Defending Myself

One thing I learned through my marriage was how to defend myself. I used to sit and cry quietly like a victim. Being with an alcoholic, you have to learn how to fight and stand up for yourself.

But I have also reflected that while I am glad that I learned this skill, it doesn't always suit me.

There was a verse from Isaiah 30 that I always liked growing up - "In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." I think there is a lot of truth to this.

My father and my grandfather rarely get angry or argue. I can remember one time seeing my grandfather enraged, and that was when my sister and I had disobeyed him and did something very dangerous around the water.

My grandmother would nitpick at my grandpa all the time and it would just roll right off him. He would just smile, sometimes giving me a quick wink when she wasn't looking.

I remember once, when I went to court to get a stalking order against a man who had harassed me for nearly a year, at one point breaking my front door down to get into my house - both the stalker and my grandfather arrived at court early. He walked up to my grandpa and asked, "Do you think I am a bad man?"

My grandpa simply looked at him with a smile and said, "Well, I guess we'll see."

After hours of awkward testimony, we broke for lunch. We were all at the elevator, waiting to get on. That was the second time in my life I saw my dad lose his temper. He was about to go in after the stalker. My grandfather simply held my dad back by the seat of his pants, saying nothing. My dad cooled.

What I have learned from both of them is that arguing and anger benefits no one. Most people - and most things for that matter - are just not worth it.

Fight when you need to for what you really believe in - but let the rest go.

Lessons From My Grandparents

I have really been enjoying the time I have been spending with my Nano lately. For a long time I felt too overwhelmed to get to church. And then I felt overwhelmed with 2 young kids to drive out of my way to get to my Nano's home and pick her up and manage all three on my own - before, during and after the service (let alone get there on time!).

Nano has become very frail, and it is quite the production with all three of them. But I have finally succumbed to asking for help at church when I need it, and someone is always glad to give it. And I am finally comfortable in my spirituality where I don't feel like everything needs to be perfect. I just want to be there.

Nano and I have been able to have some great talks in the car. It's always hard in person somewhere because the kids are doing their thing. But in the car ride to and from church, we are able to talk very easily, and I have enjoyed the conversations that followed.

I came across this while I was cleaning out my office today. I wrote it in 2002 for one of the newsletters I send out monthly to my clients.

Lessons from my Grandparents

There is no one I admire more than my grandparents. In honor of their 59th wedding anniversary this May, I'd like to highlight a few lessons from their life together.

-Gratefulness - always say thank you and send a handwritten card immediately.

-Always learn new things - They both learned the computer and Internet at age 82 and are the most avid readers I know.

-Slow down - enjoy life. My Pappa emailed me - "Have not just a good day, but lots of them." I keep that on my desk as a reminder.

Keep it simple - Money is not everything; happiness is. Sometimes the happiest times are the cheapest and simplest.

-Honest & Integrity - I still remember Nano washing our mouths out with soap for lying.

-Self-reliance & competence - Pappa STILL works at age 84!

-Never badmouth anyone - I have never heard my Nano swear and have never heard either of them belittle anyone for any reason, EVER!

-Elegance - even at 84, Nano is still one of the most beautiful and graceful women I have ever seen. She always takes care of herself.

-Importance and reliability of family - there has never been a time when they were not there for me.

-Give back to society - Nano helps children learn to read and they are both active in their church and community.

-Do the best you can with what you have - and don't complain! I've never heard Pappa complain once.

-Frugality - Never waste food or money to the slightest degree.

-Commitment stems from both love & respect - they have been married for almost 60 years.

-Do what you say you're going to do - I have never heard a broken promise from either of them.

-Hospitality - always have enough food for that extra somebody who might pop by - and never make them feel that it is any additional effort.

-There is nothing better than a great story told by Pappa. Especially when the two of them battle it out as to who has the correct version! Listen & learn - chores and work can wait.

Happy Anniversary Nano & Pappa! May the year ahead be your best one yet!


My Pappa died in 2007 after 64 years of marriage to my Nano. He had just turned 90 and continued to work until the last 2 months of his life. My family all was there with him that entire time so he could die at home as he wished. I will always be grateful for those last months with him - but also for the tremendous man he was in my life.