Reconsidering everything....

The second thing that came out of that lunch is something that has been evolving in me for a long time.

As women, we grow up hearing a lot of advertisements about makeup, skin care and "beauty". The assumption is that if we spend all this time and money to look a certain way, our lives will be wonderful. All of this amounts to so much wasted time and resources, and our lives are no better for it.

I don't want to play the game anymore.

Most of these products are pumped with chemicals and toxins. In fact, if you wear heavy makeup, especially from a young age, it will actually make you look older.

The incidence of skin cancer is through the roof. And I believe a lot of this is not from the sun, but the products we use on our skin - including most sun screen.

There are products without all this crap in them, and I am learning more about them. I mix my own oils, made with completely natural organic oils. This is a very inexpensive way to moisturize your skin. And it works beautifully.

I don't want to even spend the time dying my hair anymore. What is wrong with gray hair? Nothing! Is it worth seeping toxins into my skull?

I have a friend who is just a few years older than me and she does not dye her hair. She has similar gray proportions to what I imagine I have. She assumed she was older than me when I met, but I did not think that. I thought her hair looked lovely and she inspired me to stop dying mine.

My mother has a glorious gray main. For years she spent tons of time and money trying to get it dyed a certain color. It never held the color right and detracted from her beauty. I feel she looks lovely than ever now.

I think one of the biggest reasons that women spend so much time and money on these products is that we somehow feel we are in competition with each other. We are not. We need to spend more time supporting and loving each other. When more of us stop playing this ridiculous game, more women will find the courage to live their lives as they are.

Men do not spend the same time and energy on their appearance. No one thinks they need to. What makes us innately wrong the way we are?

I have never worn a lot of makeup, but lately I wear less and less. As I told my friends the other day, everything is on the table now. I am reconsidering all of it.

I want to spend my life in creative endeavors, doing things that support me and my children. Anything that does not support that dream is off the table.

Heavy Heart

I have not had time to write these last few days.

My grandmother has been in the hospital since Monday night. I have been with her most of the days-time hours.

During that time, it seemed that my great-grandmother was also on her death-bed, but then it turned out today it was a misdiagnosis.

My heart has been heavy.

I left at 5 today, as one of my sisters was able to come down from Seattle to be with my grandmother. My dad and I had been with her most of the time until then. I did not want to leave her alone. She is almost 93.

I have been on the fence about what to do about my job for a while. I have known I did not want my current position and met with my Vice President last week. He was very generous with me and I have been weighing what he said since then.

However, this morning, during my grandmother's procedure, I realized my heart is just not there, and I did not want to stay.

I resigned today.

I have been there for nearly 6 years, so it was a hard decision.

Both of my grandmothers and my great-grandmother are now terminal.

My financial position is not great right now - I suppose that is all relative - but I just feel that I need this time with these women who have been so crucial to me in my own life.

Caregiving is not a respected "job" in our society. Much like motherhood, it is not valued, because it is not "profitable". But to me, there is no more important job in the world.

I have had some very intimate moments with my grandmother these last few days. Things that money truly could never buy or even recognize.

This is one area where the Muslim community rises so high above where we are as an American "Christian" society, that I could write a million pages on it and it still would not suffice.

I am very happy with our church. But the church needs to do better in this regard. We are such an individualistic society. We have completely lost our way.

I have been very strong all week. I have tried to be lighthearted and laugh with my grandmother. Tonight, I took a break and took my children to an Earth Day concert with African music. Perhaps that broke me. My children have missed me. My mother and their father have done a good job helping me this week. But the children are used to me. They were needy and did not behave their best. My daughter loved the music, but my son pouted. I did not have my usual patience.

I broke down and cried on the way home. It has been a long week. And I know there is more to come. Both my sisters live in Seattle, so the burden is mostly with my dad and me. I am glad to take it, but it is also exhausting.

I try to express to my children the importance of what I am doing, but I don't think they understand. I realized tonight at the hippie gathering that we were at that my children do not share all of my values. Perhaps I have done a poor job of expressing them, or perhaps there have been too many outside influences. But I really want them to understand that money is not the saviour of the world. Love is. Family is.

In the end, that is all there is. And if you don't know that, you will be lost - they will be lost.

Reflection

I have been thinking about the poem posted below and I know where I have gone wrong.

I have been thinking in terms of Islam and even Christianity where you can shame someone into doing the right thing. And I know that isn't in vogue in The States but I can tell you that it does work.

And sometimes I wonder what is wrong with shame? Especially when it causes a man to do right by his family?

In my opinion my in-laws should have some shame. And so should my husband. But I'm beginning to realize they will never feel it.

I was raised in a Christian household where the man takes care of his family. (Not that I haven't seen women take care of their families financially too - but this was our arrangment.)

My first husband would have cleaned toilets to make sure we were provided for. It has been interesting reading back at my journal from my pregnancy and birth of my son. There we things my first-husband told me that were so right on. Right at the get-go.

Maybe he was older than me. Maybe he just had more world experience. But he told me when I was pregnant with my son to quit feeling sorry for myself and not to act like a Victim. Because then everyone would treat me like one. He told me if J. didn't want to marry me, he was an idiot.

He told me to raise my son by myself and cut my losses. So did my youngest sister.

For whatever reason, I chose not to.

And with news from my family from the Midwest of another family member dying of cancer, I have to say that overall, I feel like we have done the right things. We are good people. We have lived our lives the "right" way.

But it has never helped us.

I was starting to feel like I have not made any progress or changes in the last 7 years. But reading the journal has bee empowering because it has made me realize that I have made changes, and even the small ones add up.