Changes

I had a dream about my in-laws last night. Just seeing them in a dream gets my heart rate up. We were all sitting down at a restaurant. My husband had not told me they were going to be there and I flipped out. It seemed very real to me. I have not seen my father-in-law with his wife there for 2 years now. I have no desire to see either of them again.

Today the kids and I are getting everything ready for school. My son has some homework to do and I have forms to fill out. I have been slowly going through the house and getting rid of junk. Today, I will go through both of the children's rooms with them.

We are trying to modify our mortgage through the new government program, but it doesn't seem to be much of a program. This process started in January, and no answer. Since I am a mortgage broker, I know this is not just my experience. Everyone I have referred to this program has still not been able to modify their mortgage. That is a pretty low success rate.

In any case, I am still hoping they can modify our mortgage and make it more affordable, someday soon. But if not, I am trying to get the house ready to sell.

It seems like I am on the cusp of a lot of different things. The kids are starting school, I am going back to work full-time, and on the verge of being divorced. I have a lot of anxiety about all of it. I just sleep in little segments, wake up and think some more. It will be nice when I get into the new routine and know how everything is going to come out. I worry my time with the children will be too little, especially with all these changes.

My Ultimate Goal

Last night I started thinking of the purpose of this blog, and the purpose of my life really.

I want to raise healthy, addiction-free children.

All of my time and investment is in that. And at times I resent my husband and father-in-law, but I don't want that to cloud my true purpose.

It seems it is more important to them to demonize me and protect their money than to focus on these kids.

Next week, I will go back to work full-time. I have been gradually working towards that these last few weeks, but next week, both kids will be in school for 6-9 hours a day. My mother has once again stepped forward and offered to help in huge ways that I will never be able to repay her for.

It is going to be a huge adjustment for all of us, and at times I feel very sad and bitter about it. I don't want my 3-year-old in school all day. It seems way too young to me. But it seems there is no other option now.

My father-in-law pays my husband (and I believe his brother) more than $2,000 a month through his company just to fund a life insurance policy for him so he won't have to pay estate taxes when he dies. I imagine that's quite a policy. And quite a sum he feels he needs to protect.

I started thinking about that last night, and the fact that my father-in-law flippantly decided he didn't want to pay for my son's $2,000 a month school tuition.

He clearly has different values than me.

And while it does eat at me when I think about it, I really need to resist those moments and focus on my kids.

At the end of the day, if these kids end up with problems, I am always going to wonder what all of us could have done differently.

The Fishing Pole

I am starting to get that exhausted feeling from being upset and teary-eyed all day. I'm glad we did the camping trip but it brought a lot of things to light for me.

My husband didn't bring a bike. He doesn't have a bike. Neither do i. That seems just crazy to me. We have so many things that don't matter at all but no bikes to ride with our children.

My husband rented a 2010 motor home for the trip. Needless to say it was expensive and we argued about it. He said, if he had bought all new tents and camping equipment it would have been just as expensive. But I don't think so. Not to mention that we could have borrowed it from any number of people for free. But I don't think my husband could have managed in a tent. It became apparent when we were there that he has never camped. He said he has but I don't believe it.

The first night we wanted a fire. He insisted on making it. Instead of building a fire, he put some wood in and poured lighter fluid all over it. Then we made S'mores and they tasted funny. I thought it was just the lighter fluid but I looked in the pit and there was someone's old sponge in the bottom of the fire, which he had not noticed and left in there.

The next night, I said I would make the fire while he finished up the open AA meeting. Our kids had been at a carnival for most of it bit that was over and it was clear they would not sit through the rest of it.

So I built a huge fire from scratch all by myself and the kids were quite proud of me. Lots of other boys came by for S'mores and then lots of my husbands friends came by too and I made them all S'mores. Nearly every visitor mentioned the big fire and my son said, My mom made that! My husband was clearly irritated.

My son had been asking for a new Spiderman fishing pole and I had told him no. He already had a fishing pole that my grandfather had bought him for Christmas the year before he died. He had broke part of the reel but I told him and my husband that we could just fix it and that he didn't need a new rod. It is more important to my husband that our kids like him than for them to learn the value of taking care of things or handling money. So Sunday he bought our son the new rod and was a hero for a moment.

Later that night our son told me he didn't like the new rod all that much.

Character

The camping trip went well overall. I have a friend who has been reminding me for years that most of my husbands issues don't stem from alcoholism but from a lack of character. I suppose I have lumped most alcoholics into the same category for a long time, but I did know what she meant on some level. My grandfather on my moms side was an alcoholic, but not at all comparable to my husband. He always provided for his family (5 kids) and was proud to do so. He had his issues for sure, but he was rarely unkind, and seldom unkind to me. (I only recall one time, and it was indirectly, when he was too drunk to even know I was there.)

I wasn't quite sure what to expect of this trip. I sorta thought they would gang up on me because it is a large group (200 plus) from the men's group my husband attends, along with his dad and brother.

I've had a lot of issues with my brother-in-law as well but I have chosen not to write on the specifics here because he is young (26, I think) and I do believe he is trying to be a better person. Someone that I respect very much also asked me to give him some grace because of everything he has endured. It has been hard sometimes, but I do try, and I did try during this trip.

But, I have to say I was nervous to spend time with him and to have my kids around him. It turned out fine. He was cordial and the kids were glad to see their uncle. They haven't spent a lot of time with him and I've never left them alone with him. But he was there with a girlfriend and we left the kids with him for an hour and a half so we could talk to the leader of this group. (More on this later.)

My husband has a friend who calls AA a "cult" and I've never understood his perspective until this weekend. I don't need someone to tell me what is right and wrong. I learned that as a child, from my parents and the rest of my family. My ethics are constantly evolving, but there is a very large foundation that my family set for me - as a child. I have been working the steps in Alanon because I am trying to be open to the program, but for the most part, it seems like things that people learn growing up, not as adults.

But I do think these programs work very well for some people. I've always thought of people in recovery as rigid and resenting not drinking. But the majority of people I know in recovery (at least well) are my husband and his family. I was pleasantly surprised by this group. I related very well to everyone. I love to camp. I grew up camping and I think there is something so special and unique about it. I didn't have any cell or email access and I really enjoyed that. It reinforced my belief that I want a simpler life.

It also did wonders for my son and his self-esteem. On the campground, he was able to roam freely on his bike or on foot. As I've said before, we don't have that luxury where we live. At first I let him go off on his bike with another man I know fairly well. He has 3 kids and I trust him implicitly. I knew the hills would be a challenge, but he reminded me that he has raised 2 boys. Apparently, he fell at the top of the hill, cried bloody murder, then realized that neither me or my husband were there to help him, got back up on rode down the hill.

In no time at all, he was riding up and down the hills by himself, or with other kids. I could see him shine.

I know on many levels, I have babied my kids. I have felt sorry for them because of their dad. But I also know that they need some tough love from other men - and that is why they spend a lot of time with my dad, and I have started them at the church. Especially with boys, I think this is so important. My husband and the men in his family have a tendency to pout. And I think that is the worst thing for a man to do. I have never seen my father or my grandfather pout. When they are upset, they deal with it like a man. And not kicking and screaming and cussing. They just work it out.

This is what I want for my son. More than anything else, I want him to be a man, and not a little boy in a man's body that doesn't know how to deal with life (on life's terms, if I may use an AA expression!).

So regardless of what happens with my husband, or anything else, this is a camp-out that I want to come back to. There is much more to write, but I will do it later.

Fairy Tales

I realized the other day that am still waiting for my fairy tale to come true. And looking at my life and all the others around me I should have realized a long time ago that was never going to happen. I need to take control of my own life.

And I need to consider the wider the impact of all the Barbie and Princess books my daughter loves so much will have in her life. (No, I did NOT buy these! But she has received them as gifts and LOVES them!!)

My daughter is a VERY strong girl. Truly, I wish I had her strength. But I wonder what our culture will squelch in her - and what impressions my own thoughts on life have made on her.

This is a hard thing for me. I consider myself a feminist. (Women-studies minor in college). And yet, my own upbringing was very traditional. While it wasn't always happy, I have found myself striving for that same model in my own life. Even when there was never chance of that working out long-term.

I've told several of my younger friends not to ever give up their financial independence. Which I still wish I had not done. But it is also such a trade-off - and one I wish no one had to make.

I have enjoyed my kids, thoroughly. I am still saddened by the first year of my son's life. I was working way too much and unable to stay home with him. And sometimes I almost feel like I want to have another baby - not because I want another baby per say, but just so I can somehow recapture that time.

But the truth is, that time is gone and I have to make my peace with it.

I remember an exercise my counselor tried with me many years ago about seeing things as they are instead of how we want them to be. I don't think I was ready for that then. But I'm slowly beginning to see that I need to be ready now.