The kids and I had an amazing camping trip. It was so interesting for me to watch another family up close like that. I have known most of them 10-15 years, but you really get to know people camping. I have a lot of reflections to get to but for now I am just very, very tired. I had not camped on the dirt like that since I was in my mid-twenties, and I forgot how hard it is. I am definately getting older!
We drove back today, and with the ferry ride, it was about 9 hours. Then we went to a 4-hour birthday party at my first husband's house. LOL, it was a great day, but I am wiped out.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Foolish Games
You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.
Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
-Jewel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V51mYBpfuzg
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.
Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
-Jewel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V51mYBpfuzg
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Authentic
"It cost me a lot to be authentic, but we must not be cheap in regards to the way we look. Because a woman is more authentic the more she looks like what she has dreamed for herself."
--Agrado, All About My Mother
--Agrado, All About My Mother
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Camping
I am leaving with my children in the very early morning to go on a camping trip. It does not escape me that we are going with the family of Riccardo, who my father-in-law so horribly offended the night prior to our wedding.
It seems both ironic and a gift that their family has taken us in as their own.
I have been so upset about the in-laws I ended up with. I now have an adopted family that cares for me and my children as if we were their own.
I am very grateful for that.
Life has been hard and confusing for me, especially as of late. But it has been my dear friends and family that have kept me going these these last years with their unconditional love.
It seems both ironic and a gift that their family has taken us in as their own.
I have been so upset about the in-laws I ended up with. I now have an adopted family that cares for me and my children as if we were their own.
I am very grateful for that.
Life has been hard and confusing for me, especially as of late. But it has been my dear friends and family that have kept me going these these last years with their unconditional love.
I Remember I was a Point, I Was a Circle
This poem reminds me so much about life with an addict.
I remember
I was
a point, I was a circle,
I walked
The swords are porous green.
I fell, to the edge of a whitened eyelash,
I laughed, to the edge of death I laughed.
I remember I was a glass that breaks the water, stretched out across a cloud,
I remember I was a butterfly,
despair began to spread like darkness, bullets began to make shadows, pointed shadows.
He is your blue-colored shirt, my cup and fork, my
balcony, the din of silence in the void, my closed eyelids,
the bird that shall bear me to the grave, he is the grave.
How often they have wrangled with mountains on my lips. Hands
that burn are extinguished in wine, rivers that run dry are pinned
to the walls, parched earth tries to imprison
your voice,
your voice.
Have you the courage to dance on a mirror? have you more
strength than the brilliance of a bee upon its knees, than
the kiss of pearls shoulder to shoulder?
Do you spell out tears as I set forth a tree?
From the ledge of each well, pots of hyacinth fly
in all directions. As though temples exploding, they
cross the marble to the final star, like the grasses
that glitter in a pebble. I watch her veiling herself,
On my clothes I write God, I write heaven.
This is me. And this is you.
Like one who lives on a seesaw, I live in the pupil of your eye.
Come morning you destroy me like an arrow, come evening
I yield to you, without a struggle I turn to dust. I say he is a mountain that bears a city, I say he is a horse that gallops in the sun.
Like one who lives in deceit, I stone myself and call for help
Is there a terror greater than veiled fear, than
a deserted evening, than feet that tread on heaven,
than waves sketched like rainfall, than signs of thunder,than a cage without a bird, a bird without wings, wings
without love, without love?
From your two hands I gather tenderness at night,
from your two hands I grant a smile to each star, from your two hands I bury my head on your breast, from your two hands I search for my prayer.
I draw halos around you, as if you are the foe, as
if you are the Messiah. If you were alone, I tell you, I would
prostrate myself you you. If just ten, I would hide you in my lungs.
Since you are a thousand, I shall give you to drink from my blood. Your wound grows and grows.
it slits my throat from vein to vein. I put sand in your
wound. I put your wound in a giant, and around myself I
light the fire.
Who are you, that I should love you in the space I love you, in
the wound?
The stones are whispering:
There is no myth save in a wrestling goddess, a moon fragmenting. The statues are countless, beyond all computation. The poison is a single dose placed in a cup.
I pluck suns from between your eyes, I pluck thorns
-Orbits, be scattered beyond time, beyond weapons, beyond vipers, Be in harmony with the strength of gods, with mercy like the gods, with optimism like the gods, Upon the trackless sand each teardrop has a garden, the birds a small handful of honey.
Here am I bending down to drink and I lose my memory.
I have not let my face leap like a bat, I have not kicked my foot, I did not move like phantoms over the rooftops, I did not steal the sea's wings,I did not break glass over a breast, I have not withdrawn into despair, I did not go mad in gathering honey,
I did not go mad, I did not go mad, I did not go mad.
No need for the flanks of suffering, for my armor
A ship carries us to the end of the world.
Rivers push us seaward. A destiny in which I dress. Nets by which I am woven. Statues I destroy. A debt I pay. Flocks of birds.
A disaster. An earthquake. Travel. Return.
Return. Return. Return.
Forgive me O Lord!
a shore gathering pearls, a white horse enfolding me and taking wing, a bird that immolates me as I am warmed by its eyes, eyes in which I pray and weep, my ribs that are translucent, trees of emerald, the rose of compassion above unity,the dissension of daybreak's crown, the willfulness of nightly grandeur,the sanctity of pain, roses raining down,
him, him, him
I grasp the wave and I tumble
A divine vigilance in my eyes?
I leave at your door the burnt moments of time, the sunset, the harvest of error, and endless slipping, the grasp of truth, ingots of gold, faces of those who have died, faces of those who will die, footsteps of the prophets, shadows of the priests, the thinness of words, the misfortuneof the world, the secrets of the fields,
my love for you, your hatred for me,
and the white lilies
and the white lilies.
I grasp the wave and I tumble...
I remember I was a point, I was a circle.
Hoda Al-Namani
partially translated from the Arabic by Tim Mitchell
(The full poem was not reprinted here - because of the layout of the blog, the poem may not be layed out properly either. If you can find it online, I highly recommend reading the entire poem. It's a favorite.)
I remember
I was
a point, I was a circle,
I walked
The swords are porous green.
I fell, to the edge of a whitened eyelash,
I laughed, to the edge of death I laughed.
I remember I was a glass that breaks the water, stretched out across a cloud,
I remember I was a butterfly,
despair began to spread like darkness, bullets began to make shadows, pointed shadows.
He is your blue-colored shirt, my cup and fork, my
balcony, the din of silence in the void, my closed eyelids,
the bird that shall bear me to the grave, he is the grave.
How often they have wrangled with mountains on my lips. Hands
that burn are extinguished in wine, rivers that run dry are pinned
to the walls, parched earth tries to imprison
your voice,
your voice.
Have you the courage to dance on a mirror? have you more
strength than the brilliance of a bee upon its knees, than
the kiss of pearls shoulder to shoulder?
Do you spell out tears as I set forth a tree?
From the ledge of each well, pots of hyacinth fly
in all directions. As though temples exploding, they
cross the marble to the final star, like the grasses
that glitter in a pebble. I watch her veiling herself,
On my clothes I write God, I write heaven.
This is me. And this is you.
Like one who lives on a seesaw, I live in the pupil of your eye.
Come morning you destroy me like an arrow, come evening
I yield to you, without a struggle I turn to dust. I say he is a mountain that bears a city, I say he is a horse that gallops in the sun.
Like one who lives in deceit, I stone myself and call for help
Is there a terror greater than veiled fear, than
a deserted evening, than feet that tread on heaven,
than waves sketched like rainfall, than signs of thunder,than a cage without a bird, a bird without wings, wings
without love, without love?
From your two hands I gather tenderness at night,
from your two hands I grant a smile to each star, from your two hands I bury my head on your breast, from your two hands I search for my prayer.
I draw halos around you, as if you are the foe, as
if you are the Messiah. If you were alone, I tell you, I would
prostrate myself you you. If just ten, I would hide you in my lungs.
Since you are a thousand, I shall give you to drink from my blood. Your wound grows and grows.
it slits my throat from vein to vein. I put sand in your
wound. I put your wound in a giant, and around myself I
light the fire.
Who are you, that I should love you in the space I love you, in
the wound?
The stones are whispering:
There is no myth save in a wrestling goddess, a moon fragmenting. The statues are countless, beyond all computation. The poison is a single dose placed in a cup.
I pluck suns from between your eyes, I pluck thorns
-Orbits, be scattered beyond time, beyond weapons, beyond vipers, Be in harmony with the strength of gods, with mercy like the gods, with optimism like the gods, Upon the trackless sand each teardrop has a garden, the birds a small handful of honey.
Here am I bending down to drink and I lose my memory.
I have not let my face leap like a bat, I have not kicked my foot, I did not move like phantoms over the rooftops, I did not steal the sea's wings,I did not break glass over a breast, I have not withdrawn into despair, I did not go mad in gathering honey,
I did not go mad, I did not go mad, I did not go mad.
No need for the flanks of suffering, for my armor
A ship carries us to the end of the world.
Rivers push us seaward. A destiny in which I dress. Nets by which I am woven. Statues I destroy. A debt I pay. Flocks of birds.
A disaster. An earthquake. Travel. Return.
Return. Return. Return.
Forgive me O Lord!
a shore gathering pearls, a white horse enfolding me and taking wing, a bird that immolates me as I am warmed by its eyes, eyes in which I pray and weep, my ribs that are translucent, trees of emerald, the rose of compassion above unity,the dissension of daybreak's crown, the willfulness of nightly grandeur,the sanctity of pain, roses raining down,
him, him, him
I grasp the wave and I tumble
A divine vigilance in my eyes?
I leave at your door the burnt moments of time, the sunset, the harvest of error, and endless slipping, the grasp of truth, ingots of gold, faces of those who have died, faces of those who will die, footsteps of the prophets, shadows of the priests, the thinness of words, the misfortuneof the world, the secrets of the fields,
my love for you, your hatred for me,
and the white lilies
and the white lilies.
I grasp the wave and I tumble...
I remember I was a point, I was a circle.
Hoda Al-Namani
partially translated from the Arabic by Tim Mitchell
(The full poem was not reprinted here - because of the layout of the blog, the poem may not be layed out properly either. If you can find it online, I highly recommend reading the entire poem. It's a favorite.)
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Old Ways
"There have always been women who
remember the old ways.
Women who refuse to please others
by becoming smaller than they are.
Women who take space
with their thoughts and feelings,
their needs and desires,
their anger and their dreams.
Women full of themselves."
-Patricia Lynn Reilly
remember the old ways.
Women who refuse to please others
by becoming smaller than they are.
Women who take space
with their thoughts and feelings,
their needs and desires,
their anger and their dreams.
Women full of themselves."
-Patricia Lynn Reilly
Friday, July 9, 2010
Risk
"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth."
-Katherine Mansfield
-Katherine Mansfield
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Perfect Love
"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."
- Leo Buscaglia
- Leo Buscaglia
The Hypocrite
"Don't act like the hypocrite, who thinks he can conceal his wiles while loudly quoting the Koran".
-Hafez
-Hafez
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Funeral
The funeral went very well. It was very nice to be reconnected with family. I took the kids and was glad that I did, even though the service went long. There were several people they had not met yet and they were pretty well behaved.
It was good to see my step dad and we had a nice, casual talk. I also met his girlfriend, who he left my mother for, and was able to enjoy my time with her. Previously, I had not wanted to meet her. She was a nice woman however, and I could tell several of my younger cousins were very fond of her.
It struck me during the service that my Uncle had been married for a very long time to his high school sweetheart. Some of us seem more broken and fragmented by divorce or divorce(s) - and I noted that both my step dad and I were in this category. We have both been divorced twice. I can not remember if he married his girlfriend or not, but they have been together for so long, essentially they are married. For those of us who are broken for whatever reason, people like my uncle and my grandparents are so grounding. They bridge the gaps in our lives. They really anchor us, even when we can not seem to maintain relationships for whatever reasons.
I have felt very anti-marriage lately, but at some point in my life, it would be nice to remarry and stay married for the rest of my life. I think I have wanted that groundedness, but I have sought it with the wrong people. Actually, my counselor always thought that my first husband could have been the right person for me, but that it felt uncomfortable for me to be with him because of my family of origin.
It also struck me during the service that life is really not that hard. You get married, support your family, live a good life of service and love - and you are satisfied.
I am not sure how we got to this place of brokeness. With all my husband's wealthy family, contacts, brains, good connections, everything else, our life should have been very simple - even overflowing with abundance in every direction. He squandered so much and thought so little about the consequences for all of us.
My Uncle started with so little, and made a wonderful life out of it. I don't think he could have even contemplated the situation that we are in now, and it makes me sad that we missed this last part of his life. After hearing the words at his service, I know that he would have said something about it. I wish I had come to my senses sooner and left the marriage years ago. I should have filed when I found the cocaine in our house, when I first saw an attorney years ago. Things just went further downhill from there the longer I stayed.
I feel very angry with my ex lately and I can't seem to get past it. I am still sick, and I'm sure this doesn't help things, but I really think I just need a break from him for a while. I am really tired of all the repercussions from his careless actions and how they have affected the kids and me. He seems completely clueless to all of this and keeps telling me to "trust him". I keep telling him that's what got me into trouble in the first place.
I don't really think he will ever understand the extent of the damage he did to our family. I think the reason I have been able to reconnect with my step father is that I deeply sense that he does, and that he is sorry. It does not matter what your words are, your actions prove the intent of your heart.
It was good to see my step dad and we had a nice, casual talk. I also met his girlfriend, who he left my mother for, and was able to enjoy my time with her. Previously, I had not wanted to meet her. She was a nice woman however, and I could tell several of my younger cousins were very fond of her.
It struck me during the service that my Uncle had been married for a very long time to his high school sweetheart. Some of us seem more broken and fragmented by divorce or divorce(s) - and I noted that both my step dad and I were in this category. We have both been divorced twice. I can not remember if he married his girlfriend or not, but they have been together for so long, essentially they are married. For those of us who are broken for whatever reason, people like my uncle and my grandparents are so grounding. They bridge the gaps in our lives. They really anchor us, even when we can not seem to maintain relationships for whatever reasons.
I have felt very anti-marriage lately, but at some point in my life, it would be nice to remarry and stay married for the rest of my life. I think I have wanted that groundedness, but I have sought it with the wrong people. Actually, my counselor always thought that my first husband could have been the right person for me, but that it felt uncomfortable for me to be with him because of my family of origin.
It also struck me during the service that life is really not that hard. You get married, support your family, live a good life of service and love - and you are satisfied.
I am not sure how we got to this place of brokeness. With all my husband's wealthy family, contacts, brains, good connections, everything else, our life should have been very simple - even overflowing with abundance in every direction. He squandered so much and thought so little about the consequences for all of us.
My Uncle started with so little, and made a wonderful life out of it. I don't think he could have even contemplated the situation that we are in now, and it makes me sad that we missed this last part of his life. After hearing the words at his service, I know that he would have said something about it. I wish I had come to my senses sooner and left the marriage years ago. I should have filed when I found the cocaine in our house, when I first saw an attorney years ago. Things just went further downhill from there the longer I stayed.
I feel very angry with my ex lately and I can't seem to get past it. I am still sick, and I'm sure this doesn't help things, but I really think I just need a break from him for a while. I am really tired of all the repercussions from his careless actions and how they have affected the kids and me. He seems completely clueless to all of this and keeps telling me to "trust him". I keep telling him that's what got me into trouble in the first place.
I don't really think he will ever understand the extent of the damage he did to our family. I think the reason I have been able to reconnect with my step father is that I deeply sense that he does, and that he is sorry. It does not matter what your words are, your actions prove the intent of your heart.
Funeral Today
I am headed to my uncle's funeral in a bit with my children. I have not seen my step father for over 8 years - since I was pregnant with my son. I keep thinking I should feel more nervous about it, but it seems like that part of me has been healed. I am interested to see what the day brings. I know that his time is likely near, as his health has not been good for some time. So I am glad that we can perhaps have some time in person to mend. It has been a long process and we have both taken baby steps.
More than anything, it means a lot to me that he has reached out. He did have a big part in raising me, and no one is all good - or all bad.
My step father was the primary alcoholic in my life growing up. I think he set the stage for much of what has happened with my ex-husband. I remember writing to him in what I thought would be my final letter that he had set the stage for my sisters and I and the treatment we would put up with from men in our lives as adult women. I think it has taken a long time for all of us to come into our own - much longer than perhaps is natural.
My mother of course, had a part in that - and I can see that now. She did put up with him. I think that played a part in me finally leaving my husband. I did not want to end up as she had in the end with my step father. He wore her down. It has taken her many, many years to reclaim herself.
I was very angry with him about many things. But over time, this has disapated. I suppose this is a lesson for me with my ex. I remember trying for many years to forgive him, but I could not. I have felt the same way towards my ex and his parents. Time does wonders. Not having to deal with someone day-in-day-out does too. Louise Hay always says you only have to be willing to forgive, and it will happen. But it happens in its own time.
More than anything, it means a lot to me that he has reached out. He did have a big part in raising me, and no one is all good - or all bad.
My step father was the primary alcoholic in my life growing up. I think he set the stage for much of what has happened with my ex-husband. I remember writing to him in what I thought would be my final letter that he had set the stage for my sisters and I and the treatment we would put up with from men in our lives as adult women. I think it has taken a long time for all of us to come into our own - much longer than perhaps is natural.
My mother of course, had a part in that - and I can see that now. She did put up with him. I think that played a part in me finally leaving my husband. I did not want to end up as she had in the end with my step father. He wore her down. It has taken her many, many years to reclaim herself.
I was very angry with him about many things. But over time, this has disapated. I suppose this is a lesson for me with my ex. I remember trying for many years to forgive him, but I could not. I have felt the same way towards my ex and his parents. Time does wonders. Not having to deal with someone day-in-day-out does too. Louise Hay always says you only have to be willing to forgive, and it will happen. But it happens in its own time.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Fate
"My child must not waste any energy fighting against Fate. That way, she will be stronger."
- Brick Lane
- Brick Lane
Friday, July 2, 2010
Worry
"Oh soul, you worry too much. You have seen your own strength. You have seen your own beauty. You have seen your golden wings. Of anything less, why do you worry? You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
-Rumi
-Rumi
A Cold in July
I woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible cold. Louise Hay says colds stem from "Too much going on at once. Mental confusion disorder. Small hurts."
It's also not July weather here. I'm disappointed to be sick. I'm headed out to the beach tomorrow morning to spend 3 days with my dad and his wife at their beach home with the kids. We always have a wonderful time there. It will be very good for the kids to have some time with their grandparents. My dad especially spends a lot of time with my son. I usually see him grow up before my eyes every year.
My daughter is doing much, much better. She has not been forced to go with her father. I think our time with the counselor was well spent, even though my ex and I did not get along during the session. My daughter had her first session earlier in the week. It is sad for me to see such a young child - my young child - in counseling already. But at the same time, I know that she has been hurt - and I would rather deal with that hurt now than have her hold it into adulthood.
She is back to her sweet curious self. Amazing what a few simple changes can do. I feel all she really needs is to be loved and held and adored.
It's also not July weather here. I'm disappointed to be sick. I'm headed out to the beach tomorrow morning to spend 3 days with my dad and his wife at their beach home with the kids. We always have a wonderful time there. It will be very good for the kids to have some time with their grandparents. My dad especially spends a lot of time with my son. I usually see him grow up before my eyes every year.
My daughter is doing much, much better. She has not been forced to go with her father. I think our time with the counselor was well spent, even though my ex and I did not get along during the session. My daughter had her first session earlier in the week. It is sad for me to see such a young child - my young child - in counseling already. But at the same time, I know that she has been hurt - and I would rather deal with that hurt now than have her hold it into adulthood.
She is back to her sweet curious self. Amazing what a few simple changes can do. I feel all she really needs is to be loved and held and adored.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Manipulation
I am very tired of the manipulation of my former husband. Today I blew up at him over the bankruptcy. Later in the day he told me that if I would have stayed married to him, he would have paid off all the debts. He does not even seem to get why that is wrong. It's not worth even explaining to him. I don't think he will ever get it. I simply told him, if that was the right thing to do, you should have done it regardless.
He keeps telling me he loves me, but I find that hard to believe. The cost of staying with him was too high for me. I am sick about ruining my credit, but I won't play the game with him anymore.
"How can someone tell you, 'I love you,' and then mistreat you and abuse you, humiliate you, and disrespect you? That person may claim to love you, but is it really love? If we love, we want the best for those we love." Mastery of Love(101-102)
He keeps telling me he loves me, but I find that hard to believe. The cost of staying with him was too high for me. I am sick about ruining my credit, but I won't play the game with him anymore.
"How can someone tell you, 'I love you,' and then mistreat you and abuse you, humiliate you, and disrespect you? That person may claim to love you, but is it really love? If we love, we want the best for those we love." Mastery of Love(101-102)
Feelings
"It is always important for us to be aware of our feelings. Our feelings exist for good reason and so deserve our attention and our respect. Even uncomfortable feelings that we might prefer to avoid, such as anger and depression, may serve to preserve the dignity and integrity of the self."
-Harriet Goldhor Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy
-Harriet Goldhor Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy
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