Stopping

I have mostly stopped writing or even repeating to anyone the crazy things my husband says to me.

One thing I did learn in Al-Anon is that alcoholics all read from the same script. I could spend the rest of my life repeating things he says or has said to me, but it won't change anything. It will just be more wasted breath.

He blew up at me the other day and keeps wondering why we can't be friends. Well, because we aren't friends. He has never treated me like a friend. We have children together, and we have to make the best of it. But every time we start getting along, he takes it the wrong way, and then blows up on me when I remind him we are almost divorced.

Count Not

"Count not him among your friends who will retail your privacies to the world."

-Publilius Syrus

Grief

I got an email this morning from a dear friend, letting me know his brother had died. Years ago the three of us would have so much fun together. He always carried things a bit to far with his drinking and that progressed to the point in recent years where many of us could barely stand to be around him. I saw him less and less over the years but I always cared about him and asked how he was doing. I choose to remember the good years now. It is so tragic to lose a life to alcoholism. He had everything in the world going for him when I met him. Charming, good looking, smart...everyone always liked him. It is so hard for me to understand the whys.

We need to find better solutions to this "disease". No one should die this way. In the midst of everything going on in Haiti that is completely out of anyone's control, it is hard to understand how the simple act of taking a drink can progress to alcoholism and then death. I know people say we can not control alcoholism, but no one "has" to take a drink. It is both baffling and maddening to me.

For whatever reason their mother has been in my heart and mind these past weeks. She died about 4 years ago of cancer. She was a remarkable Irish woman who raised 6 boys. I always felt very close to her although she never expressed much emotion. (Must be the Irish in me.) I remember at her funeral one of the girls they grew up with got up and talked about how she expressed her love for others through the food she would make them. I related well to that.

When I think of his mother and father, I cry. I am grateful that his mother did not live to see this day. That was a grace. No matter how soon her death came, I know as a mother, I would never want to live to see the day my son died. There is no way to make sense of that. I know she loved him dearly and completely.

Today, I came home after my son's field trip and looked at old photos. It was sad to see him in happier years. Sad to see his mother at various milestones, looking so strong and beautiful. I did feel like I have seen better days, and I was grateful for the friends and family that have surrounded me throughout my life.

In any case I am very sad today, mostly because I know that a family that I love is hurting. My loss is insignificant - theirs is so very great. Sending peace and love to my dear friend C and his family.

Old Friends....

Just when I was feeling quite depressed, an old friend sent me a message. We were able to chat for a second and decided to meet next week. She reminded me how much fun we had in Italy and it brought a smile to my face. I finished my MBA in Italy with her husband. The two of us had a blast traveling all over Italy, Croatia, Serbia...

I am feeling very stuck. It was good to also be reminded that I do have potential. I did have a profitable career at one point. I can make it. Perhaps it will take time, but I certainly am rich with friends and family. I don't want to sacrifice my children and that's where I'm feeling stuck - but my children are also my greatest joy, so while I am angry at my situation, I am also so grateful for them.

My Dear Zora

"I have been in Sorrow's kitchen and licked out all the pots. Then I have stood on the peaky mountain wrapped in rainbows, with a harp and a sword in my hands."
- Zora Neale Hurston

I've thought about that quote a lot lately and here's the thing. I've read enough and seen enough of the world to know that, often, there are no happy endings. A happy ending is an American idea, and it doesn't work out for a lot of people, including Zora.

When I was sitting with L the other day talking about life and all that has happened with my husband these last 7 years, she said, I can't believe that. After all of this and all you've sacrificed that this is how it is going to turn out. This is America!!!

I told her that that meant nothing.

She said she knew it wasn't going to work between my husband and I the day after our son came home from the hospital. There I was, having just birthed a baby that would not stop crying whatever I tried. I called my husband again and again but he was AWOL. Finally sometime after midnight I was desperate. I called my ex-husband and L, who lived down the street at the time. Lebanese are very family-oriented so I knew they would know what to do. They had both been around babies all their lives.

It wad bad gas. And they were able to help me finally get the baby down. They stayed there with me until he was calm and asleep and I was OK. (Well into the early hours of the morning.) I didn't hear from my husband until sometime the next day.

He brought me a Tiffany Charm Bracelet, engraved with our son's name and birthdate. As if that would make up for it. I can never bear to wear that bracelet. I'm saving it for my son's future wife, as a promise, that I will always be there for her and for their marriage, no matter what.

She told me she will never forget that time. Neither will I.

As I was saying sometimes there is just no happy ending. Even with everything we put in to make it so.