Recipes for Recovery

Allie O'Conner works in the addiction-recovery field and has made special formulas to treat conditions that often accompany addiction. She preserves her medicine in vegetable glycerin rather than brandy, which is the basis of Bach's medicine. Some of her formulas include:

Morning glory for healing addiction

Blackberry for relieving grief, depression, fear of dying

Forget-me-not for calming anxiety

Zinnia for laughter as a healing medicine

Sunflower for opening the heart for giving and receiving

Bells of Ireland, cedar and chamomile for relieving stress (as well as lifestyle changes)

Comfrey for security

Jasmine for spiritual attunement


From Women's Spirituality Power & Grace by Mary Faulkner

Dr. Gabor Maté’s alternative view of addiction

Maté is a compelling speaker, as his agile phraseology and hard-earned authority bear out—regardless of whether you agree with his conclusions. And some people don't. In Vancouver he’s worked at Insite, the only supervised injection site on the continent. There, people bring illegal drugs and inject them with clean needles in a a safe space under medical supervision.

It's a harm-reduction technique, says Maté. Overdoses can be prevented this way, as well as the spread of disease. "Giving somebody clean needles does not stop their addiction, but ... it means there isn’t HIV being transmitted from one person to the other.” Maté says providing sterile swabs for addicts to clean their arms doesn’t treat addiction, but it also doesn’t promote it. “It just makes it less likely that that person will be sick and suffer more, and consequently cost society a lot of money in terms of health care costs.”

“It’s all about getting something from the outside to make you more complete, make you more satisfied.”

Critics say Insite equates to government facilitation of drug abuse and does nothing to deter dependence or treat it. They suggest it could send a mixed message to young people. Conservatives in Canada’s government have made attempts to shut Insite down.

Data out of Vancouver seems to confirm the efficacy of the harm-reduction approach. According to the Sept. 6 issue of The Province, the 1996 life expectancy for people in the downtown Eastside area was nine years below that of other British Columbians. In 2011, the life expectancy was just two years short. However, other factors, such as gentrification, might have played a role in those statistics.

KC Quirk, executive director of Crossroads for Women, has seen the fallout firsthand while helping people who are coping with mental health issues, homelessness and the transition out of incarceration. The organization is bringing Maté to speak in Albuquerque because his humanistic philosophy is in line with Crossroads’ mission.

"We're coming to that from a really, I believe, much more humane and much more realistic perspective,” Quirk says. “Most people don’t, you know, decide to quit using drugs and alcohol and adapt perfectly.”

The Albuquerque seminar on drug abuse takes its name from Dr. Maté’s book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. Within its pages, he candidly exposes his own issues with shopping addiction. Though it doesn’t damage his life in the same way as drugs and alcohol, Maté’s dependency has adversely affected his relationships and self-esteem. But it also allows him to better relate to drug addicts. The title includes a reference to the bhavacakra, or “wheel of life,” in Buddhist mythology.

There are six realms people cycle through, Maté says: The human realm is where we are our ordinary selves. In the animal realm live our appetites and passions. The god realm is home to our spiritual sense of peace and satisfaction. The hell realm encompasses raging emotions, terror and fear. The titan realm is marked by envy. Finally, in the hungry ghosts realm, the creatures are shown with scrawny necks, small mouths and empty stomachs. “They’re never able to fill their bellies sufficiently to feel satisfied,” says Mate, “so they keep going around trying to get satisfaction and fulfillment from the outside, and that’s the realm of addictions.”

Contrary to conventional medical thinking, Maté doesn't attribute addiction to genetics alone. "Neither does science back it up nor does experience prove it,” he says. Addicts are typically people who’ve experienced significant loss or trauma in their childhood, says Maté. The greater the degree of trauma or stress they’ve experienced, the more vulnerable they are to addiction. “In the population that I worked with, all the women had been sexually abused as kids, and the men were traumatized repeatedly, as well, in childhood."

Criminalization of drug use is a kind of cruelty, Maté argues. "You begin with an abused child: Society did not protect you, so you had those experiences growing up, no one to turn to. Then you turn to drugs to soothe the pain, and you’re a criminal.”

In a culture where people meet their needs via the acquisition of products, the achievement of status and the approval of others, addictive tendencies are widespread, he says. "It’s all about getting something from the outside to make you more complete, make you more satisfied. It’s a society like that—in which there’s also a lot of insecurities, which leads to a lot of stress—people find ways of distracting themselves from their internal problems.” And, says Maté, those methods tend to become addictive.

People don't like to look at this cultural issue, and a drug addict represents it to the highest degree, he says. "We say that they’re the ones with the problems. They’re the antisocial element. They should be excluded from society. But we’re not looking at ourselves or the nature of the society as it is.”


Dr. Gabor Maté’s alternative view of addiction

Taught to Fear

“We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings. But, once recognized, those which do not enhance our future lose their power and can be altered. The fear of our deepest cravings keeps them suspect and indiscriminately powerful, for to suppress any truth is to give it strength beyond endurance. The fear that we cannot grow beyond whatever distortions we may find within ourselves keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, externally defined, and leads us to accept many facets of our own oppression as women.“ ~Audre Lorde

Courage

"Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage."

- Anais Nin

Hymn to the Goddess

You are the One within me,
star-bright in midnight dark,
who echoes in the ocean
and dances with the lark,
who smiles in the mirror moon
and on the tide of dreams,
rocks me soft and gentle
to the songs of mountain streams.

You brought me into being,
breathed life into my soul,
you birthed me to my body,
you knit me as a whole,
my mother, you embraced me,
your kiss upon my brow
sighed your spirit through me
and it fills me now.

I feel your spirit fill me,
you call from every star,
in whispers from within me,
in echoes from afar,
you pull upon my moonstruck mind,
you open out my soul
and like an unfurled sail, it fills
and I am whole.

~Ruth Calder Murphy

My Wasted Years as Princess of Nothing.

I remember being told I was “too pretty to work.” So on some level, I always held on to that and resented working when I had to. I resented it every time a man did not pick up the check. It was not part of the unspoken agreement of how a princess should be treated.

It also meant that any man who would treat me as an equal was off the table for most of my life.

Being a princess meant I didn’t know how to live without an enormous household budget or a huge diamond ring. Wasn’t that the ultimate goal? Did it matter that my husband was an alcoholic and didn’t come home at all when he wasn’t so inclined?

When I look back at the years of my life when I was playing this role, they were completely non-productive. Perhaps, I made a good income; perhaps I was a good mother. Perhaps I was at my most beautiful. But in terms of creativity and personal fulfillment, there was zilch.

I was only living the life I was supposed to be living, not examining what I wanted for myself.

My Wasted Years as Princess of Nothing.

Faded Memories

“Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.“ ~Adrienne Rich 

I am working on an article that I wanted to be exact on, so I started to look back through our family blog, which I started in 2006.  I was struck by how different it was from my memory, so I came back here, which tended to be a more honest assessment of where my life was at the time.

I have realized that I tend to try to make things better than they are. Whether that was for my own need or wanting to give my children a better life, I am not sure.

But one thing is for certain, my marriage with my ex was completely exhausting. I have a migraine just from reading about it. (And I NEVER get migraines anymore!!)

I don't often look back, and that is probably a good thing. But it made me both grateful that life is SO different now and angry that I wasted so many years banging my head against the wall.

Honesty: The Word Keeps Getting Lonelier.

It is our quirky uniqueness that endears us to others. The large crooked nose, the horrendous chuckle, the inability to put down the cookie jar. It is what makes us different from others that causes death to be painful for those left behind.

People remember the dead for their realness. Attend any funeral and you will know that to be fact. No one will remember which masks we wore to be appeasing.

Honesty: The Word Keeps Getting Lonelier.

A Room of Her Own

“You must have a room or a certain hour or so in a day, where you don’t know what was in the newspapers that morning, you don’t know who your friends are…you don’t know what anybody owes to you. This is a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be. This is a place of creative incubation. At first you may find that nothing happens there. But if you have a sacred place and use it, something will eventually happen.” ~Joseph Campbell

Are We Doing The Best We Can?

"All I can do these days is think of myself as a little girl, and think of my friends who have little girls, and know I do not want another generation of girls preyed upon in any way.

(And that's ALL little girls - from Asia to America, Russia to Africa, all nations, all levels of income, all girls.)

I really want my brothers on this planet to hear me and feel the same. This is not the future I saw for myself as a woman or for the generations of women coming after me. This is not our best effort on their behalf." ~Melissa Ulto

Women: Think this Through

"The genius of any slave system is found in the dynamics which isolate slaves from each other, obscure the reality of a common condition, and make united rebellion against the oppressor inconceivable." ~Andrea Dworkin

Allowing

"You are as amazing as you let yourself be. Let me repeat that. You are as amazing as you let yourself be." ~ Elizabeth Alraune

I Believe in Love

"Always on Your Side"

Getting Unhooked from Addictions

by BJ Gallagher 4/9/10 on Huffington Post

What are we to do about this addiction pandemic? What are our options? What works?

Einstein said: "A problem cannot be solved at the same level of consciousness that created it." Which explains why addicts cannot simply put down their drugs and solve their problem. It requires a shift in consciousness -- some form of psychic transformation -- for addicts to live without their "fix."

Medical experts look for bio-chemical solutions -- paying particular attention to brain chemistry. Other researchers look for genetic markers in our DNA, seeking to understand why alcoholism and other addictions often run in families. Many psychologists look at the "nurture" side of the "nature versus nurture" debate, pointing out that use of mood-altering substances or activities is learned behavior -- coping mechanisms developed in response to painful, dysfunctional family life. Religious authorities suggest that addiction is a spiritual malaise, amenable to spiritual solutions. In short, experts each look through their own professional paradigm for an answer to the riddle of addiction.

I applaud these experts for their efforts, but when I hear them explain their theories, I can't help but recall that old saying: "If your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail." It's easy to be blinded by your paradigm.

We needn't wait for white-coat experts to find causes and cures. We can learn much from the personal stories of those who have already discovered a way out of the hell of addiction. These sober, sane, serene people don't argue whether addiction is a physical disease or an existential dis-ease -- they don't care about parsing details. They just care about what works and how they can help others who still suffer.

Here are some of the basics, based on the experience of recovering people:

~ Addiction is a multi-faceted condition, with physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual aspects - requiring a corresponding multi-faceted approach.

~ It is essential that an addict be teachable in order to change. Buddhists call it having a "beginner's mind." This is why most addicts have to hit bottom before they give up doing things their own way and become open to learning a new way to live.

~ Denial and ignorance are two major barriers to recovery. Addicts are usually in denial for a very long time about the seriousness of their problem; family members are often in denial as well. Public ignorance about the true nature of addiction keeps many people from seeking help; there are many stereotypes and myths about who's an addict and who isn't.


~ Rarely, if ever, are addicts able to kick their habit without help. Self-reliance and self-sufficiency may be laudable attributes in our society, but these same qualities hinder recovery from addiction.

~ Human beings are social creatures -- we do best when we have good social support. Addicts recover best with the support of a strong group, where they learn healthy inter-dependence.

~ Unconditional love and acceptance are at the core of recovery from addiction.

Full article at:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bj-gallagher/getting-unhooked-from-add_b_531325.html

It's only Love that gets you Through

The Junkies' Wives Club

This is a great site that I have utilized a lot in the past. There are not a lot of forums out there for families struggling with addiction that don't push Al-Anon down your throat. You will find people struggling with spouses of all sorts of addictions on this page. Some use traditional 12-step programs, and others don't.

You can be as anonymous as you want to be. But most importantly, it is a place to vent without judgment and be supported by other women who have either been there or are still there.

http://jwclub.ning.com/

Billy Joel - Honesty

Dating an Alcoholic? Run Like Hell!

I liken living with an alcoholic to living in a war-zone.

Like one who lives in deceit, I stone myself and call for help

Your wound grows and grows

It slits my throat from vein to vein.

I put sand in you wound,

I put in your wound a giant, and around myself I light the fire.

—Hoda Al-Namani, I remember I was a Point, I was a Circle

When I read this, I thought, this is me. This is my life. But, I’m not living in Beirut. What’s that about?

If you are an addict, I’m sorry. This story isn’t for you. There are hundreds of stories and resources for addicts. It often seems it’s the families of addicts who are forgotten and who largely suffer in silence.

There will always be another excuse, another mistake, another relapse, another addiction or anger about a parent’s addiction that they need their lifetime and yours to get over. With addicts there is just always something.

And if you’re reading this and you feel yourself getting angry perhaps you probably know that someone is finally telling the truth.

Of course, I have empathy for addicts too. So much in fact that I belittled myself by staying with one for seven years.

When my husband first relapsed after his mother died, my well-meaning Christian father told me to “just love him.” But that’s the problem with the addict; the more you love, the more they take of you and everything else, until there’s nothing left to give.

I remember the night I decided to stop walking on tip-toes.

I realized over the years I had become less of myself. I was worried about his anger, or that he would relapse, or be too stressed out or my actions would cause something bad to happen. Suddenly I realized how ridiculous this all was. It was his turn to learn to deal with the reality of our existence instead of us having to shrink because of the reality of his.

I remember before the first rehab, a very good friend looked me in the eyes and said, “Run.”

His mother had been an alcoholic and it had stunted his life. His comment affected our friendship for years. I didn’t want to run. I thought I could fix him. I thought my love would be enough.

Four years later, when I found out about my husband’s relapse, I thought about this friend and the courage it took him to say this and acknowledge my reality.

While most other people tried to be polite, or pray for me, their comments seemed to gently gloss over what was actually happening. When someone doesn’t fit into the perceived notion of what an addict is, it’s hard for people to know what to say.

“Run” was the best advice I received and it’s the advice I would give my daughter if she ever got involved with an addict.

Run. Run like hell.

The reason this advice hurt so much at the time was that it would have forced me to see my part in things. And when you are with an alcoholic, you are use to suffering in silence as the martyr, wondering why the alcoholic does what s/he does.

I wasted years of my life wondering why. I’ve come to realize it doesn’t matter.

Running would have taken courage. It would have said, “He cannot do this to me.” I am stronger than this. I can do better. Instead, I stayed, w—a—y too long.

The other part is that it would have forced me and others to acknowledge the truth.

Alcoholism remains hidden in the shadows. No one talks about it. We go to great lengths to avoid the subject altogether. Both the addict and the co-dependent will do anything to hide their sense of inadequacy. There is nobody that tries harder at being “normal” than an alcoholic and his/her family.

In running I would have to tell the truth. He drinks. All the time. It is not pleasant. He is verbally abusive. My life is out of control. And the hardest one, I need help.

When I finally left my husband, I was only able to do so after taking weeks to compose a list of facts. At my office, I began to put together a black and white list of the things in our relationship that I could not accept. This included that he did not go to my grandfather’s funeral, he did not come home all night long, and he brought cocaine into our home. After four and half pages of undeniable facts, I realized that there was no longer any question of whether or not I could stay with him. The list made that impossible, even laughable.

When you live with an addict, you are never quite certain about reality. Everything becomes blurred. By writing down the facts as they happened, he could not come back to me later with his own version of the truth.

In my case, there were months of lying about his sobriety when I just wasn’t sure whether he was drinking or not. Had I begun the list sooner, instead of listening to the words I so wanted to believe, I would have saved myself at least a year of heartbreak.

Before I left my husband, a dear friend from school sent me a quote from Maya Angelou. It said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them—the first time!” We must remember to trust our instincts and not wait for the people in our lives to change.
The truth was I knew what I thought the first time I met my ex-husband, but I gave him chance after chance despite it.

While I have seen some wonderful transformations in Alcoholics Anonymous, the statistics are not promising and I would not place any bets for my future on another addict.

There are millions of kind, whole and addiction-free men in the world. This story has a happy ending.
I happen to now be married to one of them.

“How do our children see us when we’ve been drinking too much?

This is a Finish project that the Elephant Journal just covered.

“How do our children see us when we’ve been drinking too much?