We Need a Girl God

Here is my most recent published article, which is in Redress, the Journal for the Association of Women Educators in Australia. They only offer a print version, so it is attached as a pdf to my site. www.thegirlgod.com

Married!

We had a beautiful time yesterday and I am happy to be married to a kind, considerate and compassionate man.

Wedding Day

Today is my sort-of wedding day. My ex will not allow my children to go to Norway for our actual wedding, so we are spending the day celebrating here with our 4 children. My daughter is thrilled to wear her "flower girl dress" and ride around in a limo for the first time. We will have cake and sparkling drinks. It will be a happy day, despite his selfishness. But I think my children and I will always remember that they were prevented from attending the real cereomony after sailing to a Goddess Island in Norway. It's just one more thing to resent him for. As if there were not enough things already.

Imagine

"Imagine a woman who follows her creative impulses. A woman who produces original creations. Who refuses to color inside someone else’s lines." ~Patricia Lynn Reilly "Fish Whisperer" by Elisabeth Slettnes

How to Raise your Vibration

As If!

Today is Father's Day but it is, once again, not a happy day because of my ex. Yesterday, I spoke to my kids in the early afternoon, while they were on a weekend visitation with their dad. They were at the swimming pool at my EX-father-in-law's country club. They were in the pool, so their dad said they would call me back. They never did.

I started trying to call them to say goodnight but no one was answering the phone. I texted several times and finally felt frantic. By 9:30, I texted my ex-father-in-law,who did not respond. My son finally called me at 9:45 on Skype. Their dad had left them with someone they did not know and had never met so he could go to a party.

Per our divorce decree, I have the right of first refusal if he wants to forgo his parenting time. He never told me he was going out. He never told me he planned to leave the kids with someone I did not know, which would NEVER have been acceptable. I have never left the kids with a stranger. The kids have had very few babysitters and I specifically told my ex on Friday that if he wanted to hire someone, I needed to meet her and she needed a background check.

When I spoke to the babysitter at 10pm, both the kids were still wide awake. She advised me that their dad had told her that it did not matter when they went to bed because it was "summer". I explained that it was not acceptable to me for the kids to be there alone with someone who I did not know and had never even met and that I was coming to get my kids. Everything fell apart from there with my ex calling me non-stop and ultimately coming back to the house after I told him I had texted his father.

When I got to the house, he was there with his girlfriend, who he says is not is girlfriend, but who clearly believes she is. I took the kids home with me and we all went to bed. I did not sleep.

I can't believe we are still in this same damn place. I can't believe that everything has to be this hard. I can't believe he can't understand where I am coming from.

As if I had nothing better to do than rent a zip car at 10pm at night, walk a mile to get it, drive out to his house and get my kids so he could yell at me and call me crazy. As if I have no reason to doubt his parenting abilities.

As if he did not bring cocaine into our home and leave it right out where our daughter could get it. As if he has not been to rehab a million times already. As if he didn't start right back up again after 90 days at Betty Ford. As if he wasn't driving around drunk with us all in the car and lying about it. As if he has not always hidden it when he was drinking. As if I ever had any reason in the world to believe ONE word out of his mouth. As if I haven't already been seeing signs of his drinking again for months and months. As if I haven't already emailed my EX-father-in-law about it only to be ignored again. As if he actually looks like a healthy, sober man. As if his face was not bloated up like a balloon, again. As if his hands were not dried out to the point of bleeding. As if all the evidence was not there already in the pictures that have been my sanity all along. As if he did not look like a completely different man than the man I married.

And now after a sleepless night, my EX-father-in-law has the nerve to text me saying that I am "emotionally damaging" my kids? As if he had ever been a father to his son? As if he even knew the extent of the emotional damage that he himself has done to this family over and over and over again. As if he has the right or authority to open his damned mouth about anything?

My EX-Father-In-Law told me, to "mind your own business" - AS IF either he or my ex-husband had held either of these children in their wombs for 9 months, birthed them or breast fed them for 2 years.

AS IF he has ever taken care of them. AS IF he had ever helped with anything. AS IF he even knows what minding his own business means. AS IF my own kids are not MY OWN BUSINESS. As if I want to give up my own Father's Day plans with my dad, who has been a DAD, to deal with all of this, again?

Despite Bad Teachers...

This has been an awful school year for us because my daughter had an awful teacher. The school refused to change her class and looking back, I should have pulled her out. Some people are so low, they need to feed off 5-year-olds. Some people have nothing better to do than read recovery blogs and pick at the single-mothers who write them. However, as we cross the finish line, despite tears and frustration and anger, what remains is my daughter's strength. And what I have realized, and perhaps known all along, is that NO ONE could take that from her. And while I worried about what would happen to her in this class, I also knew that there was always another caring adult there, and, more importantly, I also knew that she would make it despite this woman. And that her strength is what her teacher hated and envied in her. So today, I celebrate my daughter. She has more possession of her-self than her "teacher" will ever have. And perhaps, this year, she was there to teach the lessons.

I am here and not broken

" We can not change the past but we can rebuild our lives with an astounding work of art that screams "I am here and not broken" because I focus on the beauty that life reveals and inherent joy that waits in each human behind every beautiful scar. Without our scars, we know no smooth surface. This is the carving out of our soul-stones for lifetimes to come." ~Hollie Allen

Roots & Wings

"Children need two things: roots and wings." -Chinese Proverb

Threat & Punishment

“Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree that stands by itself.” -Pueblo Verse

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." ~Maya Angelou "Neon Nemesis" by Elisabeth Slettnes

Orgasmic Birth

I just watched the Orgasmic Birth movie. It was beyond moving for me. It brought up many things that I have not dealt with yet. I felt grief at seeing women actually supported , comforted and loved – even to the point of having multiple orgasms. Mostly I feel grief that I was so out of touch with myself during both my births. While I had my son without drugs, it was primarily by accident because my labor was so early and short. I immediately regretted getting an epidural with my daughter. That and circumcising my son remain my two greatest regrets in life. My frustration with Al-Anon remains and even grows. The only solution for co-dependents, in my opinion, is to leave the unhealthy relationship and find your-self again. I never would be healthy, happy and whole had I stayed with my ex-husband. I am certain of that. Al-Anon is a recycling of pain. I am grief-struck that I missed the healing birthing experience with both my children. I also know now how important that experience would have been for them, especially given the circumstances of their early lives of living with a father with multiple addictions. We do the best we can with what we know at the time, but I feel anger towards a medical system that perpetuates unnatural birth and a society that tells us to “stand by our man.” My hope is my daughter will do it different.

Women for Sobriety - 13 Statements

A woman-centered approach to the 12 Steps The Women for Sobriety Program - Statements of Acceptance

1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
5. I am what I think.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
9. The past is gone forever.
10. All love given returns.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.

(c) 1976, 1987, 1993 Women for Sobriety, Inc.

antiga’s thirteen circles

[An anonymously written feminist-theology version of AA's Twelve Steps] 1. We believe that we are not responsible for creating the oppression that permeates our society. 2. We believe that a power outside ourselves and deep within us can restore our balance and give us wholeness. 3. We make a decision to ask for help from the Goddess and others who understand. 4. We acknowledge our beauty, strengths and weaknesses and look at the ways we have been taught to hate ourselves. 5. We acknowledge to the Goddess, to ourselves, and to another person our successes and shortcomings. 6. We make a list of the ways we have acquiesced to oppression. 7. We become ready to say no to oppression. 8. We ask for the courage to resist oppressive situations. 9. We mend our lives with respect for all. 10. We continue to be conscious of our actions and thoughts, promptly acknowledging our mistakes and enjoying our successes. 11. We seek to improve our conscious contact with the Goddess. 12. We believe that every moment we are doing the best we can, and that is enough. 13. We accept ourselves exactly as we are, trusting our experience and affirming that health, joy, and freedom are our Goddess-given rights.

Comeback

A close friend of mine gave me a copy of this book to read after she finished it. I had a long trip to Bergen yesterday so I have read quite a bit of it on the plane. There are so many parallels here to my own life that it has been a difficult read. At first I found the mother very hard to relate to or like, but half way through I also saw a lot of me in her. It is that same fear that I have had for my own children. I suspect it is the fear most people have when they realize their spouse is an addict. I have often thought that I could not bear to re-live addiction with my kids. I don't think anything could be more painful. But what often happens is that we shut down and become practically dead so that no one can hurt us. What I have hoped is that I could somehow control their lives to the extent that it would never happen. What I realize more and more is that they are on their own journeys. And, painful as it may be, I have to let them live those journeys. That said, I do believe the stability we offer our children growing up does count for something. While I can't stop them from making bad choices, I do believe that children come back sooner than they would without strong families. Sometimes, without that, they don't ever come back. This is a beautiful story about the love between mother and daughter. I'd highly recommend it to anyone dealing with family addictions. "Sometimes, we have to give birth to our children twice....Once your child becomes the "garbage" other parents are afraid of, you never look at any teen, or yourself, the same again. All you see is the child they once were." "Nor did I grasp the capacity of love's absence to destroy, that my lack of love for myself made my own life unbearable. You take someone whose life experiences have taught them they're worthless, string them out on drugs, and you have one miserable person. How could I have given what I didn't have? It's hard to value another life when you view your own as dispensable, hard to understand how you can have so great an effect on someone else when you don't think you matter." - Mia Fontaine

Burnt Cupcakes

Today is my daughter's 6th birthday. What should be a happy day, is always somewhat painful for me. We moved recently and I am still getting used to the hang of everything in the new place. I burnt 3 batched of from-scratch cupcakes, which was a first for me. I don't think I have ever been to the store so much in a 2-day period. I joked after I finally succeeded with the 4th batch that these were going to be the worlds most expensive cupcakes. I reminded myself coming back from the store for the 5th time that at least I have a child to celebrate her birthday with. Some mothers are not so lucky. But, despite this, I still broke down after I finally got the fourth batch right and started crying. I haven't stopped nearly an hour later. I don't think my new housemate understood how much I had riding on these being right. My daughter still has a hyper-sensitivity about her birthday after several disappointing birthday parties with her dad where he either failed to show up or caused a scene. For years, she asked me why he did not come to her birthday. She was 3. I don't know that that will ever go away for her. I explained to a friend earlier that while I feel that I have mostly moved on myself and healed, it is harder for me to heal the wounds that have been inflicted on my children. At times, it still feels like there is a gaping hole in my heart that will never heal. I wanted so much for them to have good, stable lives. It's painful to know that no matter what I do, that can not always be their reality. There is still so much residue, and so many things that feel unfair. While I am still the same mother I have always been, I get treated very different as a single mother. I suppose that's another reason that the damned cupcakes seemed so important to me. I could just hear my daughter's teacher making one of her snide remarks. I can almost imagine what she would say. I just wish she would say it to her father for once.

12 Steps to Spiritual Awakening

1. We realized we were powerful but that our EGOs had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than our EGOs could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to align our will and our lives with our SOURCE of LOVE and LIGHT as we intuitively understood IT.

4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our desires for ourselves.

5. Submitted ourselves to Higher forms of guidance other than human beings who judged our true nature as wrong.

6. Were entirely ready to remove all defective teachings and beliefs from our character.

7. Humbly removed ourselves from judging any experiences as shortcomings but only as lessons.

8. Made a list of all the ways we could express LOVE and began to fulfill them all.

9. Expressed direct LOVE towards people wherever possible without exception.

10. Continued to monitor our thoughts and actions and when we were out of alignment with SOURCE/GOD, promptly quieted our EGOs and regained our balance.

11. Sought though prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our SOURCE of LOVE and LIGHT as we understood IT, praying only for knowledge of TRUTH and the WISDOM to use it.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we carry this message into the ALL-ONEness and practice these principles in all our affairs.

Created by WYZDOM

Blessing for ALL mothers

Today we bless mothers who sat up all night with sick toddlers saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here. Today we bless mothers who gave birth to babies they may never see. And the mothers who took those babies forever to be their own children. Today we bless mothers who attended ball games, recitals, rehearsals, etc. etc. and said, "I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and meant it. Today we bless mothers who show up for work with milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse. Today we bless mothers who put pinwheels, teddy bears, or flowers on children's graves. Today we bless mothers whose children have gone astray, who haven't the words to reach them, and yet have never put them from their heart. Today we bless new mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And today we bless mature mothers who are learning to let go. Today we bless all mothers: working mothers, stay-at-home mothers, single mothers, and married mothers. We also bless all women in life giving and nurturing roles. We thank you. We honor you. We bless you. Amen. - adapted from a prayer of Dan Bottorff

IMAGINE A MOTHER

Imagine a mother who believes she belongs in the world. A mother who celebrates her own life. Who is glad to be alive. Imagine a mother who celebrates the birth of her daughters. A mother who believes in the goodness of her daughters. Who nurtures their wisdom. Who cultivates their power. Imagine a mother who celebrates the birth of her sons. A mother who believes in the goodness of her sons. Who nurtures their kindness. Who honors their tears. Imagine a mother who turns toward herself with interest. A mother who acknowledges her own feelings and thoughts. Whose capacity to be available to her family deepens as she is available to herself. Imagine a mother who is aware of her own needs and desires. A mother who meets them with tenderness and grace. Who enlists the support of respectful friends and chosen family. Imagine a mother who lives in harmony with her heart. A mother who trusts her impulses to expand and contract. Who knows that everything changes in the fullness of time. Imagine a mother who embodies her spirituality. A mother who honors her body as the sacred temple of the spirit of life. Who breathes deeply as a prayer of gratitude for life itself. Imagine a mother who values the women in her life. A mother who finds comfort in the company of women. Who sets aside time to replenish her woman-spirit. Imagine yourself as this mother. -Patricia Lynn Reilly