Defending Myself

One thing I learned through my marriage was how to defend myself. I used to sit and cry quietly like a victim. Being with an alcoholic, you have to learn how to fight and stand up for yourself.

But I have also reflected that while I am glad that I learned this skill, it doesn't always suit me.

There was a verse from Isaiah 30 that I always liked growing up - "In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." I think there is a lot of truth to this.

My father and my grandfather rarely get angry or argue. I can remember one time seeing my grandfather enraged, and that was when my sister and I had disobeyed him and did something very dangerous around the water.

My grandmother would nitpick at my grandpa all the time and it would just roll right off him. He would just smile, sometimes giving me a quick wink when she wasn't looking.

I remember once, when I went to court to get a stalking order against a man who had harassed me for nearly a year, at one point breaking my front door down to get into my house - both the stalker and my grandfather arrived at court early. He walked up to my grandpa and asked, "Do you think I am a bad man?"

My grandpa simply looked at him with a smile and said, "Well, I guess we'll see."

After hours of awkward testimony, we broke for lunch. We were all at the elevator, waiting to get on. That was the second time in my life I saw my dad lose his temper. He was about to go in after the stalker. My grandfather simply held my dad back by the seat of his pants, saying nothing. My dad cooled.

What I have learned from both of them is that arguing and anger benefits no one. Most people - and most things for that matter - are just not worth it.

Fight when you need to for what you really believe in - but let the rest go.

Fighting

We had dinner as a family last night at one of our favorite old spots. It went very well all things considered.

Today was much more volatile. I rarely ask my husband for help with the kids. But today they did not have school and both my mother and me had appointments. So he said he would be here before 10am and would stay until my mom could come at 11:30. Instead, he came at 10:18.

I was not a happy camper. I was supposed to be across town at 10:30 and I was late.

It seems like nothing that has to do with me or the kids is a priority for him. I can not understand on the one day during this entire school year (and probably beyond) that I ask him to be here, he is so inconsiderately late. And instead of just saying I'm sorry, he just has to get into it.

I feel like he completely de-values all my work with the kids because it is not a "paying" job. And yet, if he had to drive more than an hour each morning to get the kids off to 2 different schools each morning ON-TIME hours before his work day even started - and then had to repeat at night, get them to all their activities and playdates and wash, feed, clean, launder and everything else I do around here - and squish his work day in between all of that -- he would never make it.

If he can't even make one day, how would he deal with the repetition of my life every day?

And yet, he continues to de-value my work. Today, he said AGAIN, "Someone has to make the money around here."

Well great, except I do make money too.

It's hampered by the fact that my children are my first priority, but I do make money too.

Perhaps I don't make as much financially as him anymore (I used to make more). But I have always done at least double my share in this relationship, whether it was about making money, paying bills, housework or taking care of children.

This afternoon, the fighting continued about our court date next week. We can not seem to agree on anything. His commissions have been substantial this month, and I have seen a tiny fraction of them. It angers me that he would try to short us when I am here - and I have been here - doing everything.

I told him today, if both of us behaved the way you have around our children, they would take our kids away from us.

Quarrels

"Do you know what is better than charity and fasting and prayer? It is keeping peace and good relations between people, as quarrels and bad feelings destroy mankind."

--Prophet Mohammad (PBUH)(Narrated by Imam Bukhari and Imam Muslim)