I just watched Crazy Heart. I had wanted to see it for a long time, since I obviously can relate to the subject matter. They certainly got the asshole part down of the alcoholic.
I ended up just sobbing at the end. I suppose it hit just too close to home. It was hard not to feel sorry for the alcoholic too, as much as an asshole as he was. But I am hoping, if nothing else, many people will watch it, and realize that sometimes, you just go too far, and there is nothing you can do to "fix" it. Life just goes on without you.
But, it is never too late to redeem yourself.
The Weary Kind
Your heart's on the loose
You rolled them seven's with nothing lose
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this don't feel like home anymore
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
And this ain't no place to lose your mind
And this ain't no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same
Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesn't forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
And this ain't no place to lose your mind
And this ain't no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your lovers won't kiss
It's too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world
Your heart's on the loose
You rolled them seven's with nothing lose
And this ain't no place for the weary kind
-Ryan Bingham
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/crazyheart/thewearykind.htm target=_blank>Ryan Bingham - The Weary Kind lyrics
Showing posts with label amends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label amends. Show all posts
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Cheating
You don't expect to ever have to worry about AIDS or STD's when you get married. At least I didn't. Maybe I was naive. I've since heard statistics that 80% of men cheat and 65% of women do (which is likely under-reported).
However, I think I felt like my husband was still in the process of making amends to me and never would go there.
I remember a friend of mine who went through a very similar story to mine, with an alcoholic husband and 4 children. After getting through recovery with him, she then found out her husband was cheating on her. My husband said at the time he thought that was horrible.
I have known for some time that my husband cheated on my during our marriage. I thought it was only once and with one woman. I assumed he would have at least given me the courtesy of using a condom, but he did not.
I am done pretending that it wasn't as bad or that he did it while we were separated. I know that was not the case. I am done letting my husband think he has gotten away with something or trying to make him feel better about the situation.
One of the most humiliating experiences of my life was having to go in to my doctor and ask for an AIDS test. After asking me why and talking to him about the cocaine in the home, he asked me if my husband was sleeping with prostitutes. He suggested I get fully tested for everything. Luckily, nothing came up but, it scared the hell out of me. And I have yet to get even an acknowledgement from my husband, yet alone an apology.
It is just excuses, excuses, excuses.
Yesterday, my husband asked me when the last time I tried to make him feel good was. I gave him 2 recent examples. The first was when I tried to make him feel better about our daughter not wanting to go with him. The second was late last week when I made tostados. I know he likes them and I let him take all the leftovers, despite the fact that we barely have money for groceries right now.
He was not able to acknowledge either thing. I told him I have always been nice to him and done things to make him feel better, but he has taken me for granted.
I told him it never mattered how nice I was to you - you still ended up with your dick inside someone else - or multiple someone else's.
He started giving me excuses. He said I left him. That I had left him a long time ago.
I told him to stop lying. I told him I knew that he had done this during the time we were living together. He seems to forget that I found proof of a $500+ hotel bill. I told him that I knew the truth, and have always known it.
My husband seems to think that all his behaviors have some justification. But there is no justification for cheating on your wife with 3 women without condoms. He feels that I didn't take care of him. Even if that were true, it does not make it right.
I seem to remember his mother dying, and that was an excuse to stop drinking again. But I was there for him then. I ran out of the vet's office the second he called, mid-appointment and rushed out to be with him. I called his dad and said I was worried that this would cause him to relapse. I did everything in my power to make sure he had adequate support.
But in the end, it was his choice to drink again. It was his choice to be with other women. He never told me then that he felt neglected. It is only now, that everything is out that he tries to blame me for his actions.
And it's not going to fly. I will not take responsiblity for his actions. He needs to take responsiblity for himself. He can not blame me, he can not blame his parents, he can not blame his friends. He needs to look at himself.
I am done trying to make him feel better. If anyone should be making anyone else feel better it should be my husband, trying to fix the damage he has caused to me and our children.
However, I think I felt like my husband was still in the process of making amends to me and never would go there.
I remember a friend of mine who went through a very similar story to mine, with an alcoholic husband and 4 children. After getting through recovery with him, she then found out her husband was cheating on her. My husband said at the time he thought that was horrible.
I have known for some time that my husband cheated on my during our marriage. I thought it was only once and with one woman. I assumed he would have at least given me the courtesy of using a condom, but he did not.
I am done pretending that it wasn't as bad or that he did it while we were separated. I know that was not the case. I am done letting my husband think he has gotten away with something or trying to make him feel better about the situation.
One of the most humiliating experiences of my life was having to go in to my doctor and ask for an AIDS test. After asking me why and talking to him about the cocaine in the home, he asked me if my husband was sleeping with prostitutes. He suggested I get fully tested for everything. Luckily, nothing came up but, it scared the hell out of me. And I have yet to get even an acknowledgement from my husband, yet alone an apology.
It is just excuses, excuses, excuses.
Yesterday, my husband asked me when the last time I tried to make him feel good was. I gave him 2 recent examples. The first was when I tried to make him feel better about our daughter not wanting to go with him. The second was late last week when I made tostados. I know he likes them and I let him take all the leftovers, despite the fact that we barely have money for groceries right now.
He was not able to acknowledge either thing. I told him I have always been nice to him and done things to make him feel better, but he has taken me for granted.
I told him it never mattered how nice I was to you - you still ended up with your dick inside someone else - or multiple someone else's.
He started giving me excuses. He said I left him. That I had left him a long time ago.
I told him to stop lying. I told him I knew that he had done this during the time we were living together. He seems to forget that I found proof of a $500+ hotel bill. I told him that I knew the truth, and have always known it.
My husband seems to think that all his behaviors have some justification. But there is no justification for cheating on your wife with 3 women without condoms. He feels that I didn't take care of him. Even if that were true, it does not make it right.
I seem to remember his mother dying, and that was an excuse to stop drinking again. But I was there for him then. I ran out of the vet's office the second he called, mid-appointment and rushed out to be with him. I called his dad and said I was worried that this would cause him to relapse. I did everything in my power to make sure he had adequate support.
But in the end, it was his choice to drink again. It was his choice to be with other women. He never told me then that he felt neglected. It is only now, that everything is out that he tries to blame me for his actions.
And it's not going to fly. I will not take responsiblity for his actions. He needs to take responsiblity for himself. He can not blame me, he can not blame his parents, he can not blame his friends. He needs to look at himself.
I am done trying to make him feel better. If anyone should be making anyone else feel better it should be my husband, trying to fix the damage he has caused to me and our children.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Proper Apologies
I have been reflecting a lot about why the AA sayings get to me so much. And here's why.
When you create a mess, like the financial mess my husband has made for our family, you fix it. My husband hates it when I bring this up, but it is true.
It doesn't matter if you say you are sorry, or how many times you say you are sorry. Sorry doesn't mean anything when someone does something over and over again.
Randy Paush explains this really well in his Last Lecture. The book goes into more detail.
Giving a good apology strengthens relationships and heals wounds. Insincere apologies translate into insults. When we do not apologize for things we have done wrong to people, Pausch compares it to an “infection” that festers in relationships.
-tasithoughts.wordpress.com
Randy Paush says that "proper apologies" have three parts:
What I did was wrong.
I feel badly that I hurt you.
How do I make you feel better? ( pg. 162, The last Lecture, by Randy Pausch, 2008)
In my mind, you make someone feel better by fixing or amending what you did wrong. Sometimes this is not possible (like when you cheat on someone). Other times, it is.
A few Thanksgivings ago, my brother-in-law showed up late with his new dog. He had not asked us if it was OK to bring a dog to our house, and we immediately asked him if it was potty trained yet. He said it was. Then, the dog peed all over our couch.
He did not help clean it up, he did not offer to have the couch cleaned. He may have said he was sorry, but it would not have mattered if he did. It would not have meant a damn thing.
Later, we had to spend $250 to have the couch professionally cleaned.
I often use this as an analogy with my husband, although it must be a bad one because it never seems to sink through.
His family does not know how to apologize. None of them do in my opinion. For all his dad's talk about "making amends", I have yet to see him make any.
So, this is why the AA slogans bug me.
When you fuck up, fix it. Don't come back with some phony saying or slogan. Sometimes there are no words that will fix things. You just have to show with your actions that you are working towards a solution and that it won't happen again.
When you create a mess, like the financial mess my husband has made for our family, you fix it. My husband hates it when I bring this up, but it is true.
It doesn't matter if you say you are sorry, or how many times you say you are sorry. Sorry doesn't mean anything when someone does something over and over again.
Randy Paush explains this really well in his Last Lecture. The book goes into more detail.
Giving a good apology strengthens relationships and heals wounds. Insincere apologies translate into insults. When we do not apologize for things we have done wrong to people, Pausch compares it to an “infection” that festers in relationships.
-tasithoughts.wordpress.com
Randy Paush says that "proper apologies" have three parts:
What I did was wrong.
I feel badly that I hurt you.
How do I make you feel better? ( pg. 162, The last Lecture, by Randy Pausch, 2008)
In my mind, you make someone feel better by fixing or amending what you did wrong. Sometimes this is not possible (like when you cheat on someone). Other times, it is.
A few Thanksgivings ago, my brother-in-law showed up late with his new dog. He had not asked us if it was OK to bring a dog to our house, and we immediately asked him if it was potty trained yet. He said it was. Then, the dog peed all over our couch.
He did not help clean it up, he did not offer to have the couch cleaned. He may have said he was sorry, but it would not have mattered if he did. It would not have meant a damn thing.
Later, we had to spend $250 to have the couch professionally cleaned.
I often use this as an analogy with my husband, although it must be a bad one because it never seems to sink through.
His family does not know how to apologize. None of them do in my opinion. For all his dad's talk about "making amends", I have yet to see him make any.
So, this is why the AA slogans bug me.
When you fuck up, fix it. Don't come back with some phony saying or slogan. Sometimes there are no words that will fix things. You just have to show with your actions that you are working towards a solution and that it won't happen again.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Arrested Development
My husband told me yesterday that my father-in-law wants to write me a letter but he told him he didn't think he should send it to me. I don't understand either of them. My husband had told that he's written me a letter for some time now but I don't have that either. He said he wants to read it to me in front of a counselor. I said, just give me the letter! We don't need a counselor there. We already saw a counselor and he didn't read it then either. The first time he went to rehab it was the same thing. I never got a letter. He wrote his business partners a letter of amends, but I never got one. Maybe it would be easier to forgive some of this if they ever apologized for anything formally.
In any case I had another sleepless night. After thinking about it I do think I was probably too hard on my husband the other night. He doesn't have any idea about how most people have to budget and scrimp for things. Perhaps he will learn now but it's frustrating to be in this place with him now. I have been told he has arrested development from drinking at such a young age and it shows up a lot. I do think he means well most of the time. It's just like dealing with another kid except that he thinks he knows it all. His grasp on reality is completely different than mine. My parents taught me to be responsible at a young age. He was on his own so he had to grow up fast, but no one ever bothered to teach him anything.
If there was a problem they could just throw money at it. I never had that luxury so I had to always be careful. He has been careless. All his life he has been able to be careless. And at 38, it is a hard lesson to have to learn to be careful. I wish he and learned it sooner but he didn't.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Letters
I never sent the letters to my father-in-law.
Honestly, I don't think it would make a difference. It felt good to write them and get some of the poison out of me. But I gave up on him a long time ago - or about 2 years ago - when we started going round in circles about how we all felt about things.
He will always be himself. And he doesn't have to make amends or apologize to anyone. He never has. So why should I be any different?
Honestly, I don't think it would make a difference. It felt good to write them and get some of the poison out of me. But I gave up on him a long time ago - or about 2 years ago - when we started going round in circles about how we all felt about things.
He will always be himself. And he doesn't have to make amends or apologize to anyone. He never has. So why should I be any different?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Some thoughts...
I've been having terrible migraines. I think a lot of it has to do with not being able to forgive my in-laws. I re-read their emails yesterday and my blood boiled all over again. I still feel I am right and they are so fucking wrong.
Why does my father-in-law get to mess up my husband's life and then mess up mine because his son doesn't know how to husband or father - and then turn around and expect to get to be a grandfather?
He thinks he can step over all the steps, all the apologies, all the amends and just be here - as if I don't matter. As if I haven't been here the whole time filling in the gaps for all of them.
In case you forgot, you drank away your son's childhood, and since your grandchildren were born you have been playing golf and tennis while your son drinks away theirs.
No one in their family seems to remotely understand cause and effect.
You vowed to support our marriage, but you have never supported it. You have criticized and judged, but never supported it.
I can not understand this family I married into. I can't understand it at all.
I also read all the Al-Anon brochures yesterday. I can't believe I never got those or read those before. I have done everything completely wrong with my husband. No wonder his relapse lasted so long. I know now that I need that program and that I am perhaps even partially responsible for these last few years. I knew Al-Anon was there. I just thought I was right and he was wrong and why should I have to do one more thing?
I think I have lived my whole life trying to be perfect and then getting mad at everyone else for not doing the same thing. Getting irritated when people are lazy or no good at their jobs. The truth is no one is good at everything and life ends up being a compromise in one way or another. Motherhood has taught me that. I had to give up my good salary - one bit of my pride - because at least I had sense enough to know I couldn't be a perfect mother and a perfect career woman. And now I am realizing I was never perfect at either.
But I have always tried. Perhaps I have tried too hard.
Why does my father-in-law get to mess up my husband's life and then mess up mine because his son doesn't know how to husband or father - and then turn around and expect to get to be a grandfather?
He thinks he can step over all the steps, all the apologies, all the amends and just be here - as if I don't matter. As if I haven't been here the whole time filling in the gaps for all of them.
In case you forgot, you drank away your son's childhood, and since your grandchildren were born you have been playing golf and tennis while your son drinks away theirs.
No one in their family seems to remotely understand cause and effect.
You vowed to support our marriage, but you have never supported it. You have criticized and judged, but never supported it.
I can not understand this family I married into. I can't understand it at all.
I also read all the Al-Anon brochures yesterday. I can't believe I never got those or read those before. I have done everything completely wrong with my husband. No wonder his relapse lasted so long. I know now that I need that program and that I am perhaps even partially responsible for these last few years. I knew Al-Anon was there. I just thought I was right and he was wrong and why should I have to do one more thing?
I think I have lived my whole life trying to be perfect and then getting mad at everyone else for not doing the same thing. Getting irritated when people are lazy or no good at their jobs. The truth is no one is good at everything and life ends up being a compromise in one way or another. Motherhood has taught me that. I had to give up my good salary - one bit of my pride - because at least I had sense enough to know I couldn't be a perfect mother and a perfect career woman. And now I am realizing I was never perfect at either.
But I have always tried. Perhaps I have tried too hard.
Friday, April 17, 2009
The Poem
This is the poem that I sent to my father-in-law, after I found my husband's cocaine in our home.
If my daughter-in-law called me to tell me my son was using cocaine
I would listen to her
Embrace her
Ask how I could help
Empathize
Be there
Immediately
Fly out on the next flight if I had to
(In the middle of the night.)
I would hug my son until he started sobbing
He would know that I love him
He would know it, damn it.
I would just hold him
Until he felt it
Until he told the truth
Even if it took all night
Even if it took all week
Even if it took the rest of my life
To make up for what I hadn't done.
If my daughter in law called me, sobbing, shaking, desperate;
I wouldn't make her feel like a nobody.
I would tell her
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry.
If my daughter-in-law called me to tell me my son was using cocaine
I would listen to her
Embrace her
Ask how I could help
Empathize
Be there
Immediately
Fly out on the next flight if I had to
(In the middle of the night.)
I would hug my son until he started sobbing
He would know that I love him
He would know it, damn it.
I would just hold him
Until he felt it
Until he told the truth
Even if it took all night
Even if it took all week
Even if it took the rest of my life
To make up for what I hadn't done.
If my daughter in law called me, sobbing, shaking, desperate;
I wouldn't make her feel like a nobody.
I would tell her
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry.
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