The Park

I rarely let myself cry anymore. It's something I've learned. Sometimes you start and you can't stop.

But last night, my kids broke my heart.

They haven't seen their dad since Sunday afternoon. Tuesday he said e couldn't come because he was moving. Tonight he promised our son he would be here at 5:30, then 6PM. My kids get antsy when they don't see their dad. They don't want to talk to him on the phone. They get restless. My son kept asking me if his dad was coming and like a fool I said yes. So did his dad.

At 4pm he called and he was still about 2 hours away by car and had several more meetings. I asked him then if he'd still make it and he said yes. But I stopped telling my son he would come. I made a nice dinner like I do nearly every night. A little after 6 he called and said he still had not even left his previous location. And once again, he had not gone to the bank.

We finished dinner and I told the kids their dad wasn't going to make it. They were noticeably upset so I told them we could walk down to the park. They love to go there. They've been going to bed early and I knew they were tired but I didn't see any other way to break their sadness. So I did the dishes and we left.

On the way my son asked me if his Grandpa was still coming to take him on a bike ride on Sunday. I told him he would. He asked, how come my dad doesn't always do what he says he's gonna do but Grandpa B always does? I told him that if his dad didn't keep his word that was about his dad and not about him. I told him he could always count on his grandpa though and that he should always keep his word and do the things he says he will do.

We went to the park and saw a single dad that we had seen down there every night last year. He used to be very good to the kids, playing catch with my son, including the kids in all the things he did with his own two boys, and letting us play with his big fur-ball dog. I felt close to him in a strange way because I felt that we were both very alone with our children.

We have gotten out of the habit to go every night, but last summer, we went every night after dinner. It saddened me because last year, this dad was alone and this year he was there with a new girlfriend. But I am still alone, in the same situation. Last year, my husband was at rehab and this man was always friendly with me, but I never got too close to him. I was keeping myself for nothing. For this. For all this shit.

But the park was good for the kids. They ran around with the other kids there, played tag, and pet the big fur-ball dog again.

My daughter had a complete meltdown on the way home. I rocked her to sleep and she still sobbed once she fell asleep in horrible gasps. And I sat there and rocked her and cried until the gasping stopped.

My husband had texted me and asked if he could stop by at 8 and I told him our daughter goes to bed at 7 and you will just wind up the boy. But it didn't keep him from calling again and again and again while I was rocking the girl until our son answered the phone and he woke up our daughter.

So then I had to put her back to sleep again and deal with my son, who was wound up. He asked me to spend some time with him downstairs because he couldn't sleep. And then he asked me to carry him upstairs like a baby to his bed. My big long boy was reduced to a babe tonight. By his selfish father.

Rage and Sadness

I feel nothing but pure rage this morning.

My husband is not providing for us. He has not been. He gives me little bits of money here and there, but not enough - and not what he commited to.

Probably another sign that he is using again.

There is not enough money to pay the bills, even with me being back at work.

I am tired of asking him.

I want to file for divorce, but I don't even have the money now to pay for basic expenses, so that will have to stay on the back burner.

Now his excuse is that he has to pay for 2 sets of expenses, so he can't give us the money he has promised.

I know damned well that his dad has never charged him to stay in that condo. So he is really full of it. There may be a few additional expenses, but not many.

I confronted him on that and he said he was done arguing. I said, that's because It's true and you have nothing to say!

I always thought that a promise was a promise and when I gave my word I did everything in my power to keep it. Now I'm seeing that when you are married to an addict who has no concept of reality or truth that sometimes keeping your promises and commitments is impossible.

I have already pared down our expenses numerous times. I am going to have to sit down and do it again. I feel so trapped. I know I am capable of making good money, but I don't want to do it at the expense of my children.

I don't know what I can count on from my husband anymore, if anything. If I were to file for divorce I could at least get a judgment for child support against him. But if he doesn't pay it, he doesn't pay it, and then I'm still stuck.

I don't think we can sell our house in this market. We have tried on and off for years. The lady next door has had her home listed for more than a year. Same with the guy around the corner.

I allowed myself to cry the few blocks in between my kids school and my office and that was a mistake because now I just can't stop crying and I need to work but I can't keep pushing everything back inside me.

All the way to school, I was quiet, which isn't like me. But I knew if I opened my mouth that I couldn't stop the words from coming out, which would damn their father. Just so I just kept my mouth shut.

I was telling my dad's wife the other day that I always wondered why my dad was so quiet growing up, and now I know. He was miserable with my step mom (his 2nd wife). And I never heard him say a rotten thing about her or anyone else, including my mother.

I remember someone saying that if you speak ill against a children's parent, you are criticizing their own DNA. And it is painful. I remember my step mom called my mother a whore once (which wasn't remotely true as I came to find out later). It affected me in a way that I will never forget.

I have been so upset that my husband and my father-in-law have treated me so poorly all these years and I am come to realize that I need to value myself more and not worry about what those motherfuckers think. Because they are not even human beings. They are a whole different bread of people, if you can even call them people.