Stupidity

The camping weekend did go fairly well until the ride home. My husband had wanted me to sit next to him on the way there, but I was tired and lay on the bed in the back. I also did not want to get into it with him and start the trip that way. He was disappointed but I think it was better. I wasn't as smart on the way home, and gave in. Almost as soon as I sat next to him, it started.

He is supposed to be out of the condo today, but I had not heard anything about it. So I asked him where he was moving to.

Then came what I sort of expected. He had not made any plans yet. He basically assumed that he could just move back home and after a wonderful weekend together, and that I would be OK with it.

I am not.

I told him that, and it just escalated from there.

I realize that our finances stink. But he is the cause of that. And I told him again, this is cause and effect. He told me he did not need my permission, that he could just move back into his house.

He started to get violently angry, yelling and waving his arms around. At one point his fist came so close to my face, I thought he would hit me. I screamed back and told him he better watch out. I said it is apparent that now that you realize that you are not going to get your way, the real you comes out.

They all seem to forget that I BOUGHT THIS HOUSE. I bought it completely on my own with my income, my money, my everything before I gave all of that up so I could raise my kids. My husband was not even on the title when the home was purchased. I was stupid. I put him on the title. I thought things would work out between us and Oregon is not a community property state. And then we borrowed more money and rolled his debt from the first rehab (while we were together) into the mortgage.

I was STUPID. Stupid, stupid, stupid. My biggest mistake has been trusting him, and his family. That is the biggest mistake of my life.

He has other options, such as living into his parents house, which would be free. Their entire lower level is unused and is the same size as their upstairs. He also could pursue less expensive options, like renting a room for $200-300 a month, instead of spending $1500 or more. But he has champagne tastes and he would never consider doing something like that.

No, instead, he and his family EXPECT me to take the brunt of everything AGAIN, to take the high road like I always have. And I just don't want to. And I don't have time to sit and argue with either one of them about it all day, which is what I assume they will try to do. So PHONE OFF. They can figure it out.

Is this War?

I didn't sleep much last night. My daughter is having some sort of issue, which I haven't quite figured out yet, which entailed her screaming wildly every couple hours. She's only 3 so she isn't always able to clearly tell me what is wrong. She is finally sleeping soundly now.

I definately notice a difference when I don't sleep. My head doesn't feel remotely clear today. My thoughts were rambled and confused all night.

I stayed up pretty late last night before I went to bed. I exchanged a few emails with my husband as well. He says he wants to work things out. Part of my response was:

The blog has helped me sort a lot of things out. There is also stuff that has been written over at least a 2 year timeline on there. That said, I suppose it is good that everything is out, although it is a little weird. I sort of use that as my Alanon meeting and I'm sure there are things that you vent about in AA that you would not necessarily want me to hear. You and I are in a different position, which is something that probably needs to change. I am not able to go to meetings whenever I want to like you are. So while you are able to deal to things whenever you need to, I have a lot of things that have been locked up for 7 years with not a lot of outlet. The kids have always been my primary focus and responsibility. But that comes at a cost to me personally, as much as I love them.

After I wrote that, I felt somewhat at peace, but when I tried to sleep my head was spinning. I still feel violated. I went out of my way to use a pen name and protect my identity and theirs. I certainly could have just started a blog in my own name and it would all be out there. And part of me thinks, fine, they should read it. But somehow I have a feeling my father-in-law wouldn't take this nearly as well as my husband has.

It seems they are very actively trying to undermine me and are very pro-divorce. I can't quite figure that out given all that has happened. I don't think my husband would fair very well in court. But I keep remembering my father-in-law's words to me, when he said, "THIS IS WAR!" And several people have reminded me that right doesn't always win out in court, money does.

The thing that I can't seem to get at peace with is his family. Thinking about them just makes me feel sick and angry.

My husband has promised not to read the blog anymore. But part of me thinks, why should I believe him?