-minded people instead of isolating myself.
In terms of feminism, I started Women's Studies in college and it was eye-opening. I think that was one of the biggest periods of growth in my life. But as life progressed and I went on to get my MBA and marriages, somehow most of that went by the wayside. I stopped reading and being involved with the Women's Movement for the most part.
I think feminism is so important because we are not socialized as girls to see our worth.
It is especially important for those of us who are, become or were co-dependents because feminism is one of the only things that can truly empower us as women.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Daughters
"I have such a strong connection with my daughter. She reminds me of the girl child I once was. She is perfect. I look at her and I don't see any flaws. Everything I celebrate in her reminds me of my true nature. As I parent her in the way I wish I had been parented, the child in me is healed."
-Erin Louise Stewart
-Erin Louise Stewart
AWOL
I rear ended someone yesterday with both my kids in the car on the way to school. Luckily, he was a very kind man. He was more worried about how my kids were doing than the damage I did to his car. For all my complaining about my enormous Suburban, that car is a tank. There was very little damage to my car whatsoever. His, on the other hand, looked pretty bad.
It turned out that the man was a Muslim from Jordan, so we had a nice visit in the midst of everything.
The kids and I were all pretty shaken up. They hadn't been in any sort of accident with me - and I haven't been in an accident for probably 15 years. So much for my perfect driving record!
But at least I have insurance and it shouldn't be a major deal.
I tried to get ahold of my husband afterward and couldn't reach him most of the day. I started to panic. As the day wore on and I didn't hear back from my texts, emails and phone calls, I imagined that he must be in jail or dead. I started swirling around in my head.
Luckily I had lunch with a great old friend and she kept me grounded. After that, I started swirling again on the way to meet my sister. I almost called my father-in-law several times, but stopped myself. There is nothing he can help me with.
I asked my sister anyway whether she thought I should call my father-in-law and she practically laughed and shouted NO!!! No contact with him ever!!!
She is right. But there are situations like that where I feel so desperate I would do almost anything. It made me realize that I still have a lot of healing to do around this. If I ever am to get in another relationship (which seems doubtful at this point!) I am going to have to deal with this. Even for my own sake and that of my children when they are grown - it is just too hard to go down that road. And, I have been here enough times I should know that. But when my husband is AWOL, even now, my mind goes to the worst possible place.
It turned out that the man was a Muslim from Jordan, so we had a nice visit in the midst of everything.
The kids and I were all pretty shaken up. They hadn't been in any sort of accident with me - and I haven't been in an accident for probably 15 years. So much for my perfect driving record!
But at least I have insurance and it shouldn't be a major deal.
I tried to get ahold of my husband afterward and couldn't reach him most of the day. I started to panic. As the day wore on and I didn't hear back from my texts, emails and phone calls, I imagined that he must be in jail or dead. I started swirling around in my head.
Luckily I had lunch with a great old friend and she kept me grounded. After that, I started swirling again on the way to meet my sister. I almost called my father-in-law several times, but stopped myself. There is nothing he can help me with.
I asked my sister anyway whether she thought I should call my father-in-law and she practically laughed and shouted NO!!! No contact with him ever!!!
She is right. But there are situations like that where I feel so desperate I would do almost anything. It made me realize that I still have a lot of healing to do around this. If I ever am to get in another relationship (which seems doubtful at this point!) I am going to have to deal with this. Even for my own sake and that of my children when they are grown - it is just too hard to go down that road. And, I have been here enough times I should know that. But when my husband is AWOL, even now, my mind goes to the worst possible place.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Growing up Female
"Eventually, our capacity to tell the truth was judged as rude and "not nice", and our capacity to think for ourselves as "troublesome" and "rocking the boat" by our families. We learned to question our thoughts and perceptions and to lie in a compliance-based environment that valued conformity to outdated gender stereotypes and "politeness" more than it did integrity. We kept our thoughts about the events of life to ourselves so there wouldn't be an argument. We strained to like everyone so we wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. We pretended that we didn't know what we knew so their egos wouldn't be hurt; that we didn't hear what we heard so their secrets wouldn't be exposed; and that we couldn't do what we could do so that the masquerade about who was weak and who was strong would be maintained. The constant repetition of these childhood commandments censored our natural tendency to tell the truth and to think for ourselves. We learned to question our truth and to defer to the thoughts and perceptions of others, assuming something was wrong with us."
-Patricia Lynn Reilly, I Promise Myself: Making a Commitment to Yourself and Your Dreams
-Patricia Lynn Reilly, I Promise Myself: Making a Commitment to Yourself and Your Dreams
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Rape
I have been surprised and saddened by the number of friends who have come to me lately with their stories of rape. It seems I am hitting that point in my mid-thirties where women are finally able to come forward and talk about these things openly.
It seems that through our teens and twenties, we are constantly embarrassed just to be women. Our normal bodily functions - periods, childbirth, etc. are all somehow gross and disgusting - let alone being raped or molested.
As I begin to spend more time with women, I see the commonality of all of our stories. The saddest part about rape to me is that women are by and large not supported if they do come forward. Our fathers, friends and boyfriends somehow turn it around back at us, as if we had done something wrong. Probably the biggest "excuse" for rape is what we were wearing. But rape happens in all countries - even Muslim countries where women are covered from head-to-toe. So this argument is bullshit as far as I am concerned.
Rape happens because we are socialized as girls to be weak and to wait for someone else to protect us. Statistically speaking, we know that this is not the case with rape. A woman is raped, and it is somehow her fault. The men who were supposed to protect us point their fingers back at us. Systematically throughout the world, rape is not punished. And until it is, rape will continue.
When I was about 19, a man tried to rape me. Luckily, he was not much bigger than me, and I was able to fight him off, at least from technically raping me. But he did violate me in other ways, and it was very traumatic for me. I was still a virgin and I certainly didn't want to give up my cherished virginity that way.
Looking back at my fundamentalist Christian upbringing today, I wonder if all those "True Love Waits" campaigns are not extremely harmful to girls who have been raped or molested. What caveat is there for them?
I wish we would spend more time empowering our daughters than shaming them. It seems like it takes nearly a lifetime for women to recover from our socialization.
It seems that through our teens and twenties, we are constantly embarrassed just to be women. Our normal bodily functions - periods, childbirth, etc. are all somehow gross and disgusting - let alone being raped or molested.
As I begin to spend more time with women, I see the commonality of all of our stories. The saddest part about rape to me is that women are by and large not supported if they do come forward. Our fathers, friends and boyfriends somehow turn it around back at us, as if we had done something wrong. Probably the biggest "excuse" for rape is what we were wearing. But rape happens in all countries - even Muslim countries where women are covered from head-to-toe. So this argument is bullshit as far as I am concerned.
Rape happens because we are socialized as girls to be weak and to wait for someone else to protect us. Statistically speaking, we know that this is not the case with rape. A woman is raped, and it is somehow her fault. The men who were supposed to protect us point their fingers back at us. Systematically throughout the world, rape is not punished. And until it is, rape will continue.
When I was about 19, a man tried to rape me. Luckily, he was not much bigger than me, and I was able to fight him off, at least from technically raping me. But he did violate me in other ways, and it was very traumatic for me. I was still a virgin and I certainly didn't want to give up my cherished virginity that way.
Looking back at my fundamentalist Christian upbringing today, I wonder if all those "True Love Waits" campaigns are not extremely harmful to girls who have been raped or molested. What caveat is there for them?
I wish we would spend more time empowering our daughters than shaming them. It seems like it takes nearly a lifetime for women to recover from our socialization.
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Real Rosa Parks
"People always say that I didn't give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn't true. I was not tired physically, or no more tired than I usually was at the end of a working day. I was not old, although some people have an image of me as being old then. I was forty-two. No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in...There had to be a stopping place, and this seemed to have been the place for me to stop being pushed around...I had decided that I would have to know once and for all what rights I had as a human being and a citizen, even in Montgomery, Alabama."
- Rosa Parks
- Rosa Parks
El Shaddai
I had not really cried since my grandmother's death several weeks ago. Yesterday, the pianist who played at her service played El Shaddai on the piano and I finally broke down.
I grew up singing this song in church with my sister and my grandma always liked it. The last few weeks, I sang it to her many times. I think I have been so busy with the service and then the cleaning of her place that I haven't let myself cry. There was a lot to do.
I talked to my dad's wife about it today and she talked about how cleansing crying is. I rarely cry anymore, but I think she was right.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonia,
Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
We will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.
Through your love and through the ram,
You saved the son of Abraham;
Through the power of your hand,
Turned the sea into dry land.
To the outcast on her knees,
You were the God who really sees,
And by Your might,
You set Your children free.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonia,
Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
We will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.
Through the years You've made it clear,
That the time of Christ was near,
Though the people couldn't see
What Messiah ought to be.
Though Your Word contained the plan,
They just could not understand
Your most awesome work was done
Through the frailty of Your Son.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonai,
Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
I will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonai,
Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
I will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.
by: Michael Card and John Thompson
I grew up singing this song in church with my sister and my grandma always liked it. The last few weeks, I sang it to her many times. I think I have been so busy with the service and then the cleaning of her place that I haven't let myself cry. There was a lot to do.
I talked to my dad's wife about it today and she talked about how cleansing crying is. I rarely cry anymore, but I think she was right.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonia,
Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
We will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.
Through your love and through the ram,
You saved the son of Abraham;
Through the power of your hand,
Turned the sea into dry land.
To the outcast on her knees,
You were the God who really sees,
And by Your might,
You set Your children free.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonia,
Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
We will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.
Through the years You've made it clear,
That the time of Christ was near,
Though the people couldn't see
What Messiah ought to be.
Though Your Word contained the plan,
They just could not understand
Your most awesome work was done
Through the frailty of Your Son.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonai,
Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
I will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonai,
Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
I will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.
by: Michael Card and John Thompson
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Nothing Like Being Home
We celebrated my daughter's 4th birthday party this afternoon with her friends. It was a very fun event and everyone got along well. Afterwards, my daughter was supposed to go back with her dad, but she chose to go with me. He didn't push the issue this time and I think we were all happier for it.
I think that if we allow her to make this transition on her own timeline, her relationship with her dad will be better and she will remain a whole individual.
I am enjoying the time with her. We had a special dinner together and have had fun opening all her new toys. There is no one I would rather be with than my children. I had a nice time last night with friends - and a very great group of women. I feel blessed to have the relationships I have in my life. But at the end of the day, there is just nothing like being home with my kids.
I think that if we allow her to make this transition on her own timeline, her relationship with her dad will be better and she will remain a whole individual.
I am enjoying the time with her. We had a special dinner together and have had fun opening all her new toys. There is no one I would rather be with than my children. I had a nice time last night with friends - and a very great group of women. I feel blessed to have the relationships I have in my life. But at the end of the day, there is just nothing like being home with my kids.
My Beloved Islam
People often ask me about my faith, and I thought this was one of the better explanations of the desired qualities of a Muslim.
The essential rules and regulations contained in the divine books were demonstrated to society by the Prophets, the men to whom these rules had been revealed; with explanations, both verbal and demonstrative, the Prophets tried to establish a new human prototype and new societies. The first prototype was the prophets themselves, who not only carried out all these activities, but also received the revelation; this enabled the most ideal education to be demonstrated through the revelation. Here we will try to identify how Prophet Muhammad educated people for such a prototype.
1. According to Islamic belief, in the words of Prophet Muhammad: "If a person intends to do something good, and if they find the opportunity and perform that action, Allah will record from 10 to 700, or even more, blessings; if they intend to do a good action, but they do not find an opportunity, Allah Almighty will write a blessing for them for the intention. If someone intends to do an evil action, but then forgoes this action, Allah Almighty will record on blessing for them; if they intend to do an evil action and they do it, one sin will be recorded for them."1
When the words of the Prophet are studied carefully, it can be seen that the intention, regardless of whether an individual is inclined towards good or evil actions, is to remove evil thoughts and emotions from the heart. According to this, the Muslim prototype that is desired is one in which there are no subconscious evil intents, emotions or thoughts.
2. According to another statement by Prophet Muhammad every action "will be judged according to its intent".2 If the aim and intent are good, the inclination will be to the good and blessed. This is one of the lofty qualities that should be found in the prototype formed by Islam; the actions of a person who acts and programs their lives by taking into account Allah cannot be evil.
3. Prophet Muhammad said that a Muslim should be a person "who causes no harm to others with their hands (actions) or tongue (words)."3 Thus, he puts forward the idea that an Islamic personality is one that causes no other person any harm either physically or verbally; that is, they are someone who uses their material power and authority with justice.
4. A believer is defined as one who "is relied upon, trusted".4 A person who is not trusted by those around them or who may cause harm at any given moment is like gangrene in society. They make life intolerable.
5. In a statement by Prophet Muhammad, "if you love someone you should love them for the sake of Allah; if you do not love them you should not love them for the sake of Allah.5 Here we see that, as required by faith, love is connected to lofty and transcendental intentions.
6. One of the most important characteristics for an Islamic personality is to always intend to speak truthfully. In the Qur'an this is persistently emphasized: "O ye who believe! Fear God, and (always) say a word directed to the Right."6 In another verse it is said: "O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor..."7 This makes it clear that a Muslim is expected to defend what is right and just and to speak the truth, even if it is to the detriment of themselves or their relatives.
7. Honesty creates a desire to do good and doing good actions is a means by which we can enter heaven. If the world of ideas and thought is built on honesty, then a person is among the group of honest people in Allah's presence. Lies always mislead people, and support wrong actions, or even evil; evil leads a person to hell.8 If the world of ideas and the subconscious are built on lies then a person is among the liars in Allah's presence. The result of this is obvious. In the formation of the Muslim personality being honest and avoiding lies is indispensable; it is a basic principle.
8. One of the basic characteristics of the Muslim personality, in all behavior, be it in worship or in human relations, is to follow the middle way. Prophet Muhammad said: "Walk at an average tempo, walk at an average tempo so that you can achieve your goal,"9 thus revealing the secret to all success. According to this, no extremes should exist in the Muslim world of ideas; not even love or hate. Prophet Muhammad said "Do not love the beloved too much, because one day that beloved might become one you hate and you will be full of shame and remorse; do not hate too much, because one day that hated person might become your friend and you will be full of shame and remorse,"10 thus educating the individual even in how to love and hate.
9. Prophet Muhammad always acted with empathy in personal relationships, and he made such behavior a rule, saying: "Until you want for another what you want for yourself you have not truly believed."11
10. In another quote from Prophet Muhammad he stated that: "a person who others avoid because they may cause harm"12 is the worst kind of person. This is the greatest evil that one can do to oneself.
11. In a saying of Prophet Muhammad, "When people are not merciful, Allah will not be merciful,"13 the Prophet advises mercy, and states that in order to achieve Allah's mercy people must act with mercy and tenderness.
12. Another important point Prophet Muhammad focuses on in the formation of the Muslim personality is that a Muslim should be a facilitator, not a hinderer. This quality is an important component that affects the behavior of other people. In addition, aspects like being a deliverer of good news and not someone who causes hate14 are important characteristics of the Muslim personality.
13. One of the important principles that all Prophets inspired in their societies was modesty or shame; that is, feeling ashamed of an evil action. Shame, which plays an important role in the behavior of the individual, is a spiritual emotion that shows the degree of maturity of the Muslim personality. All the prophets expressed the importance and function of shame in a similar way: "If you are not ashamed, do as you wish."15
14. One of the characteristics that Prophet Muhammad gave importance to in the formation of the Muslim personality is directing people to good and ensuring that good and blessed thoughts always exist in the world of ideas. He expressed this as follows: "Being the means for good is the same as doing good."16
15. Prophet Muhammad also stated that a Muslim should be careful and not be harmed by the same thing twice. "A Muslim should not make the same mistake twice (should not be bitten by the same snake twice)."17
16. In the Islamic value system a great deal of importance has been given to a person being of benefit; it is even accepted that removing an obstacle from the path when walking, be it as little as a thorn, is part of belief and faith.18 Such an action must be intended as an act of faith, and the return should only be expected from Allah, with no other calculations or expectations.
17. In the words of Prophet Muhammad, in the Islamic value system, "no harm should be caused to another nor shall any harm be caused in return for harm."19 To repay harm with harm would lead to a rule of chaos and injustice in society, creating an environment of anarchy.
18. Prophet Muhammad stated that all members of society should be aware of living in brotherhood. " A Muslim cannot oppress their Muslim brother, they cannot hand them over to the enemy; if they fulfill a need (of another) Allah will fulfill their need, if they save another from difficulty Allah will save them from difficulty, if they cover up the fault (of another), Allah will cover up a fault for them."20 He thus stated the conscious dimensions of Muslim brotherhood.
19. In addition, the overall concept should be reduced down to the smallest unit of society, and those who are orphaned or alone should be cared for. The Prophet stated that one who sees an orphan, either from their own kin or from another family, and takes them under their protection will go to heaven with the orphan.21
As a result, we can say the following: the intention of the revelation was to take human nature, which had been corrupted over time, and to return it to its original identity. For this purpose, the Prophets who communicated the revelation gave equal importance to the education of the people. In every instance they educated the world with their thoughts and they tried to eliminate evil thoughts and emotions, rather evaluating everything in the scope of what were blessings for human good. In the period of Prophet Muhammad, a time when no sound moral values were left, the revelation supported and commended these sublime values while the Prophet interpreted them, adopting them and applying them to life; this is the ideal for Muslim society all relationships should be built on this fundamental perception.
- Cemal Agirman, PhD
The essential rules and regulations contained in the divine books were demonstrated to society by the Prophets, the men to whom these rules had been revealed; with explanations, both verbal and demonstrative, the Prophets tried to establish a new human prototype and new societies. The first prototype was the prophets themselves, who not only carried out all these activities, but also received the revelation; this enabled the most ideal education to be demonstrated through the revelation. Here we will try to identify how Prophet Muhammad educated people for such a prototype.
1. According to Islamic belief, in the words of Prophet Muhammad: "If a person intends to do something good, and if they find the opportunity and perform that action, Allah will record from 10 to 700, or even more, blessings; if they intend to do a good action, but they do not find an opportunity, Allah Almighty will write a blessing for them for the intention. If someone intends to do an evil action, but then forgoes this action, Allah Almighty will record on blessing for them; if they intend to do an evil action and they do it, one sin will be recorded for them."1
When the words of the Prophet are studied carefully, it can be seen that the intention, regardless of whether an individual is inclined towards good or evil actions, is to remove evil thoughts and emotions from the heart. According to this, the Muslim prototype that is desired is one in which there are no subconscious evil intents, emotions or thoughts.
2. According to another statement by Prophet Muhammad every action "will be judged according to its intent".2 If the aim and intent are good, the inclination will be to the good and blessed. This is one of the lofty qualities that should be found in the prototype formed by Islam; the actions of a person who acts and programs their lives by taking into account Allah cannot be evil.
3. Prophet Muhammad said that a Muslim should be a person "who causes no harm to others with their hands (actions) or tongue (words)."3 Thus, he puts forward the idea that an Islamic personality is one that causes no other person any harm either physically or verbally; that is, they are someone who uses their material power and authority with justice.
4. A believer is defined as one who "is relied upon, trusted".4 A person who is not trusted by those around them or who may cause harm at any given moment is like gangrene in society. They make life intolerable.
5. In a statement by Prophet Muhammad, "if you love someone you should love them for the sake of Allah; if you do not love them you should not love them for the sake of Allah.5 Here we see that, as required by faith, love is connected to lofty and transcendental intentions.
6. One of the most important characteristics for an Islamic personality is to always intend to speak truthfully. In the Qur'an this is persistently emphasized: "O ye who believe! Fear God, and (always) say a word directed to the Right."6 In another verse it is said: "O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor..."7 This makes it clear that a Muslim is expected to defend what is right and just and to speak the truth, even if it is to the detriment of themselves or their relatives.
7. Honesty creates a desire to do good and doing good actions is a means by which we can enter heaven. If the world of ideas and thought is built on honesty, then a person is among the group of honest people in Allah's presence. Lies always mislead people, and support wrong actions, or even evil; evil leads a person to hell.8 If the world of ideas and the subconscious are built on lies then a person is among the liars in Allah's presence. The result of this is obvious. In the formation of the Muslim personality being honest and avoiding lies is indispensable; it is a basic principle.
8. One of the basic characteristics of the Muslim personality, in all behavior, be it in worship or in human relations, is to follow the middle way. Prophet Muhammad said: "Walk at an average tempo, walk at an average tempo so that you can achieve your goal,"9 thus revealing the secret to all success. According to this, no extremes should exist in the Muslim world of ideas; not even love or hate. Prophet Muhammad said "Do not love the beloved too much, because one day that beloved might become one you hate and you will be full of shame and remorse; do not hate too much, because one day that hated person might become your friend and you will be full of shame and remorse,"10 thus educating the individual even in how to love and hate.
9. Prophet Muhammad always acted with empathy in personal relationships, and he made such behavior a rule, saying: "Until you want for another what you want for yourself you have not truly believed."11
10. In another quote from Prophet Muhammad he stated that: "a person who others avoid because they may cause harm"12 is the worst kind of person. This is the greatest evil that one can do to oneself.
11. In a saying of Prophet Muhammad, "When people are not merciful, Allah will not be merciful,"13 the Prophet advises mercy, and states that in order to achieve Allah's mercy people must act with mercy and tenderness.
12. Another important point Prophet Muhammad focuses on in the formation of the Muslim personality is that a Muslim should be a facilitator, not a hinderer. This quality is an important component that affects the behavior of other people. In addition, aspects like being a deliverer of good news and not someone who causes hate14 are important characteristics of the Muslim personality.
13. One of the important principles that all Prophets inspired in their societies was modesty or shame; that is, feeling ashamed of an evil action. Shame, which plays an important role in the behavior of the individual, is a spiritual emotion that shows the degree of maturity of the Muslim personality. All the prophets expressed the importance and function of shame in a similar way: "If you are not ashamed, do as you wish."15
14. One of the characteristics that Prophet Muhammad gave importance to in the formation of the Muslim personality is directing people to good and ensuring that good and blessed thoughts always exist in the world of ideas. He expressed this as follows: "Being the means for good is the same as doing good."16
15. Prophet Muhammad also stated that a Muslim should be careful and not be harmed by the same thing twice. "A Muslim should not make the same mistake twice (should not be bitten by the same snake twice)."17
16. In the Islamic value system a great deal of importance has been given to a person being of benefit; it is even accepted that removing an obstacle from the path when walking, be it as little as a thorn, is part of belief and faith.18 Such an action must be intended as an act of faith, and the return should only be expected from Allah, with no other calculations or expectations.
17. In the words of Prophet Muhammad, in the Islamic value system, "no harm should be caused to another nor shall any harm be caused in return for harm."19 To repay harm with harm would lead to a rule of chaos and injustice in society, creating an environment of anarchy.
18. Prophet Muhammad stated that all members of society should be aware of living in brotherhood. " A Muslim cannot oppress their Muslim brother, they cannot hand them over to the enemy; if they fulfill a need (of another) Allah will fulfill their need, if they save another from difficulty Allah will save them from difficulty, if they cover up the fault (of another), Allah will cover up a fault for them."20 He thus stated the conscious dimensions of Muslim brotherhood.
19. In addition, the overall concept should be reduced down to the smallest unit of society, and those who are orphaned or alone should be cared for. The Prophet stated that one who sees an orphan, either from their own kin or from another family, and takes them under their protection will go to heaven with the orphan.21
As a result, we can say the following: the intention of the revelation was to take human nature, which had been corrupted over time, and to return it to its original identity. For this purpose, the Prophets who communicated the revelation gave equal importance to the education of the people. In every instance they educated the world with their thoughts and they tried to eliminate evil thoughts and emotions, rather evaluating everything in the scope of what were blessings for human good. In the period of Prophet Muhammad, a time when no sound moral values were left, the revelation supported and commended these sublime values while the Prophet interpreted them, adopting them and applying them to life; this is the ideal for Muslim society all relationships should be built on this fundamental perception.
- Cemal Agirman, PhD
Friday, May 21, 2010
My Name
The other part of the draft that I do not agree to (and was never talked about) is that the kids can take on no other sur-name.
There is no mention of me taking back my maiden name, which I certainly want to do legally. I have already gone back to it socially and every other way. I want nothing to do with that family name.
In fact, if I had it my way, I would have the kids change to my name too.
But now that they mention it in the documents, there is no reason the kids can not take a hyphenated name with both our last names. Why is his family name so precious? Because they have money? Because that is the only part of the kids they can claim?
I don't want to have anything to do with that dirty lot - and I certainly don't want my kids to either.
There is no mention of me taking back my maiden name, which I certainly want to do legally. I have already gone back to it socially and every other way. I want nothing to do with that family name.
In fact, if I had it my way, I would have the kids change to my name too.
But now that they mention it in the documents, there is no reason the kids can not take a hyphenated name with both our last names. Why is his family name so precious? Because they have money? Because that is the only part of the kids they can claim?
I don't want to have anything to do with that dirty lot - and I certainly don't want my kids to either.
Fit Parenting
My husband will pick up the kids this afternoon and take them for the weekend. It should go better because I will not be there for the transition.
I woke early this morning and have been stewing in bed. I don't want to give up my children. I spent 7 years trying to protect them from their dad. Now I'm supposed to just hand them over?
I think "no fault" divorce laws are bunk. There is certainly fault here, and it does not lie with me.
I received my draft of the divorce documents yesterday and I do not want to sign them. I want the divorce, but I don't agree to all of the terms. The mediator put in several things that we never talked about.
The document starts out to say that we both agree that we are both fit parents. Fit parents? When did I ever say my husband was a "fit" parent?
Does leaving me here with the kids waiting for him to come home all night long make a "fit" parent?
Is it having to explain to them over and over again where their daddy is and why he doesn't come home or pick them up when he says he will?
Does bringing cocaine into our house and leaving it out where the kids could have killed themselves make a "fit" parent?
Does driving drunk with all of us in the car make him a "fit" parent?
Does relapsing again and again make him a "fit" parent?
Does wasting every last cent we had make him a "fit" parent?
Does exposing the children to his abusive father make him a "fit" parent?
I could go on and on....
What is considered fit parenting by Oregon Law? I would sure like to know, because it certainly does not meet my standards.
I woke early this morning and have been stewing in bed. I don't want to give up my children. I spent 7 years trying to protect them from their dad. Now I'm supposed to just hand them over?
I think "no fault" divorce laws are bunk. There is certainly fault here, and it does not lie with me.
I received my draft of the divorce documents yesterday and I do not want to sign them. I want the divorce, but I don't agree to all of the terms. The mediator put in several things that we never talked about.
The document starts out to say that we both agree that we are both fit parents. Fit parents? When did I ever say my husband was a "fit" parent?
Does leaving me here with the kids waiting for him to come home all night long make a "fit" parent?
Is it having to explain to them over and over again where their daddy is and why he doesn't come home or pick them up when he says he will?
Does bringing cocaine into our house and leaving it out where the kids could have killed themselves make a "fit" parent?
Does driving drunk with all of us in the car make him a "fit" parent?
Does relapsing again and again make him a "fit" parent?
Does wasting every last cent we had make him a "fit" parent?
Does exposing the children to his abusive father make him a "fit" parent?
I could go on and on....
What is considered fit parenting by Oregon Law? I would sure like to know, because it certainly does not meet my standards.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Toys
"As a child I thought of him as a sick man and his bedroom as a sickroom. It made my childhood here very unhappy. As a child I used to think, about my father and my mother, 'These people don't know that I'm a person, too, and that I too need help. I'm not a toy they just happened to make."
-Ana, Half a Life by V.S. Naipaul
-Ana, Half a Life by V.S. Naipaul
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Count Not
"Count not him among your friends who will retail your privacies to the world."
-Publilius Syrus
-Publilius Syrus
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
To Love
"To love is to allow what is different to exist and be itself. To love is to accept the otherness of the beloved. To love is to refuse to violate the mystery of the beloved."
- Patricia Lynn Reilly, A God who looks like Me
- Patricia Lynn Reilly, A God who looks like Me
Fucked
I am in a foul mood today. Really foul.
I just met with my husband and the bankruptcy attorney. I realize that this is the only logical step at this point, but I am just pissed off that I am in this position.
I have always been responsible with money. I have been a good wife and a good mother, while my husband was off cheating on me, blowing money and snorting cocaine and God knows what else. He risked our lives. He fucked our finances.
And I feel like his family should have stepped in and helped us. They raised him to be this way. They created this mess that I now live in. But do they do anything? No. They play golf and tennis. They sit there on their butts and make judgements about me.
They have no problem enabling his lifestyle. They have no problem paying for endless rehabs. But when it comes to the education they promised my children, or anything else, nothing.
I feel like their priorities are fucked. They are fucked.
Most of my days now are good. I have felt so happy and so free. I try not to dwell on any of this. But today, I am angry.
I know I can't (or shouldn't) expect a damned thing from my husband's parents. But I do. I would never leave my daughter-in-law in this position. I would never treat someone the way that I have been treated. All I can do now is try to erase them from my life and move on.
Someday, my children will know exactly who they are - and they will not be able to buy themselves out of that.
I am going to fix some lunch and do my Kundalini Yoga. I don't want to feel like this all day.
I just met with my husband and the bankruptcy attorney. I realize that this is the only logical step at this point, but I am just pissed off that I am in this position.
I have always been responsible with money. I have been a good wife and a good mother, while my husband was off cheating on me, blowing money and snorting cocaine and God knows what else. He risked our lives. He fucked our finances.
And I feel like his family should have stepped in and helped us. They raised him to be this way. They created this mess that I now live in. But do they do anything? No. They play golf and tennis. They sit there on their butts and make judgements about me.
They have no problem enabling his lifestyle. They have no problem paying for endless rehabs. But when it comes to the education they promised my children, or anything else, nothing.
I feel like their priorities are fucked. They are fucked.
Most of my days now are good. I have felt so happy and so free. I try not to dwell on any of this. But today, I am angry.
I know I can't (or shouldn't) expect a damned thing from my husband's parents. But I do. I would never leave my daughter-in-law in this position. I would never treat someone the way that I have been treated. All I can do now is try to erase them from my life and move on.
Someday, my children will know exactly who they are - and they will not be able to buy themselves out of that.
I am going to fix some lunch and do my Kundalini Yoga. I don't want to feel like this all day.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Reconsidering everything....
The second thing that came out of that lunch is something that has been evolving in me for a long time.
As women, we grow up hearing a lot of advertisements about makeup, skin care and "beauty". The assumption is that if we spend all this time and money to look a certain way, our lives will be wonderful. All of this amounts to so much wasted time and resources, and our lives are no better for it.
I don't want to play the game anymore.
Most of these products are pumped with chemicals and toxins. In fact, if you wear heavy makeup, especially from a young age, it will actually make you look older.
The incidence of skin cancer is through the roof. And I believe a lot of this is not from the sun, but the products we use on our skin - including most sun screen.
There are products without all this crap in them, and I am learning more about them. I mix my own oils, made with completely natural organic oils. This is a very inexpensive way to moisturize your skin. And it works beautifully.
I don't want to even spend the time dying my hair anymore. What is wrong with gray hair? Nothing! Is it worth seeping toxins into my skull?
I have a friend who is just a few years older than me and she does not dye her hair. She has similar gray proportions to what I imagine I have. She assumed she was older than me when I met, but I did not think that. I thought her hair looked lovely and she inspired me to stop dying mine.
My mother has a glorious gray main. For years she spent tons of time and money trying to get it dyed a certain color. It never held the color right and detracted from her beauty. I feel she looks lovely than ever now.
I think one of the biggest reasons that women spend so much time and money on these products is that we somehow feel we are in competition with each other. We are not. We need to spend more time supporting and loving each other. When more of us stop playing this ridiculous game, more women will find the courage to live their lives as they are.
Men do not spend the same time and energy on their appearance. No one thinks they need to. What makes us innately wrong the way we are?
I have never worn a lot of makeup, but lately I wear less and less. As I told my friends the other day, everything is on the table now. I am reconsidering all of it.
I want to spend my life in creative endeavors, doing things that support me and my children. Anything that does not support that dream is off the table.
As women, we grow up hearing a lot of advertisements about makeup, skin care and "beauty". The assumption is that if we spend all this time and money to look a certain way, our lives will be wonderful. All of this amounts to so much wasted time and resources, and our lives are no better for it.
I don't want to play the game anymore.
Most of these products are pumped with chemicals and toxins. In fact, if you wear heavy makeup, especially from a young age, it will actually make you look older.
The incidence of skin cancer is through the roof. And I believe a lot of this is not from the sun, but the products we use on our skin - including most sun screen.
There are products without all this crap in them, and I am learning more about them. I mix my own oils, made with completely natural organic oils. This is a very inexpensive way to moisturize your skin. And it works beautifully.
I don't want to even spend the time dying my hair anymore. What is wrong with gray hair? Nothing! Is it worth seeping toxins into my skull?
I have a friend who is just a few years older than me and she does not dye her hair. She has similar gray proportions to what I imagine I have. She assumed she was older than me when I met, but I did not think that. I thought her hair looked lovely and she inspired me to stop dying mine.
My mother has a glorious gray main. For years she spent tons of time and money trying to get it dyed a certain color. It never held the color right and detracted from her beauty. I feel she looks lovely than ever now.
I think one of the biggest reasons that women spend so much time and money on these products is that we somehow feel we are in competition with each other. We are not. We need to spend more time supporting and loving each other. When more of us stop playing this ridiculous game, more women will find the courage to live their lives as they are.
Men do not spend the same time and energy on their appearance. No one thinks they need to. What makes us innately wrong the way we are?
I have never worn a lot of makeup, but lately I wear less and less. As I told my friends the other day, everything is on the table now. I am reconsidering all of it.
I want to spend my life in creative endeavors, doing things that support me and my children. Anything that does not support that dream is off the table.
Ladies Lunch
I went to a ladies lunch on Thursday at the home of a good friend of mine. I was planning to just pop by, as I don't usually do a 3-hour lunch. But the time flew by and I found myself enjoying it.
I have not been around people with money for a while. Perhaps I have been avoiding it in my own way. But I do love my friend.
It's funny - when I met her, I assumed a lot about her because of the way she dressed mostly. She is completely entrenched in upscale brand names. I remember I started doing that for a while and my sister commented that I was becoming a walking advertisement.
After a year of getting to know my friend, I found there is a lot that lies beneath the surface. She is a very sweet and dear person. She has had struggles of her own that no one would ever guess at.
I think women with money have the same or more hindrances as most women. But they are expected to be a certain way - act like a lady - dress well - keep their shape - take care of all the social obligations, which will promote her husband's career. And the majority of them live up to this image, especially when they marry into money. All of these expectations take up a lot of time. All of these detract from the full creative potential and individual economic well-being of the woman.
Money protects its own. If the woman does not live up to this image created for her, there will not be a place for her - and she will not have the skills needed to go out on her own. And in most cases, she will not be able to enjoy the same lifestyle if the relationship ends. Hence, she is in her own cage - a very pretty bird with no place to go.
For years I wore a size zero and most of the women surrounding me wore a similar size. It seemed normal, expected.
I am now at a size 4 and I was easily the biggest woman there. It was a strange position to be in after being away from it. No one said anything directly, but one woman did say she didn't recognize me when she first walked in.
I am glad to have my curves back. I don't want to be a size 0 anymore. For a woman who is 5'7", that size is just plain crazy. Many of the women at that party wore a 00 size.
Being that thin was never intentional for me. I think primarily it was stress and extended breast feeding. I felt the worst I have ever felt in my life - but in those circles, everyone constantly told me how amazing I looked. My family and friends kept me sane.
The biggest question the women had for me was how it felt to be without my rings. It was the first time people have been so candid with me about this. It was a very interesting conversation and probably not one I would have in most places. All of them had large diamonds as well. They wanted to know how I felt without mine. They could not imagine taking theirs off.
I thought that was a very valid and interesting perspective. A large ring almost enslaves you to a man. And, it becomes part of who you are - as they all affirmed. In many ways, a large ring speaks for you in ways words cannot.
I explained that it was difficult for me and it was a process. This was the first time I have felt that everyone in the room knew exactly what I was talking about.
It is one thing to say that you would just throw a large diamond off your finger. It is quite another one to wear one for a long time and choose to take it off. I loved my rings. They were beautiful.
But, I explained that I now prefer my fingers without any rings on them. And that I realized my ring represented a false promise, and a false life.
People see a ring like that and they make a lot of assumptions about who you are. And even if you do have a "good" marriage, I think many of those assumptions are false. At least they were for me.
Everywhere you go, the first thing people see is the size of your ring. It detracts from who you are as a person. I finally feel like I am me.
I have not been around people with money for a while. Perhaps I have been avoiding it in my own way. But I do love my friend.
It's funny - when I met her, I assumed a lot about her because of the way she dressed mostly. She is completely entrenched in upscale brand names. I remember I started doing that for a while and my sister commented that I was becoming a walking advertisement.
After a year of getting to know my friend, I found there is a lot that lies beneath the surface. She is a very sweet and dear person. She has had struggles of her own that no one would ever guess at.
I think women with money have the same or more hindrances as most women. But they are expected to be a certain way - act like a lady - dress well - keep their shape - take care of all the social obligations, which will promote her husband's career. And the majority of them live up to this image, especially when they marry into money. All of these expectations take up a lot of time. All of these detract from the full creative potential and individual economic well-being of the woman.
Money protects its own. If the woman does not live up to this image created for her, there will not be a place for her - and she will not have the skills needed to go out on her own. And in most cases, she will not be able to enjoy the same lifestyle if the relationship ends. Hence, she is in her own cage - a very pretty bird with no place to go.
For years I wore a size zero and most of the women surrounding me wore a similar size. It seemed normal, expected.
I am now at a size 4 and I was easily the biggest woman there. It was a strange position to be in after being away from it. No one said anything directly, but one woman did say she didn't recognize me when she first walked in.
I am glad to have my curves back. I don't want to be a size 0 anymore. For a woman who is 5'7", that size is just plain crazy. Many of the women at that party wore a 00 size.
Being that thin was never intentional for me. I think primarily it was stress and extended breast feeding. I felt the worst I have ever felt in my life - but in those circles, everyone constantly told me how amazing I looked. My family and friends kept me sane.
The biggest question the women had for me was how it felt to be without my rings. It was the first time people have been so candid with me about this. It was a very interesting conversation and probably not one I would have in most places. All of them had large diamonds as well. They wanted to know how I felt without mine. They could not imagine taking theirs off.
I thought that was a very valid and interesting perspective. A large ring almost enslaves you to a man. And, it becomes part of who you are - as they all affirmed. In many ways, a large ring speaks for you in ways words cannot.
I explained that it was difficult for me and it was a process. This was the first time I have felt that everyone in the room knew exactly what I was talking about.
It is one thing to say that you would just throw a large diamond off your finger. It is quite another one to wear one for a long time and choose to take it off. I loved my rings. They were beautiful.
But, I explained that I now prefer my fingers without any rings on them. And that I realized my ring represented a false promise, and a false life.
People see a ring like that and they make a lot of assumptions about who you are. And even if you do have a "good" marriage, I think many of those assumptions are false. At least they were for me.
Everywhere you go, the first thing people see is the size of your ring. It detracts from who you are as a person. I finally feel like I am me.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Force
Today is my husband's birthday. We had a busy day planned but agreed that he would come and get the kids for a few hours. He wanted to take them to lunch and then to see his parents.
My daughter had been dreading this all day. When my husband arrived, he tried to force the issue.
I told him my grandmother had a suggestion. Our daughter is still very young. Forcing her at this age will only make things worse. Take it slow - let her work into it. She's still very young to go with him alone - when she is ready, she will want to. Right now, if she doesn't want to go, just take the boy.
I thought this made a lot of sense. My grandmother had 5 kids and many grandchildren. I respect her.
But for an hour, my husband continued to push my daughter, taking her several times anyway from me, with her kicking and screaming.
I tried to speak reasonably with him. He just doesn't seem to understand. He just wanted to keep standing there and debating it.
He had also arrived late, so by then it was 2pm and none of us had eaten lunch. I told him that in and of itself was not a good thing for any of us.
Our son had gotten in the car, but after 15 minutes of that, he ran out and stood by my daughter and I. He had decided that he did not want to go either.
I felt sorry for my husband. It was his birthday. I know his dad will give him hell, which probably put more pressure on him. But I do not believe forcing the kids to go with him is good for anyone.
He still believes it is - and called me afterwards to continue the argument. I told him I'd like to see our son's counselor together and get her professional opinion. He agreed to go, but continued to badger me.
I told him I had to go.
My life continues to get better and better as I focus on other things. But these arguments are very draining. I still have a lot to do for a fundraiser today, but quite honestly, I don't feel like doing a damned thing.
I guess that will probably be the best medicine for me. Seems like that is usually the case.
My daughter had been dreading this all day. When my husband arrived, he tried to force the issue.
I told him my grandmother had a suggestion. Our daughter is still very young. Forcing her at this age will only make things worse. Take it slow - let her work into it. She's still very young to go with him alone - when she is ready, she will want to. Right now, if she doesn't want to go, just take the boy.
I thought this made a lot of sense. My grandmother had 5 kids and many grandchildren. I respect her.
But for an hour, my husband continued to push my daughter, taking her several times anyway from me, with her kicking and screaming.
I tried to speak reasonably with him. He just doesn't seem to understand. He just wanted to keep standing there and debating it.
He had also arrived late, so by then it was 2pm and none of us had eaten lunch. I told him that in and of itself was not a good thing for any of us.
Our son had gotten in the car, but after 15 minutes of that, he ran out and stood by my daughter and I. He had decided that he did not want to go either.
I felt sorry for my husband. It was his birthday. I know his dad will give him hell, which probably put more pressure on him. But I do not believe forcing the kids to go with him is good for anyone.
He still believes it is - and called me afterwards to continue the argument. I told him I'd like to see our son's counselor together and get her professional opinion. He agreed to go, but continued to badger me.
I told him I had to go.
My life continues to get better and better as I focus on other things. But these arguments are very draining. I still have a lot to do for a fundraiser today, but quite honestly, I don't feel like doing a damned thing.
I guess that will probably be the best medicine for me. Seems like that is usually the case.
Weeding
The kids and I spent some time helping out at the church this morning with the grounds upkeep. I spent most of my time weeding. I got to thinking that weeding is a lot like getting rid of things you don't want in your life. I started out in the most obvious place, a huge patch of weeds surrounding a tree. There were so many there that I didn't notice all the other weeds elsewhere. Once I finished pulling those, the other weeds were more apparent. There were a lot - everywhere! And, next week, there will be more again.
It's easy to get frustrated about this, but that's just life.
For a long time we had gardeners - most of our neighbors do as well. I was thinking today how peaceful I felt working in the dirt. It's a shame many of us have gotten away from doing that. I think it's a good way to reconnect with yourself - and the earth.
There were at least 30 other people there helping and I was also thinking how nice it was to have so many people pitching in. It reminded me that people will help you with areas of your life that you ask for help in - if you just ask.
It's easy to get frustrated about this, but that's just life.
For a long time we had gardeners - most of our neighbors do as well. I was thinking today how peaceful I felt working in the dirt. It's a shame many of us have gotten away from doing that. I think it's a good way to reconnect with yourself - and the earth.
There were at least 30 other people there helping and I was also thinking how nice it was to have so many people pitching in. It reminded me that people will help you with areas of your life that you ask for help in - if you just ask.
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