Liberation

"Liberation is the most personal activity one can engage in. One's body, even one's spirit, these can be changed in relation to other people, but liberating one's mind, that must be done alone. With the help of like-minded warriors, yes, but ultimately, the task of freeing your mind from oppression must be undertaken ...in complete solidarity with oneself."

-El Jones

Spring Cleaning

I have been cleaning out my office and my computer all day. I've gone through thousands of pictures on my hard drive. It's amazing to see all the stuff I have accumulated here over the last 6 years.

It's nostalgic and sad but also liberating to throw so much out. I think I have a tendency to hold on to too much junk.

I have been feeling clogged down for a long time. I feel like I need to clean out everything from my life, whether it be diet, "stuff" or toxic people.

Lessons From My Grandparents

I have really been enjoying the time I have been spending with my Nano lately. For a long time I felt too overwhelmed to get to church. And then I felt overwhelmed with 2 young kids to drive out of my way to get to my Nano's home and pick her up and manage all three on my own - before, during and after the service (let alone get there on time!).

Nano has become very frail, and it is quite the production with all three of them. But I have finally succumbed to asking for help at church when I need it, and someone is always glad to give it. And I am finally comfortable in my spirituality where I don't feel like everything needs to be perfect. I just want to be there.

Nano and I have been able to have some great talks in the car. It's always hard in person somewhere because the kids are doing their thing. But in the car ride to and from church, we are able to talk very easily, and I have enjoyed the conversations that followed.

I came across this while I was cleaning out my office today. I wrote it in 2002 for one of the newsletters I send out monthly to my clients.

Lessons from my Grandparents

There is no one I admire more than my grandparents. In honor of their 59th wedding anniversary this May, I'd like to highlight a few lessons from their life together.

-Gratefulness - always say thank you and send a handwritten card immediately.

-Always learn new things - They both learned the computer and Internet at age 82 and are the most avid readers I know.

-Slow down - enjoy life. My Pappa emailed me - "Have not just a good day, but lots of them." I keep that on my desk as a reminder.

Keep it simple - Money is not everything; happiness is. Sometimes the happiest times are the cheapest and simplest.

-Honest & Integrity - I still remember Nano washing our mouths out with soap for lying.

-Self-reliance & competence - Pappa STILL works at age 84!

-Never badmouth anyone - I have never heard my Nano swear and have never heard either of them belittle anyone for any reason, EVER!

-Elegance - even at 84, Nano is still one of the most beautiful and graceful women I have ever seen. She always takes care of herself.

-Importance and reliability of family - there has never been a time when they were not there for me.

-Give back to society - Nano helps children learn to read and they are both active in their church and community.

-Do the best you can with what you have - and don't complain! I've never heard Pappa complain once.

-Frugality - Never waste food or money to the slightest degree.

-Commitment stems from both love & respect - they have been married for almost 60 years.

-Do what you say you're going to do - I have never heard a broken promise from either of them.

-Hospitality - always have enough food for that extra somebody who might pop by - and never make them feel that it is any additional effort.

-There is nothing better than a great story told by Pappa. Especially when the two of them battle it out as to who has the correct version! Listen & learn - chores and work can wait.

Happy Anniversary Nano & Pappa! May the year ahead be your best one yet!


My Pappa died in 2007 after 64 years of marriage to my Nano. He had just turned 90 and continued to work until the last 2 months of his life. My family all was there with him that entire time so he could die at home as he wished. I will always be grateful for those last months with him - but also for the tremendous man he was in my life.

Quitting

I have decided to leave my profession. It's something I have been thinking about for quite some time now. I've essentially been a mortgage broker since I got out of college. I obtained my MBA in there and had my children, but essentially I have been doing the same thing.

My heart has not been in it for a long time. I have been thinking of getting out for a while, but I could not think of anything else that had the flexibility with my two young children.

I still don't have any firm plans. But I feel like what is required of me now is too much of an emotional and spiritual drain to keep going on. I am better getting out, setting my priorities and making a better choice.

I did something similar when I started doing mortgages. I had been in insurance and hated it. I probably would have stayed just to have a job, but I got laid off. That was about the best thing that happened to me.

It allowed me some space to discover something new.

The mortgage industry was very good to me for many years. But once my heart was no longer in it, nothing would have made me successful.

I have always struggled with the concept of Interest as a Muslim. I have always been interested in Islamic Finance and have thought about going into that as well. But those models still too closely resemble the Western ones, and we may never return to how it was intended to be.

I feel good about the work that I did. I was an honest person in a profession that is often dishonest. I know I helped a lot of people and I never did not help someone when there was not money in it for me. I never made money on something that was dishonest or inequitable.

But at the end of the day, I would like to do something with more meaning.

I am a bad person for this profession right now because I believe most of what the media tells people is garbage. I don't think our economy is recovering. I don't think it is a good time to buy a house. I don't think most people should buy houses. I don't think most people should refinance. The ones who really need help are not getting help from our systems. The only people that get any consideration from anyone are those who have money and can generate money for the banks and their sales people.

I know some people don't agree with helping those who are underwater, but as someone who has done mortgages for along time, I think that we have to. Most people had no idea what they were signing on for. And not that our dumbed-down culture makes an excuse for them, but most financial professionals did not understand the loans either. They understood their commission.

But that's a whole other tangent....

The bottom line is I've decided to move on and I'm excited for whatever comes next.

Communion

This is one of the best books I've read in a long time. Here's an excerpt.

In Harriet Lerner's useful work The Dance of Deception, she explains, "The Struggle toward truth-telling is at the center of our deepest longing for intimacy with others...Truth-telling cannot co-exist with inequality...To honor diversity, complexity, inclusiveness, and connection in our lives now is to widen the path of truth-telling for everyone." Personal integrity is the foundation of self-love. Women who are honest with themselves and others do not fear being vulnerable. We do not fear that another woman can unmask or expose us. We need not fear annihilation, for we know no one can destroy our integrity as women who love."

- bell hooks, communion: The Female Search for Love

Long Goodbye

I say I love you
You say that's kind
You don't wanna get too close
You loved me crazy
I lost my mind

Listen...

You're everything I never wanted
And all the things I didn't need
This ain't who I wanna be

You don't have to stay forever
I'll take passion over pride
Full moon, high tide
Let's make it a Long Goodbye

Tomorrow we'll pick up the pieces
Try to mend our broken lives
Soft kiss, sweet lies
Let's make it a long goodbye

I cried in silence
I lived through you
I've given everything away
And maybe I can learn to fall
For someone who can give me all
The things I"m not afraid to lose

Whenever you see lonely faces
That's where I'll be
Don't cry for me, no no no no
Don't cry for me, don't cry for me yeah yeahhhh

Hey, don't cry for me, no no no
I'm gonna be okay

- India Arie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywe9nxANu1I

Wonderful Trip

We had a really wonderful trip to the beach. It really could not have gone better, especially where we are all coming from.

It was a long drive both ways, so I had a lot of time to think. I stopped and bought a ton of groceries along the way and I cooked most dinners - and we went out for lunch most of the days.

I had a lot of very long and productive talks with my husband. We probably talked better than we have in years. From everything to our relationship, to our children's education to our children's sexuality...

I feel very good about the space that we are in. I am very grateful to my friends for allowing us to use their home. It was a very spacious and healing place for all of us.

The kids could not have been happier. I think it was very good to have both their mom and dad there - and there was no fighing, arguing or stress.

This is where I hoped we would end up - and where I hope we will stay.

I was thinking on the way home that both of the men I married have never tried to make me anything that I am not. And I will forever be grateful for that.

First Night at the Beach

I am sitting here in my friends enormous beach house waiting for my soon-to-be ex-husband.

Our children are wandering through the house, laughing, fighting and playing.

I am deep in thought.

It seems I am always waiting for you.

But tonight, finally, I am at peace with it.

It seems sad to me that you hid your drinking from me. I suppose I set it up that way because years ago, towards the end of the first extended rehab, we both signed a contract. And I told you if you relapsed, I would leave you.

I did not want to live through that hell again. I thought it would break me, and it nearly did. But I survived.

I remember how much fun we used to have together and it makes me sad. How much I would have loved to at least enjoyed your relapse with you. And I know how crazy that's sounds, but it still makes me sad. I wanted to at least have fun with you then. It was a horrible time for me. There was no fun. Not ever. For years.

Instead, you kept it for your "friends". And that hurts. Because I was always at home with our children, hoping that you would make it home to us. And there were many times I was not sure you would make it.

I spent so much time in anxiety and worry. And looking back, I have blame in that too. I wish I had known how to live my life in spite of that.

It seems like everything in life comes back to acceptance. And it was never that I could not accept you, I could not accept what you would do to me.

I remember my mom's dad. How I adored him. He was an alcoholic. An emotional alcoholic. But he never hid his drinking. And I think that's what the hardest thing for me to accept with you was that you were always hiding the drinking. And that hurt. Because it made me doubt myself. At times, I thought I was crazy.

Now I see that you did what you knew and I did what I knew. And there is no judgement in that. Only sadness.

But there is now also gladness for the knowing and for the children we created. Because nothing is ever in vain.

Relationships

"...it takes two whole people, who acknowledge that they live on the same planet - Earth - to communicate intimately."

-Olga Silverstein

Dream

Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.”

-Karen Ravn

The Beach

I am heading to the beach this morning with my kids. My wonderful friends are letting us use their beach house, and I have been looking forward to our time there.

I have been thinking and reading a lot these past few weeks. I opted to completely get rid of the TV, and none of us have missed it. The kids seem to be playing more together and asking for less. I'm very glad I did it. We still have a DVD player, so we watch some movies. That's more than enough.

I have been getting along very well with my husband. I feel like I have been able to look at him with much more compassion lately. I think part of that is just the healing nature of time, which brings perspective. But also, several weeks ago, I broke down to him on the phone. And he told me he was sorry. And for the first time, I really felt it.

I am taking less and less personally and just trying to enjoy him for who he is. More than anything, I appreciate that he is kind, accepting and funny.

We have had our share of problems, but I hope we can put them behind us and be friends. I think sometimes when you are divorcing someone, you tend to demonize them. That helps with your pain. But ultimately, you have to move past that, or it will destroy both of you.

My husband will be joining us at the beach a little later. I'm hoping that this can be a week of healing and fun for all of us. I don't want my children to grow up with parents who are estranged. I want them to feel that we loved each other and tried our very best. I want us to work together to do whatever it takes to grow strong and healthy children. That doesn't mean that we will always get along or agree, but we can do our best. We owe the kids, and ourselves, that.

Interesting

"I once went to observe a meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous. What made this particular group interesting to me was that almost all of them were high achievers. One after the other they stood up and described the circumstances under which they resumed drinking after months or years of abstinence. The most common story I heard that day concerned the progression of striving toward success in a career, then reaching (or being on the verge of reaching) an important goal, then feeling excited and happy, then experiencing an overwhelming desire to drink - which, more often than not, led to behaviors that sabotaged the success. Happiness anxiety and success anxiety are very intimately related; both have their roots in deficient self-esteem."

- Nathaniel Branden, Honoring the Self: Self Esteem and Personal Transformation, p 98

Love and Equality

For Life is a chain made up of many diverse links. Sorrow is one golden link between submission to the present and the promised hope of the future.

It is the dawn between slumber and awakening.

Sorrow softtens the feelings, and Joy heals the wounded heart.

Remember that Divinity is the true self of Man. It cannot be sold for gold; neither can it be heaped up as are the riches of the world today.

And the sorrow you have borne shall be turned to gladness by the will of Heaven.

And generations to come shall larn of Sorrow and Poverty a lesson of Love and Equality.

Kahlil Gibran, The Voice of the Master: Of Love and Equality.

More Thoughts on Children

This is one of my favorite collections of essays by one of my favorite authors. I hadn't read through this specifically about what she says about raising children, but it goes along with my own thoughts on the matter.

"The truest direction comes from inside. I give the most strength to my children by being willing to look within myself, and by being honest with them about what I find there, without expecting a response beyond their years. In this way they begin to learn to look beyond their own fears." (72)

"It is hard for our children to believe that we are not omnipotent as it is for us to know it, as parents. But that knowledge is necessary as the fist step in the reassessment of power as something other than might, age, privilege or the lack of fear. It is an important step for a boy, whose societal destruction begins when he is forced to believe that he can only be strong if he doesn't feel, or if he wins." (76)

"The strongest lesson I can teach my son is the same lesson I teach my daughter: how to be who he wishes to be for himself. And the best way I can do this is to be who I am and hope that he will learn from this not how to be me, which is not possible, but how to be himself. And this means how to move to that voice from within himself, rather than to those raucous, persuasive, or threatening voices from outside, pressuring him to be what the world wants him to be." (77)


- Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches by Audre Lorde. "Man Child"

Love

"The highest expression of love...Is to accept without exception ..." - India Arie

Little Sister

I had a chance to spend some time with my youngest sister this weekend. It was a spur of the moment trip for her, and I'm glad she was able to come down. There are nearly 10 years between us, me being the older one. It is really wonderful to relate to her now as a woman. I am very proud of who she is.

I had one of the most fun nights of my life with her last night. It was one of those nights you know you will look back on when you are old and say, I should have done that more often.

And I definitely will.

Moving On

it's been such a hard season,
and the bridges we burned
might be all we had to keep us from drowning.
but at least we had this time;
and i'd like to think we're better off for it.
i'll remember this.
sometimes broken things make the best building supplies.
and we'll keep on building.
hearts aren't made of glass,
they're made of muscle, and blood, and something else.
and they don't so much as break, as bend and tear.
we have what it takes to keep it together;
and move on.

--Defiance, Ohio

Laughter

I had a sad night last night. My husband had the kids during the afternoon and when they came home I had been crying. He noticed and asked me about it. I broke down in my husband’s arms and just sobbed.

One thing about J is he gives really good hugs. He is never halfway about it. I usually resist because of where we are at these days, but last night, I just let him hold me and it felt good.

I feel that ultimately, we will be close again and I am happy for that. Life is too short to be left with bitterness. Especially someone you have lived with. Some people pass in and out of your life and you are better or worse without them. But there is always a reason you married someone. There is something about being with someone day-in, day-out. You can take the good with the bad. It’s the same thing with your siblings or parents I think. The over-riding feeling is love. For me, there is no way to ever reverse that.

I didn’t sleep well last night but my day keeps getting better and better. I decided to take a walk in the gorgeous spring sunshine and clear my head. While I was out, the father of my ex-husband’s wife called me and asked what I was doing.

He wanted to have me over with all of them for dinner. I already had plans with my sister and my office, but it was so thoughtful of him to call. It made my day. I kept telling him I had plans and he would say, come anyway! Bring your sister! Bring your office! Just come! We’re making kabobs!

Everything I have learned about happiness, I learned from the Lebanese. I think it was in my nature as a child to be sad. But there was always a part of me that loved to be silly and laugh. After being around the Lebanese and spending time in Lebanon especially, I saw that many of these people have every reason to sit around and be sad. But they don’t. They laugh, they tease, they eat, they sing – they enjoy their lives.

My first husband especially taught me to push out whatever was not helping me and pull in that which was. Whenever I come to him with a problem, he almost always says, who cares! He always gets me to see that in the scheme of things, my life is bigger than my small problem at that moment. And then, he laughs – and usually, so do I.

Honoring the Self in Children

It seems to me that people who have the strongest need to discipline children are the same people who were, by their own admission, mistreated as children. It's sort of like, someone beat, belittled, screamed at me, so no other child should be free to be themselves.

I am very intentional in my parenting, while it may not always come across that way.

The values that I hope to most inspire in my children are self-esteem, creativity, honesty, and kindness.

It seems that we breed most children to be robots. I am not interested in having a robot-child. I would like to see both of my children fulfill their destiny as individuals.

There are a lot of rules that we impose our children that are more about not looking bad ourselves as parents than the actual best thing for the child.

I could spank or berate my children to get them to wear the clothes I want them to wear, to never allow them to speak their minds, to always have them be submissive puppets - but that is not raising children. That forcing them to conform into my image of what I want them to be.

I recently went back to a book I enjoyed several years ago and devoured it's content. Honoring the Self: Self-Esteem and Personal Transformation. By Nathaniel Branden. There are so many good quotes within it, but here are a few that stuck out.

"...imitativeness and conformity to authority are more the norm than the exception among most adults." 128

"We are taught very early to respect external signs above internal signals, to respect the voice of others above the voice of self. A "good" child is one who "minds" his or her elders, who "behaves". We are taught to identify virtue with compliance with the wants and needs of others. We are taught conformity as the ultimate civic good. We are taught obedience as the price of love and acceptance." (130)

"Generally schools are places where children learn not to think, but to follow the rules...school was not a place to learn to learn independent thinking, to have one's self assertiveness encouraged, to have one's autonomy nourished; it was a place to learn how to fit into some nameless system created by some nameless others and called "the world" or "society" or "the way life is" and was not to be questioned." (131) (This quote explains the #1 reason why I chose my son's school.)

"To varying degrees, then, the child learns to play dead in order to survive. In order to protect self-esteem, the child learns to surrender more and more of the self. The average child becomes an expert at self-sacrifice at the most profound psychological level: the level of mind and spirit, the level of the life-force itself." (145)

"Independent thinking often brings a person into conflict with the opinions and judgements of others, thus provoking disapproval or animosity." (134)

"When the price of harmony with others becomes the surrender of our mind, an autonomous individual chooses not to pay it." (135)

"Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

- Francis of Assisi